 Happy Dumpday everybody! Hope you’re all well and living the life you deserve (for better or worse). Me? I’m still holed up in the hidey hole at The Compound expecting the worst. Friends, did you ever see the movie “The Candidate” (1972) …the one with Robert Redford? If you’ve not, I would highly recommend digging it out of YouTube and watching it. It was a great film that really didn’t receive the attention it deserved at the time. After that movie there was a push in Utah for Redford to actually run for office. In an interview, he said that he wasn’t interested in politics because when you become a politician you lose your ability to tell the truth. So, the takeaway is that all politicians are corrupt. Today’s post covers a couple examples of what happens when nobody is watching pols very closely. First, there’s this whole brouhaha about AOC and someone on her team (specifically, her chief of staff) misusing campaign funds by funneling said $$$ toward corporations that he runs to the tune of more than $1,000,000. Curiously, said chief of staff (we’ll call him MoneyBags McCash) hasn’t tried to hide anything. The alleged funneling was reported in campaign finance records and to the IRS. So…this is either a supreme manipulation of campaign finance rules or uber-supreme stupidity on someone’s part (we’ll say MoneyBags). The problem with AOC is that it looks really bad for a pol who ran on absolute transparency in politics and labeled dark money (PACs) as “the enemy of democracy.” It doesn’t help things that she (AOC) made a rather quixotic remark about the whole thing on Monday to the Washington Times saying, “He’s not on my payroll. They were not working for me and we are talking about two separate entities here.” She added that there is a difference between an LLC and a PAC. Huh? Even if she begins claiming she had nothing to do with the shifting of money around to various (nefarious?) corporations, it was money intended for her campaign which certainly should have been under her purview. As Mr. Robin has always said, if it happens on your watch it’s your responsibility. This won’t end well. Speaking of pols who operate on a level of uber-supreme stupidity, there’s always the Oklahoma Legislature and in the example cited below we’ll lump the executive branch of state government, Governor Kevin “Bull” Stitt, into the mix. So, our radical legislators (their motto translated from Lithuanian is “we know what’s best for you, trust us”) rushed a bill through that would make “constitutional carry” of firearms a birthright in Oklahoma, but only if the Governor signed it. He did. So, now, starting in November, if you don’t have a criminal record and are at least 21 years old, you can carry a weapon on your person without so much as a familiarization course, a safety course, or a concealed carry permit. At first, I defended the action with a very pointed “what me worry?” sort of attitude. I figured if you were a crook, you won’t care whether a permit is required for you to run up and down the street robbing every convenience store on your way out of town. I guess I just didn’t think about the bigger picture. Then it came to me. If the morons in state government are going to open things up for “los eligibles” to carry a loaded weapon, then there’s a real good chance that everyone in this damned state is going to carry a loaded weapon. Thousands, hundreds of thousands of well-intentioned John Waynes all “walking heavy.” The vast majority of whom will be unfamiliar with their weapon and/or basic gun safety. Hmm…and then something comes across my newsfeed about some dummy (we’ll call him Clint Eastwood) in Indiana (they grow dummies there) who decided to take a walk one morning with a loaded (and with a chambered round) 9mm tucked into the waistband of his pants. As he was walking, the weapon began to slip. So, Clint tried to rearrange things and somehow managed to fire off a round inside his pants. The round entered just above his penis and exited through his scrotum. Just turn that all around in your head for a second. And, here’s the best part. Because he didn’t have a permit for the weapon, the case has been referred to prosecutors…talk about insult heaped onto injury. Please, if you’re one of the unwashed hordes here in Oklahoma who in the fall will go buy wifey a Christmas gift of a Glock Model 22 for “self-defense” for goodness sakes also get her a safety course taught by an actual firearms safety instructor. The penis you save could be your own. This has been a pubic (sic) service announcement by CCB. That is all!  Happy Hootsday everybody! Welcome to this issuance of the first posting of the CCB in several days. We’ve been without broadband or cell service here at The Compound since last week. Presume it’s because Fearless Leader had second thoughts about handing over the handshakes to his Twitter account to me, a mere blogger. Honestly, I had no plans to do anything with it. I didn’t want to be named among the lucky(?) indictees somewhere down the road. You know, it’s tough living without broadband when your entire world revolves around television, internet, and phone service dependent upon either broadband or cellular. Oh sure, I could have made the run into town along a road littered with discarded bolts fallen off some jackass’ truck (long story – secure your G-D load!) to the library and used their internet. But that’s difficult to do when you’re cowering inside the concrete hidey hole here at The Compound. Yep, ever since the quote/unquote “important nuclear summit” came undone in Hanoi last week, we’ve gone to Double Secret Panic Alert (our highest Compound imminent danger status level). I figure it’s only a matter of time before the lunatic in power (D.C. or Pyongyang, take your pick) does something really stupid and launches a missile or two. With The Compound being near the geographical center of the U.S., I figure we’ll catch some of the shrapnel and/or radiation dose. Yep, I’m not leaving the hidey hole. We got broadband and cellular back last night so I’m set. Cousin Fred and Gigi are still holed up in Das Boot. So, it’s just me and Friend Lamont down here. The Wife took off for parts unknown muttering something about “paranoid freaks”. Fearless Leader has been whining and trying to drop the blame on everyone but himself for the failure of the talks with his NoKo pal, Kim Jong Uno. And, in the big scheme of things perhaps I’m not being fair. Fearless Leader claims that the NoKo Supreme D**khead wanted too much in return for shutting down their nuclear warhead assembly line. In truth, the allegedly truthful testimony of the lying bastard, Michael Cohen, last week probably had a lot to do with Trump calling it quits and flying back home. I’m sure he was only partially listening to Kim while keeping an ear open for any new bombshell from Cohen about alleged misdeeds of Fearless Leader. Oh, and Fearless Leader tried diversionary tactics like making a statement that his pal Kim knew nothing of the college kid who was tortured in a NoKo jail before being sent back to the U.S. where he died. Keep in mind that Kim kills his relatives for sport. This is a man who has people that catch houseflies for him so he can pull their wings off and watch them scurry around on the table. When there was backlash about that, Fearless Leader pointed out that the kid was tried and jailed during Obama’s regime so it’s really his fault. Damn, really? No sooner did the talks break up than hackers in NoKo continued their efforts trying to hack into U.S. banks, utilities, and energy companies. Great. Hmmm…maybe it was the NoKos who shut down The Compound last week. Nah, it was Fearless Leader, he needed his Twitter account back. And then, in last night’s newsfeed, I see a story about how Trump is now blaming Cohen for the breakdown in the talks. According to Fearless Leader, the timing of the hearings that coincided with the trip to Hanoi is highly suspect and is part of a larger Dem “collusion delusion”. Yeah, maybe. The only thing I know is that’s only a matter of time before the NoKos lob a nuke tipped missile this way. And then, Fearless Leader will feel compelled to launch his own which will, coincidentally, go very wrong and land here at The Compound. That’s why I’m in the hidey hole for now. Stay safe, America…stay underground…it’s only going to get worse. That is all!  Happy Onesday (aka, the day formerly known as Tuesday). We here at CCB have decided just a little more havoc and chaos in the world by renaming the days of the week. I figure we’ll start small with this stupid blog and work our way up to the European Union, thereby heaping chaos upon chaos.
It’ll be great, you’ll see! So, how’s your Onesday going so far? Good, I hope! Things began to finally settle down here at The Compound following Moonday (FKA, Sunday) evening’s events with the whole driving range from above incident. Cousin Fred and the Hairdressing Hydrologist Gigi have disappeared from sight. They’re holed up inside Das Boot and apparently getting to know one another again. Friend Lamont aimlessly wanders around the medical marijuana grow facility caring for the plants. The Wife took off out of The Compound last night to supposedly go to Walmart for “health and comfort” items, but we haven’t seen her since. She’s likely holed up in that creepy motel out on the north edge of Seiling where they still allow chain-smoking. She’s probably puffing away while binge watching “NYPD Blue” reruns on her iPad. Me? I’m sitting and staring at the paper that was inside the envelope containing the handshakes to access and post on Fearless Leader’s Twitter account. As I sit and stare, I’m trying to figure out the right thing to do. On the one hand, it’s an awesome responsibility. Eh, who I am I kidding. I’m likely to begin tearing through that account like a 16-year-old boy with a bottle of whiskey and keys to a Mustang GT. Let’s see…I could post that the whole trip to Vietnam is a feint and order an attack on NoKo. At least we’d learn who, among Kim Jong Uno’s family he hasn’t killed, is actually in charge over there. That would make the hawks happy…all good Republicans love a shooting war. I could make a huge confession that the jig is up. That Mueller found the tape and that I’m resigning, effective immediately. That would make a lot of people happy, I guess (particularly Tom Arnold). Oh, oh…I could announce that I’ve changed my mind about the Great Wall of America because I realized how much damage it would do to the delicate eco-system of the border area. I would announce that I plan to use the $8 billion I’ve shanghaied to build said wall for plussing-up social security. That might, at once, anger a lot of people and please a lot of people. I could announce that I’ve rethought my “fake news” stance with the media. I would welcome their every banal inquiry which I promise to answer in less than 24 hours. I’ll have Jim Acosta come to the WH and give him 5 hours live in front of a camera and answer every question he asks. See what I mean? Hell, by the time Fearless Leader returns from Vietnam there would be people on one side of the White House with pitchforks and torches trying to burn the thing down and on the other side, a bunch of people with garden hoses and fire extinguishers trying to keep it from burning down. Wild, right? I think I’ll just sit on it for now. This is going to be too much job. Friends, the slightly more mature among you probably remember the show, “Cheers” the premise of which was centered around a Boston bar and the regulars who haunted the place. There was a character in the show named Norm. Everybody loved Norm who would come into the bar and make a quick one-liner about his day or the state of his life or the state of the world. In one episode, he entered the bar, and someone asked how his day was going, to which Norm replied, “It’s a dog eat dog world and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.” That particular scene in television history comes to mind because of a story we saw sneak across our CCB newsfeed last week. It seems there was guy down in Texas (we’ll call him Gary Glitterless) who lost a bet in a fantasy football league of which he was a member. As a result, he was given the choice of paying $250 to the winner or submitting to a humiliating stunt. Glitterless chose the stunt. Sigh. So, he shows up at a dog park dressed in nothing but a gold lamé Speedo. No big deal you say? Happens every day, you say? Yeah, well, this guy covered himself in peanut butter and then entered the penned area where dogs were playing. If you know dogs and peanut butter, it’s no surprise that he was immediately set upon by animals licking peanut butter off his skin. Keeping in mind that this was in Texas, he’s probably lucky a disturbed dog owner didn’t start shooting at Gary Glitterless. Bet it’s a long time before he makes any more bets. Don’t believe me? Want to see for yourself? Here’s the YouTube link. https://www.youtube.com/ZRgVQ9piJeM That is all!  Here we are, another stinkin’ Monday. Hope you’re well. It may be awhile before we here at The Compound are able to recover from a near-calamitous finish to the weekend. It started off easy enough. I was hosting our annual Oscars watch party that usually only involves me, Cousin Fred, and the Wife. This year, of course, we had the addition of Friend Lamont. It had been such a nice day (first in several), that the Wife chose to sit atop the roof chain-smoking filterless Pall Malls and chugging Old Crow whiskey while singing her peculiar rendition of “My Philadelphia Home”. Let me state up front that I wouldn’t normally watch those proceedings, but Cousin Fred gets positively giddy about it for some reason. I personally think that Hollywood types live on a different planet or something. The Wife says I think that because I’m not one of them. Hmmm. Anyway, about an hour into the freakin’ red carpet nonsense, we ran out of beer here in the house. Cousin Fred said he had a few cases stashed for emergency purposes inside Das Boot out on the north lawn, so he headed out the door to get some. The Wife, of course, began cackling and launching empty Old Crow bottles at his head as he ran a zig zag pattern trying to get to Das Boot without being pummeled from above. That’s about the time we heard it. Very softly at first, then increasingly loud. It was the thump-thump of helicopter rotors. That was followed by a series of loud pops and Cousin Fred screaming. Friend Lamont and I jumped up and ran to the front door to see a Cobra gunship chasing Cousin Fred across the lawn and shooting what looked like golf balls at him from one of the mounted cannons. He was screaming, “We’re under attack, we’re under attack! Hide the women!” Friend Lamont and I looked at one another. The Wife, still on the roof, began cackling again. The fusillade of golf balls ceased as Cousin Fred neared the main house. The Cobra took up a defensive position above Das Boot, its weapons still pointed toward the house. From the east, another Cobra gunship moved up and took up a position over the south pasture. Then, coming from the east, we saw it. Marine One. It was Fearless Leader making another visit to The Compound! Egad! Gazooks! What now, I thought to myself? As Marine One settled on the lawn, two goons with guns (read as, Secret Service types) stepped from inside the aircraft and began running up to the house. One was carrying a long yellow tie. It was my Sponge Bob Squarepants tie. I hadn’t seen it since Fearless Leader’s last visit. I stepped out onto the porch as they got there. The one agent thrust the tie towards me and instructed me to put it on. I knew what this meant and made no move to accept the tie. “Look, we have to get back to DC for the damned Governor’s Ball. Put the f**king tie on,” the other agent said. I reluctantly accepted the tie and tied it around my neck. The yellow color really stood out against my Three Stooges black t-shirt. “Come with us,” the tie-bearer said. As I stepped down off the porch, the two goons each grabbed one of my arms and ran me across the lawn to the waiting helo. The Wife, still on the roof, began shouting, “Nice knowing you!” That was followed by more cackling. As we moved across the lawn toward the idling helicopter, I saw another goon with a gun step down from inside. He was holding someone by the arm…a woman…good grief, it was Gigi! He gave her a minor shove in our direction. As we passed on the lawn, I said, “welcome back.” It was about then that Cousin Fred spotted her and ran out into the yard yelling Gigi’s name. The Cobra gunship hovering over the north lawn commenced firing the golf ball cannon again. The golf balls littered the lawn between Cousin Fred and Gigi. He turned and ran back inside. The Wife atop the roof yelled, “Fore!” The cackling recommenced. Onboard the helo, Fearless Leader sat behind a desk dressed in black tie. In his lapel a small crossed nine irons pin. “Come on blogger boy. I have serious business back in D.C. Have to get back. The nation’s governors want to meet and greet their favorite president of all time. That’s me, by the way. Now, what do you want?” I stood, confused and unsure what to say. “Umm…,” came out. “I graciously brought back Gigi to you. Don’t need her anymore. Jeff Sessions can’t find work after I let him go, but it turns out that he worked his way through law school as a stylist at Mr. Leonard’s House of Coiffure in Mobile. So, I’ll give him a shot. You know, throw the dog a bone.” “That’s very kind of you,” I replied. “Yes, I am kind. I’m the most kindly and gracious president of all time. The only thing I ask in return is that you keep that idiot cousin of yours away from me. Got it?” “Sure, whatever.” “I have a proposal for you, blogger boy. You have a real flair for the words and smart-ass comments, don’t you? How about you take over my Twitter account. I’m much too busy with affairs of state to keep it up.” “Umm…” “Sure, you just make whatever comments you want about things happening in the world. Enrage people. That’s what I like. It attracts attention to my favorite person in the world…me.” “Yeah, I don’t think…” “Good, then it’s settled.” At that, one of the goons with guns handed me a sealed envelope. “That has the handshakes to access my Twitter account. I expect great things from you. We already have your non-disclosure agreement on file so no worries there. My campaign will pay you per tweet.” “Wait, what non-disclo…?” “Okay, now vamoose. I have a ball to attend.” At that I summarily thrown off Marine One. As the rotors began turning for takeoff, my Sponge Bob tie was whipped in the rotor wash. Sand burrs and bits of dried grass flew everywhere. After Marine One disappeared over in the east, both Cobra gunships began firing golf balls from their respective cannons. I ran a zig zag pattern back into the house. The Wife cackled. That is all. Special Sunday edition of CCB...keen political analysis (snort) contained herein! No, really!2/24/2019
 Hey everybody, welcome to a special Sunday edition of Cosmic City Blog.
You know, the Democratic field for 2020 is beginning to get kind of cluttered. With 29 either declared/undeclared/very interested/just wants to be on a list, it’s getting to be confusing to keep up with who is whom. The Washington Post earlier today published their list of the top 15 Dems in the hunt for the job. We here at CCB thought we would report that list and add a bit of snarkish commentary (read as, keen political insights) to it where we can. After all, that’s why you keep coming back here, right? We’ll count down: #15 – Former Attorney General Eric Holder, Jr. – Hmmm. You know the first thing that comes to mind is that my gift for sizing up people I’ve never met tells me Holder is a smart and decent guy. Or is he? Why would a smart guy even want that stupid job? Run Holder run…away from the White House. #14 – Former Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe – Now here’s a guy I have actually met. He’s a rare form of Dem, a fiscal conservative. He’s also expressed concern that the Democratic party is beginning to lean back to the left after several years of moderate noise. My only issue with him are his ties to the Clinton Gang. #13 – Washington Governor Jay Inslee – I was on a flight from D.C. to Seattle several years ago. I thought the guy next to me looked kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place him. At the time, I was reading Hunter Thompson’s book, “Kingdom of Fear” about the regime of King George II (George W.) and their mad gang of D.C. thugs. Then-Congressman Inslee struck up a conversation with me about the Bush administration and the state of things in America. From what I’ve seen to this point, I’m not sure he’d be an effective president…there are a lot of Washington state citizens angry with the way he’s handled things there and even the Democratic party isn’t thrilled with him. Sit this one out, Jay. #12 – Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro – Another hmmm. Up to this point, he hasn’t said much in terms of policy except that he is the “antithesis” of Trump. Not sure there’s anyone in America right now who ISN’T the antithesis of Trump. Do some thinking, buddy. #11 – Hillary F-ing Clinton (hint: I’m not a fan) – Another of the 2020s I’ve met (shudder). If Julian Castro is the antithesis of anything, Queen Hillary is the antichrist…just sayin’. #10 – Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg – Doesn’t he have something better to do? Seriously, the last thing we need is another (supposed) billionaire running the country. He’s been a Republican, he’s been an Independent…now he wants to run as a Dem. Fuhgeddaboudit…please. #9 – Senator Kirsten Gillibrand – She won reelection to her senate seat by promising (repeatedly) that she would serve out her term if reelected. Now she wants to break that promise and run for president? No thanks. Enough with lying politicians. #8 – Senator Sherrod Brown – I know, I know…who? Guy has it going on for a Dem, I’ll give him that. He’s pretty moderate and seems to be the darling of the banking sector, big business, and labor. And, he won in a state (Ohio) that Trump carried easily. Whether he would play in a party that is increasingly leaning left is hard to say. #7 – Senator Amy Klobuchar – This one has gained notoriety this past week from the tales of those staffers who have worked for her and say that she is mean, mean, mean. She is apparently not shy about launching stuff at staffers heads when she’s pissed. There was another anecdote about her eating a salad with a comb and then yelling at a staffer to wash out said comb. Hmmm, she may actually have a shot at unseating Trump, come to think it! #6 – Former congressman Beto O’Rourke – Dude has the coolest name ever…I’ll give him that. My initial impressions from the campaign he ran against that snake Ted Cruz is that this is a very smart guy. Problem is no one knows where he stands on anything. Hopefully, he’s formulating that now. #5 – Former vice president Joe Biden – Ugh…’nuff said. Sit down Uncle Joe. #4 – Senator Cory Booker – This guy swings too far whichever way the wind happens to blow that day. That makes me nervous. Go back to Jersey, sir. #3 – Senator Elizabeth Warren – She’s a smart, reasonable person. Might make a decent president. Not sure I want to listen to Trump pound on her for the next couple of years though. Seriously, Fearless Leader, the whole Pocahontas thing is getting as old as her explanations about the whole DNA thing. Still, she’s a contender. #2 – Senator Bernie Sanders – Hmmm. I guess WaPo put him at number 2 because no one really believes America is quite ready for a social democracy at this point, though honestly, it wouldn’t be a bad thing (there, I said it). Uncle Bernie has two things going for him…a holdover base that numbers in the hundreds of thousands and an uncanny ability to raise tons of $$$ in a short amount of time. A contender. #1 – Senator Kamala Harris – I’m beginning to mistrust presidential candidates who don’t seem to have a closet filled with skeletons. Seriously, EVERYBODY has baggage. Maybe I’m not paying close enough attention here. She comes off as very smooth, very smart, and overall very impressive. She may be the one to take Fearless Leader down. Nah… Inevitably, the Dems always seem to defeat themselves. Have you ever noticed that? It’s because the party is fractured, split between rabid liberals and fierce moderates that come off like day old Sonic breakfast sandwiches (i.e., soggy and greasy). So, Fearless Leader, if you or any of your thugs are reading this (someone in the WH apparently does - no seriously) then I’m pretty sure you’re safe. The Dems will self-destruct, you’ll see. In the meantime, you can sit upon your thrown binge-watching vintage game shows, eating copious double cheeseburgers, and playing video golf games. Putz. That is all!  My goodness, this country is headed for utter chaos. That opening statement not nearly profound enough for you?
Okay, here’s one: Bernie Sanders is in cahoots with Fearless Leader who is delighted to see Uncle Bernie come back into the fray. Oh, and happy hump day everybody. In case you’ve been hiding from your television set over the past 24 hours or so (smart person that you are), Bernie Sanders (aka, Uncle Bernie) announced that he’s running for president again in 2020. We’re doomed. First, a couple of updates. So last night, former acting FBI director Andrew McCabe was on CNN hinting that Donald Trump may very well be a Russian agent. Yeah, you know, I’m not sure Fearless Leader is clever enough to be a Russian agent. If I were a Russian intelligence type (which thankfully I’m not), I would want an asset who could think on their feet. An asset that would do whatever I asked, whenever I asked. That’s not Fearless Leader. He can’t see past his next shot on the 13th hole. And, he is happy to comply until the moneyed packs (read as PACs) begin stirring then it’s all about him being an evangelical (snort), a science-denying idiot (“Dinosaurs that lived 500 years ago were too flatulent and now we have global cooling!”), a war-waging hawk (“I’ll defeat everyone! The Germans haven’t learned their lesson yet!”), or a fencing company salesman (“No, no, concrete walls is so Cold War…we’re talking steel slats baby!”). McCabe is trying to sell books. That’s all. He was fired one day before he was set to retire. So, he lost his pension. If that had been me, I would have been kicking and screaming all the way into court. McCabe claims he still hasn’t decided whether he’ll sue the government for his pension. Really? There’s something very wrong there. So, let’s see, oh, the other update is that smug, arrogant creep Roger Stone is being hauled back into court to explain to the Federal judge overseeing his case what precisely was his intent with the whole rifle scope pic on Instagram. The judge has informed his legal team that it better be a good explanation otherwise she is likely to revoke his bail and drop him into a cell in that (reportedly, I’ve never been there personally) deplorable Federal lock-up in Manhattan. Okay, back to Uncle Bernie. So, I made the statement above that Uncle Bernie is in cahoots with Fearless Leader. Do I mean on an ideological level? Oh my, no. Although to be honest I can’t figure out what Fearless Leader’s ideology really is. As I pointed out above, it seems to shift with whatever individual(s) are willing to throw cash at him. Ah, maybe that’s it! Fearless Leader’s ideology is cash! Yeah, that’s it. Although I can probably say the same about Uncle Bernie. His announcement that he was throwing his hat into the race in 2020 was followed by another announcement later that afternoon that he had raised $4 million in a matter of a few hours. I will say this for Uncle Bernie, he is a master at raising large quantities of $$$ from small donations from a whole lotta people. I also guess I must give Uncle Bernie some props for kicking the progressive movement off its lazy ass back in 2016. Instead, we wound up with Hillary…judas priest (not a fan). Does Uncle Bernie have the support and momentum to take it all in 2020? Possibly. What really worries me is that having Uncle Bernie in the race (if there’s a hiccup along the way) almost guarantees a win for Fearless Leader. The problem here is that Uncle Bernie is just a bit too far to the left for most Dems. That means if he loses out on the nomination again, he may very well move over to where he’s most comfortable, running as an Independent with that vacuous idiot Howard “Mr. Coffee” Schultz. Uncle Bernie will eat Mr. Coffee for breakfast. But… If that were to happen (Uncle Bernie making a run as an independent) it will almost assuredly win another term for Fearless Leader, assuming he isn’t indicted for something in the meantime (remember Nixon?). Nixon’s still dead, right? That’s why I say Uncle Bernie is in cahoots with Fearless Leader. Fearless Leader even spoke almost fondly of Uncle Bernie yesterday following the announcement that he’s in the race. Fearless Leader sees the writing on the wall…it’s his ticket to reelection. Barf. That is all!  Hey there everybody…it’s Tuesday…the world’s gone insane…we’ll try to explain (make excuses for?) a small portion of it today.
Friends, are you arrogant? Of course not, according to you. Sometimes it takes someone else to see your true colors and inform you of your flaws. Take, for instance, one of my ex-wives who once told me, as I was grousing about someone I didn’t care for, that I just didn’t like people who are even more arrogant than I am. Huh. That hit me like a load of bricks. Did I have an existential moment of self-realization that changed me forever? Nah…not really. I recall giving her a bewildered look and then kept grousing, thinking to myself, “She just doesn’t understand me.” See, that’s the beauty of being an arrogant pr**k…you don’t know that you are, you just do what comes naturally. I don’t need no stinking existentialist philosophy. And, life goes on. That short self-revelation had something of a purpose. Overnight in my newsfeed I saw a couple of items go by that really caught my attention. First, there was a story that Fearless Leader’s (aka, Lord King Boofoo of Arrogance) nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize this year was made long before the Japanese Prime Minister Abe did so, reportedly at the behest of Trump’s people in the White House. Although Abe did some explaining in front of the Japanese parliament about his involvement in Fearless Leader’s nomination saying he never said he didn’t nominate Trump (how’s that for cagey) but refusing to say if the White House begged him to make the nomination. It all may have been kept quiet except that Fearless Leader who has never ever shied away from blowing his own horn, announced last Friday that Abe had nominated him for the Nobel Prize for his work with that NoKo fool Kim Jong Uno…a person who longs to be arrogant (can’t be arrogant if you’ve nothing to be arrogant about…just sayin’). Well, it turns out that two Norwegian pols had already nominated Fearless Leader following his 2018 summit with Kim. First, let me say that I don’t really care if Fearless Leader is nominated for this or any other award. I’m frankly still trying to figure out how Obama was nominated for and won a Nobel Prize less than a year into his first term. The fact remains that the jury is still out on NoKo’s Kim as to whether he’ll toe the line when it comes to NoKo nukes. I still say Kim is just pulling Fearless Leader along by his d**k while NoKo scientists continue development of a vehicle to deliver a nuke to The Compound. And, Fearless Leader is falling for it. In the meantime, according to reports, the U.S. Intelligence Community is warning that said development is continuing. I bet Vlad the Poot told Trump that Kim will behave. It’s like that scene in the first Star Wars movie where Obi Wan tells the stormtroopers, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” The stormtroopers repeat the words and move off to collect their Nobel Prize. And, even…EVEN if Kim isn’t continuing development of his weapons, I’m not sure Trump deserves the credit. If you’re going to give anyone a prize for getting that idiot Kim to knock it off, it should be the Chinese. They’re ones who summoned Kim to Beijing for a face-to-face with government officials before the summit with Trump. Following that trip, Kim became a lot more agreeable to whatever. And, then we come to that altogether uber eccentric pal of Fearless Leader, Roger Stone. Ever since the FBI raided his home and dragged his pajama-clad ass off in the early morning hours, Stone has displayed supreme arrogance, a level of arrogance only heretofore sought by yours truly but never achieved. He continually goaded his accusers, probably expecting full well that Fearless Leader would pardon him. Ah, but…Stone’s haughty ways may be his downfall. The federal judge presiding over his case slapped a gag order on all parties to keep their mouths shut and refuses to pass the case off to another federal judge. What does Stone do? He posted on Instagram a closely cropped photo of the judge’s face with what appeared to be a rifle’s crosshairs next to her head. The backlash was immediate and unmerciful…pointing out that even the hint of threatening a federal judge (not to mention one that is presiding over your case) whether that was your intention or not is not only supremely stupid (and arrogant) but is also a felony. Stone’s lawyers immediately filed a formal apology with the court, saying their client regrets his action and is wholly sorry for what he’s done. Eh, may be too late. Idiot. So, there you have it. Arrogance and contemptuous pride may be self-fulfilling to a point, until you go too far and then it’s not. That is all!  Hey, Happy President’s Day…remember me? Yes, I know I didn’t publish any posts on this stupid blog last week, but it was a rough week. I had another series of appointments for medical nonsense, both in Cosmic City and OKC. Happy to report all seems to be moving along. And, then, late in the week, I attended the funeral of a cousin whose infectious laughter and charm will most certainly be missed.
Seriously, you people are so demanding! I know, I know, I should have reposted old posts, but I didn’t, so thhhhptt! Put on your big boy panties and deal with it. Okay, that was then, this is now. Let’s get underway. So, the really big event last week that we missed tossing around like a loose hand grenade was Fearless Leader’s announcement that he was going to declare a “national emergency” to grab enough $$$ to build several miles of the Great Wall of America. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. And, you know what? I’m kind of glad he did that. It’ll be his swan song. Think about it. He managed to piss off about half of the Repubs who see this as a bad precedent to set. Let’s suppose a Dem president in the future is trying to get funding for, oh I don’t know, paying criminals not to misbehave and failing getting said funding the usual route, he/she/Hillary declares a national emergency, then what? Frankly, it was all timed perfectly (in Fearless Leader’s mind anyway). He was able to avert another federal shutdown by signing a spending bill that provided him with $1.8 billion. He then in turn announced that $1.8 billion wasn’t enough, declared a national emergency and wound up with something north of $8 billion for the Great Wall of America. As I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter. The wall will fail…it’s an ill-conceived short-sighted solution (cough) for solving a problem that is a good deal more complex than one president could possibly solve in two-terms (if it goes that far). You think he cares about ill-conceived or short-sighted? Nah, not when he’s a narcissistic egomaniac who figures the Great Wall of America is his legacy. But hey, it’s over, he got his way. That’s the end of it, right? Eh, not so much. Let the litigation begin. Fearless Leader says he expects that and seems to welcome it. He thinks it will make it all the way to the Supreme Court where he will ultimately prevail. Of course, that will be long after his first (and last?) term, so who cares? In the meantime, he has Mr. Spray-on Hair, Stephen Miller, on Fox News announcing that Fearless Leader will veto any attempt by the Dems to legislatively block approval of his national emergency. At that point, the Fox News person began berating Spray-on to explain (in detail for once) exactly why the national emergency declaration was necessary given that the “statistics” Trump used to make his case appear to be made up. Yeah, how about that? Eh well…we’ll see. On to the next problem. For instance, Fearless Leader is beginning to sound more and more like a third-world dictator wanting to shut down Saturday Night Live for making fun of him. Get over yourself, putz! Okay, okay enough of Fearless Leader. Friends, if you’ve been to as many countries as I have over the years, you’ve probably eaten some weird stuff. I know I have. Something came across the newsfeed over the weekend that caught our attention. In Indonesia, grocers are selling a rather weird fruit known as J-Queen Durian Fruit. The thing is all spikey and scary looking. So what, you say? Well, for one, it sells for $1,000 (US) per fruit. Still not put off, you say? You Diamond Jim Brady wannabe. Okay, how about the people who describe the ripe Durian as smelling like an open sewer. Of course, those who pay the $1,000 per fruit say it is delightful with a “fluffy, sweet” taste. Hmmm…maybe if you’re a rich Ed Norton (The Honeymooners Ed Norton – look it up) you can get past the stench. Okay, enough drivel for one day. I’m headed to Walmart to demand that they order some J-Queen Durians. When they arrive, I’ll complain that they weren’t stored at the proper temperature and spoiled, “Can’t you smell that?” And refuse to pay. Then I’ll hit the door running. That is all!  Hey, hey everybody…it’s Friday! Time to dust off your old hardhat that doubles as a two-beer can holder with a hose coming down to your mouth. You’ll need that hardhat for when you topple over after one too many two-beer loads.
But you deserve that. It’s been a hell of a week, hasn’t it? Let’s see Fearless Leader was on national TV (preempting NCIS, by the way) giving his State of the Union speech. Of course, in the process he managed to run right over House Sneaker Nancy of the Chuck & Nancy Show by not allowing her the traditional “privilege” of introducing the president. Fearless Leader just got up there and spoke. He later told aides he needed no stinking introduction, “Everyone knows who I am, the greatest president of all time!” Of course, Sneaker Nancy got in her own digs. She made smirking faces throughout, was tweeting under her desk, performed a snarky clap in his direction, and otherwise appeared distracted by trying to follow Fearless Leader’s script. As State of the Union speeches go, it wasn’t bad. Guess that means someone else wrote it. He was all over the place, covering a lot of topics near and dear to (some of) the American people. He spoke of unified nonpartisan governance (snort)…that’ll never happen. Of course, he could barely wait to get back to the White House where Melania gave him his phone back so he could take up the usual rants in Twitter, but for a time he seemed…dare, I say…almost presidential. But that was then, this is now. I was going to take up today’s post with news from Universal Studios in Orlando (again, with Florida) that they’ve added a new troll to those that greet visitors as they come through the gates. So what, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. This is a naked troll farts on visitors as he greets them and when said naked troll farts, he expels a cloud of glitter. Bet that shut you up. Yep, the new troll with fabulous flatulence is known as Guy Diamond. The thing is, this is a good thing for the economy…sort of. It seems that Universal Studios Orlando had to hire two new employees whose job it is to sweep up the glitter and presumably stuff it back in Guy’s ass. And, you just thought this was a weird week? Commence heavy drinking now. As I said, I was going to take up most of today’s post discussing naked flatulent trolls and somehow blaming Trump for the decay of American civilization (har har). But then I finally read the latest offering from the Dems in Congress, this whole Green New Deal trotted out by newbie Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (she prefers AOC) and decided to devote some time to that. Let me start by saying that for those of you, like Fearless Leader and Sneaker Nancy, who figure AOC is a flash in the pan who will disappear after her term is up, you’re wrong. She was elected from a district that is probably one of the most liberal on the east coast. She isn’t going anywhere. She will keep her seat, probably for as long as she wants it. When the Green New Deal was announced, I honestly didn’t pay much attention to it. But then I read into the details. You know what? It’s not perfect, far from it. I think this was intended to be a guiding document, not the end-all, be-all. And, you know what else? She’s on to something. It’s a different world than it was a decade or so ago. The GOP had their chance. They ruled America with an aluminum alloy fist. I’ve stated many times in this stupid blog how they managed to gain so much power and hold it for so long, by telling lower- to middle-class Americans what they wanted to hear…namely, “We’re the party for you! You stick with us and we’ll all be living the American dream that Norman Rockwell painted! You’ll see!” But, as I’ve also pointed out, those debts came due and most of the undereducated, desperately struggling Americans they brought along are finally beginning to realize that mega-wealthy aren’t going to give them a leg up. They (i.e., mega-wealthy creeps) got what they wanted, your vote. Now they’re done with you until you’re needed again. Hopefully you won’t starve or become die because you couldn’t afford a lifesaving prescription. So, truly, the time is probably ripe for pushing something like the Green New Deal. AOC is a force to be reckoned with, no doubt. I had kind of dismissed her as another loudmouthed radical liberal, but I’m beginning to see the genius in what she’s doing. If you’ve not read the non-binding 14-page resolution she pushed forward this week, I would encourage you do so. As I said, it’s not perfect, in fact it’s woefully flawed, but it’s a stake in the ground (okay, a flaming arrow) and the beginning of a new movement. And, no, it’s not because I would happily accept payment from the government for being “unwilling” to work (still not sure how that works). It’s a new day in America. Mark my words, this is only the start. That is all!  It’s Monday everybody! Hope you had a great weekend with the Super Bowl outcome you wanted, well, if the SB outcome you wanted was for New England to win (again…blech) or L.A. to lose. Either way, I suppose you’re a winner…maybe…hmm.
So, the big story in my newsfeed over the weekend was increased speculation as to how Fearless Leader maintains that orangish glow he has year ‘round. Seriously? That’s the best the newsfeed people can come up with? The economy seems to be firing on all cylinders (for now), we may be teetering on the edge of another arms race with the Russians, another Federal shutdown is in the offing, oh, and, the sitting governor of Virginia appears to be losing his mind. That’s the best the media can up with to obsess over? Okay, we’ll roll with it. So, the initial reports of Fearless Leader’s Orange Hostess Cupcake look say that it’s due to his having “good genes.” <cough> Good genes? Really? Shame he didn’t inherit good hair genes so he wouldn’t have to rely on the dead cat on his head. The thing is, he always seems to have raccoon eyes like someone who spends too much time outside snow skiing. If you aren’t a skier, that is generally a sign of someone who is either: 1) using a tanning bed or lamp; or, 2) stepping inside an Earl Schieb paint booth (dear Millennials, he was a guy who ran commercials back in the 1970-1990s claiming he could paint any car for $99 – you’re welcome). But, “sources” inside the White House claim there is no such apparatus in the WH. One other insider claims that Fearless Leader powders his face with some sort of translucent powder that gives him that trademark glow. But orange? A crack team of dermatologists claim that it looks to them like the work of someone who uses self-tanning products (think George Hamilton, but orange). I seem to recall that around election time in 2016, a friend of Ivanka made a comment to a reporter that according to the daughter, her father applied a self-tanning product, but grew too impatient waiting the prescribed amount of time before showering. Hence, the orange glow. But, in the big scheme of things who cares really? If the president wants to appear as an Orange Hostess Cupcake, so be it, I say. After all, this is America where you can appear in public anyway you want. And, if that “want” is with an orange face and dead cat on your head, so be it! Besides, there are bigger things to puzzle over…like, what the hell is going on with the Waffle House restaurants? Now you long-time readers of this nonsense will recall that we at CCB have often (altogether too often really) reported on incidents taking place in Waffle House restaurants. There have been naked women throwing food and plates around the place, female employees dipping their long hair into boiling pots of water on the stove (apparently to straighten said hair?), naked men running around the outside of the store and pressing themselves up against the glass to the dismay and amusement of the dining public inside, and even my own experiences at the Waffle House in OKC…to name a few. Why would we do that, you ask? Because someone in the media feels compelled to thrash Waffle House at every turn…and we WERE fond of Waffle House food, particularly the grits that they’ve removed from the menu for some reason! So, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that there was a rumble at a Waffle House in South Carolina (pictured above during a ceasefire) several days ago. Video of the fight has made it online (doesn’t it always). The vid shows two employees initially grappling and punching one another. There are obscenities being shouted, waffles being launched, windows being broken…you know, a typical Friday morning shift change at Waffle House. In the end, one of the employees picked up two long (and presumably sharp) knives and suggested the other employee come outside. The prompted the other employee to hint that he had a gun and would go fetch it. Through the melee, customers can be seen in the video calmly eating their food and (probably) praying the blood doesn’t begin to fly. See? Just another Waffle House morning shift change. Ain’t no big thing! Stay the hell out of Waffle House! But, if you go, go heavily armed, just in case. That is all! |
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