 Áahtomónēhene Ého'eéto!
Happy Tuesday from snowbound Colorado. We’re weeks behind our shooting schedule. We’re still assembling talent for shooting the upcoming episodes of “Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed” for VICELAND (dedicated readers will note the change from Vice Channel to VICELAND – it’s how they prefer to be referred to according to the stern letter CCB received from the cable channel’s attorneys). I don’t care anymore…I’ve manage to keep myself calm by studying the Cheyenne language (as you may have noticed from the opening – I’m quite the scholar). We’ll tough it out here in the Keystone Resort. Not even heading back for Thanksgiving, we’ll just have to work through. Little matter really, all of the family back in Oklahoma have scattered to the winds for the holiday. Even the Wife is off on another of her fabulous holidays, flying to Utah for skiing with Nirvana Trump and her entourage. Not sure how the Wife got so close to NT to wrangle an invitation, but it should all be entertaining when/if she punches her (I’ll leave replacing the pronouns with names to you). So it’s just me, Cousin Fred, Friend Lamont (from western Arkansas), and the Francesca (oh, didn’t I mention? She’s out of jail.) here in CO. After that last blizzard came through, we were snowed in here for two days. Cousin Fred assures me that he has a plan for quickly assembling the talent we need so we can start shooting. VICELAND sent a video crew out to shoot a making-of documentary about Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed. There’s nothing that quite compares to the sensation of waking up in the morning to find a camera lens mere inches from your face. But, they’re paying the bills so I smile and go along with the program. Speaking of going along with the program – have you noticed that the world hasn’t (yet) ended with the election of The Trump? Oh sure, potential conflicts of interest keep piling up, but I’m sure they’ll get all of that sorted out. Right? I’m envious of the guy I read about on the Huffington Post web site, who since Election Day has cut himself off from the media. He doesn’t know who won the election and doesn’t want to know. He just goes around town wearing a pair of noise-cancelling headphones so he doesn’t accidentally catch wind of any news. He even has a sign around his neck that says he doesn’t know who won the election and isn’t interested in finding out. He claims he has a peaceful, easy feeling about it all. And, he knows he won’t be let down. Because he’s already standing on middle ground. Hahahahaha As the video crew from VICELAND and I were discussing last night, while passing around a bottle of Patron tequila in the hot tub, the election did accomplish one thing at least. It opened four states up to legalized recreational marijuana use and I think two more for medicinal use. Ganja George, the sound man, was talking about a catalog he recently received that offered a host of weed grinders. One, in particular, caught his eye. A solid silver model ($750) that you wear around your neck made by Vetements, the same French company that sells $980 t-shirts online. G.G. said that he was considering getting the high-priced grinder as a Christmas gift for his Hindu girlfriend. I contemplated the lack of irony in that as I took another swallow of Patron and realized I was beginning to see two G.G.’s. My tequila meter pegged at that point. Actually, the whole legalized weed thing is becoming huge business here. The Wife recently tracked down and researched a company based in Canada that stands to profit in a major way with each state that goes legal. She bought up some of their stock just before everyone else realized that they were there and the price took off. Guess that’s how she can afford her fabulous vacations with Nirvana and gang. Truthfully, I don’t even know what the company’s angle is…whether they’re retailers, distributors, who knows. But, they’re out in front of everyone else apparently and the Wife made a fistful of cash. For me…I’m just sitting here nursing a hangover that would kill an elephant, worrying over a shooting schedule, and conjugating verbs in Cheyenne. That is all.  I’m not generally the type of person to say I told you so, but dammit people, I told you so.
More than a year ago, I was having dinner with a local media type (she won’t let me utter her name in this here blog) when I told her that I thought there was a chance that the Trump could pull it off. That doesn’t mean I want you to send me emails begging for my predictions of where your foxy old Aunt Edna buried her mayonnaise jar of cash in the state park (it’s behind the campground restroom). Nope, I could see an inkling of how this could happen even then. I don’t have the figures at my fingertips, but in the past several elections there were huge swaths of Americans who just didn’t vote. They sat it out because, well, who knows why? Most likely, it was uninspiring candidates who failed miserably in identifying with prospective voters. All it took was someone who could connect with them. Say the kinds of crap that they wanted to hear. Combine that with a suspiciously unindicted criminal as an opponent and voila! you’re president! It was these people that pollsters missed. The so-called invisibles. People who waited until the last possible minute to register. I even told you about them in a late October post, though admittedly I questioned whether it was a valid theory and if the Trump’s people were smart enough to figure it out. They were. I have to say, the Trump’s people were brilliant in pulling this off. How else could a loathsome, crass individual get away with the gaffs he was spewing forth daily and still get himself elected? Eh well, for better or worse, we’re in it for four years. As the late, great Hunter S. Thompson would say, “Buy a ticket, take the ride!” And, next time…listen to me! By the way, I know where your weird Uncle Carl buried all of his guns and ammo…email me. That is all!  Good morning everybody. Happy pre-Election Day. From what I’ve seen, it looks as though most of you have already voted…show-off freaks. I’ll be out there in the pre-dawn gloom tomorrow morning with the rest of the underachievers hoping to not be turned away once I finally make it up to the table where a pack of angry women decide whether or not I’m eligible to vote based on a whim at the moment.
The first time I voted here in Oklahoma after moving back was for the primary election back in the late spring or early summer (a distant memory). I presented ID as one of the three opened her book of life and began searching for my name. One of the other two said (even though she’d never met me), “You’re a Republican, right?” Still not getting it, I responded with a cheerful, “Why no, I’m a Democrat.” A sullen and suspicious “Oh,” was the response. The three of them glowered at me, but didn’t say another word. Finally, one of them shoved a ballot with a big red “D” stamped on it toward me and pointed a boney finger toward the booth. I considered apologizing to the ladies and everyone within hearing distance for being one of “them”, but thought better of it. I even considered telling them that I’m a disgruntled Dem who doesn’t always vote along party lines, but alas, I knew it would lost on deaf ears. So, I have that to look forward to tomorrow. And, while we’re on the subject, did anyone else watch any of the crap flying across the TV this weekend about the Queen of the Unindicted’s email brouhaha? Things had kind of quieted down after the FBI’s announcement that they had uncovered another 650,000 emails on the Pervert Weiner’s laptop that his wife, the now all but fired personal assistant of Her Majesty had opened and read – when she still had a job. King of the Feebs Comey indicated that it would be well after the election before the Federal Buffoon’s email sniffing program could get through that many emails. But, wait… What’s that? There on TV is King of the Feebs announcing that what the Federal Buffoon’s were finding that there was nothing new. There were a whole lot of duplicates. Of course, there was no mention that regardless, she had still mishandled classified material…oh no. The Clinton Camp – seriously, they’re out of money and hanging out at KOA for next few days – breathed an altogether too quiet sigh of relief. The Trump, on the other hand, went crazy. He’s calling for the King of the Feebs’ head on a pike. He wants to know how…and honestly I’d like to know this myself…the Federal Buffoons made it through 650,000 emails in so short of time. The Trump then upgraded those rants into statements about how the FBI is rigged (whatever the hell that means). He may be right. It must genuinely suck to be King of the Feebs. It occurred to me then that this isn’t going to end tomorrow. The rants, the endless Game of Thrones that this election cycle has become is going to keep going. There will be challenges from both sides to the results no matter what they are. It’ll be too close not for that to happen. The increasingly painful and swelling hemorrhoid that is presidential politics isn’t going to end tomorrow. So I found myself searching for something to help me get my head clear of the buffoonery, the drama, and generally the bubbling, gaseous cesspool that is politics in America. And, I found it. And, it come from Florida. I don’t know what it is about Florida. I suppose it’s where the crazy people go when they get too cold. But, you can always count on bloggable crap coming out of the Sunshine State. There, and Ohio seems to have its share of looney toons too. Here in Oklahoma we have nuts…lots of ‘em…but we’re nowhere near the other two states in total “huh, WTF?” factor. So KFOR-TV was running a story that is almost a week old. Seriously, it’s that slow a news day that you had to lead with a week-old story? But, I digress. This is not about questionable editorial content practices and/or ineptitude. Oh, no. This is about hard (nyuk, nyuk) news. So, some guy in south Florida is reported to police after he calls a woman over to his vehicle to show her that: 1) he’s driving around naked in broad daylight; and, 2) his penis is encased in some electronic device with lots of wires coming out of it. So, she calls the cops and reports the guy as a perv. Hmmmm…now how did she know he wasn’t a victim himself? Seriously, think about it. This has Bruce Willis movie written all over it, wherein weird perverted terrorists attach an IED (in this case Improvised Erectile Device) to Willis’ Willy. This forces him to drive around town in search of the woman with the special code to unlock said IED and free Willy, all the while squinting through the smoke from the cigarette dangling from a corner of his mouth. It’s a blockbuster waiting to write itself, I’m telling you! But, that wasn’t the case here. The cops tried to stop him. Pervy Pete refused. Eventually, he was wrestled to the ground and the cops beat the crap out of him. No word on whether the bomb squad was called in to remove the electronic device from (I’m sure) his now shriveled penis (the thrill is gone!) or for that matter what exactly the electronic device was doing attached to his business. Come on KFOR…if you’re going to report something go all the way with it! Pervy Pete is now in jail charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition, exposure of sexual organs (it ain’t a Wurlitzer, baby!), and resisting a law enforcement officer without violence (I guess because he laid there and let them beat him senseless). The dude was just searching for the code! Hahaha…that is all! |
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