 Ugh…0330 here at The Compound. Trying to get The Wife out the door for yet another of her fabulous vacations. Beginning to think the filterless Pall Malls are a real problem…she has one suitcase stuffed with the damned things. Like you can’t get Pall Malls in Mexico? Eh, maybe not.
Great night last night with the The Dad playing at a local event that was in his honor. He deserved that and I was glad to see him get the recognition. Was up at 0230 to get The Wife up and out the door and now I’m trying to decide if I should go back to bed for an hour or just tough it out. I vote for tough it out. Besides, I just made a pot of coffee so I guess I’m up for the long haul. The Nephew and his family are on some sort of secret mission to the sandbox…no, the one here in NW Oklahoma. I haven’t been to the Little Sahara since I was in high school. I should visit there sometime. Actually, The Nephew pre-positioned his RV there during the day on Thursday. Hmmmm…I’ll bet they have room for me in that RV. Maybe Cousin Fred and I will head over there after Cousin Fred gets back from dropping off The Wife in OKC. At least I’m hoping he’ll drop her off…he’s snoring on the sofa right now, but is grasping a set of keys in one hand. I guess that’s a good sign. The mutts are all wide-awake, so I guess I’m screwed for getting back to sleep. Eh, well…sleep is overrated anyway. Or, as the poet (can’t remember his name) who wrote “A Shropshire Lad” put it, (and, yes, I’m paraphrasing here) “…when we’re dead, There’ll be time enough for sleeping.” When Cousin Fred was last conscious, we had a conversation about making the trip to the vast wasteland of Indiana. The primary is Tuesday. According to the Fox News whores, if The Trump takes Indiana, it’s pretty much over. I think we’ll set our sights on arriving in Indiana late morning on Monday. That will give us an opportunity to ensure our suite is well-stocked for any post-primary parties we want to host. Hey, the way I look at it I’m saving MAD Magazine (our sponsor) a ton of dough by hanging out at The Compound for the next few days. Cousin Fred and I will pull all the TVs and computers into one room here and turn it into a campaign command center. DISH network has those channels that show several channels at once. We can monitor any developments and then report to MAD. That’s all for today. I’m going to try to get some sleep! Stay tuned for more.  Happy Thursday everyone! I’m back at The Compound this morning, taking a break from the road. Cousin Fred and I will head to Indiana tomorrow or Saturday to follow The Trump.
After his major foreign policy speech in DC yesterday, I’m beginning to wonder about the guy. There wasn’t anything particularly new in that speech. He mostly defended foreign policy rants he’s made in the past, just restating them with a bit less vitriol. But, hey, that’s not why Cousin Fred and I embedded with him for the long-haul. He’s still the most entertaining candidate out there and at some point that presidential façade he’s suddenly adopted will crumble and the bat-shit crazy billionaire will reemerge. The Wife leaves on one of her fabulous vacations tomorrow so I still have to work out a dog sitter to come in while we’re on the stump with Trump. Generally when she’s gone it means I get to eat beef and pork at will and I even try to stay up later – 9PM instead of 8:30 – o’ the debauchery! There were two items in the Woodward News (whose motto taken from the Latin is “You want real news? So make real news!”) this morning that inspired me as I was starting to write this post. The first, and yes I know I went on ad infinitum about this last year - about Oklahoma receiving its annual payment from the Tobacco Settlement Endowment Trust Fund. The payment, in the amount of $76 million, pushed Oklahoma’s fund once again just above $1 billion according to the state treasurer. That money is supposedly used to help people in the state stop smoking. That’s great, really it is, but other than those goofy commercials where small kids are fingering tobacco products and asking if they can take some home, where is the money going? In the past ten years, I’ve lost three close relatives who died as a result of smoking. Why not do something substantive for smokers who want to quit? Seriously…$1 billion would fund a lot of programs to help people stop smoking. What the hell is the state going to do with that money? I suppose Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin will use some of it to fund additional Botox treatments now that she’s been tapped as The Trump’s running mate. But, I digress…same as last year, the $76 million dollar payment doesn’t all go to the trust fund…oh no. $19 million of it is taken right off the top and divided between the morons in the state legislature and the Oklahoma attorney general. The morons supposedly use it to fund health care initiatives (uh huh). The OAG’s cash goes to his “evidence fund”…seriously? When I first broke this last year, I spent some time calling around trying to find out what the hell the OAG’s evidence fund is all about. Either nobody knows or they won’t talk about it. What’s the big secret? Are they buying evidence? Paying off people? $9.5 million a year would buy a lot of evidence I’m thinking. This year, though I may have a solution. The other article in the paper this morning that caught my eye is that it’s Law Day today. Attorneys around the state are allowing us non-attorneys to call into hotlines to ask questions. I encourage ALL Oklahomans to call in during the Law Day (number is 800-456-8525) and ask what the hell the OAG’s evidence fund is actually used for. If you don’t get a satisfactory response, keep calling until you do. Someone in the Oklahoma Bar must have worked in the OAG’s office at some point. Let’s make Law Day actually mean something this year! Oh, and be sure to let me know if you get a plausible answer. Hey, Buddy...yeah you...need a deer crossing or men at work sign? Got one, right here, Buddy!4/27/2016
 Good Wednesday…hump day…mid-week…whatever.
Cousin Fred and I missed the weather drama yesterday. We’re in Philadelphia this morning following a night in which The Trump swept five states on his way to the GOP nomination. You know, I never really thought he would pull this off, but I’m beginning to realize, it may very well happen. I would caution political neophytes though to never underestimate the cunning and underhandedness of the GOP. It’s a long way to convention, baby. Cousin Fred and I watched the primary results in our hotel room. Frankly, I’ve never been a big fan of being down on the floor anywhere there’s a crowd and The Trump’s fans make me particularly nervous. So we sat in our hotel room eating cheese-steak sandwiches and drinking beer. I’ve not paid much attention to the travel itinerary, but I presume we’re off now for Indiana. That’ll be fun…barf. I hate that state and every time I’ve had to drive through it, I go as fast as possible just praying I can get to the state line without being mugged, infected, or arrested. I’m working to get close to Gigi…The Trump’s hairdresser. Never heard of Gigi, you say? That’s because no one can get near her. She is sequestered from contact with public and the media in particular. The way I see it, The Trump has two Achilles heels…the first is his hair. He is famous for not letting TV makeup people near it. He’d break someone’s arm before he’d let them touch it. It’s one of my goals to get a photo at some point that reveals what manner of wig or dead cat with the mange that is atop his noggin. I’ve also picked up grumblings from the rest of the press corps that The Trump is a rabid germaphobe. I got a hint of that when I witnessed him come off the plane in Philadelphia yesterday, shake everyone’s hands and then dip his hands in a vat of germkiller foam. I’m planning to work that angle a bit and see if we can see The Trump in full meltdown mode. Like I said, it’s a long way to convention, baby! The signs are all there. And speaking of signs…did you hear the one about the mayor of a small town in upstate New York who is accused of stealing 111 road signs from the New York Dept. of Transportation? It seems the 60 year old mayor has worked for NY-DOT in the sign workshop since 2001. He has served as the town’s mayor since 2004. Now you’re probably asking yourself, what in the hell would he do with 111 road signs? I know I was. I thought that perhaps he was some kind of nutty collector who filled a barn with the darn things and then invited those two dweebs from ‘American Pickers’ to come by and make an offer. Nah, if even you were that much of a collector, who cares? Then I wondered if maybe he was stealing them to sell on eBay to poorer states (perhaps Indiana – hate that state) where they can’t afford new road signs. Seriously, purloined signage in Indiana would be better than what they currently use, which is nothing. Even GPS gets confused there. Turns out the Lord High-Mayor of Frankfort Village, NY was stealing the signs and then handing them over to the Village’s public works department for use around town. Yeah, seems that small towns in New York normally have to make application and pay a fee to get signage from the NY-DOT. Mr. Mayor by-passed all that. I say, good for him! If you’ve ever tried to get Cosmic City or Cosmic County for that matter to install…oh, let’s say, a Children at Play sign…near your home, you know how frustrating it can be. Of course, for his trouble, he was arrested by New York State Police on 111 Class A Misdemeanor counts and will have to stand trial. I don’t know why they’re making such a fuss…it’s a sign of the times. Hahahaha  Good morning everybody! After a long pause CCB is back!
It is, however, my sad duty to report that Lassie the Barking Goat is no longer grazing among us. Although it remains unclear as to what exactly happened on that mountain in Montezuma, CO – I think I can confirm with a good deal of confidence that he was carried off by The Bigfoot. After so many days on the side of that mountain around naked people, Lassie the Barking Goat had developed kind of an attitude. By that, I mean he would lower his head and butt anyone he perceived as being in his way. I can’t say that I blame him for that. Frankly, I was getting tired of being around all that nakedity myself. It got so I didn’t bother to look up to see the face of someone addressing me. I could tell by looking at their parts who they were…parts is parts after all. Anyway, I think Lassie the Barking Goat head-butted The Bigfoot and was promptly scooped up and taken away as a meal. We heard an awful ruckus one night, but there was little evidence other than the gigantic foot prints (hence, The Bigfoot). The good news in all of that is that we have eight episodes of raw video footage for our reality show, “The Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed” in the can (Hollywood-speak). We had an amazing cast, all of them singers besides being naked reality show talent. I think we got some real classic television in those cans (figuratively speaking, of course). So, the video footage is off for post-production work. The biggest part of which will be the blurring of the parts, which will be a real challenge, me thinks. Cousin Fred, as he was casting for talent, seemed to be picking the people with the most…ummmmm…prominent parts, let’s say. So, there will be a lot of blurred pixels being used. I don’t want to give away the ending of the trip. We’ll save that, but I will tell you it’s pretty spectacular. How’s that for a teaser? So it is that The Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed is in the can and now Cousin Fred and I are off on a new adventure. We’ve been asked to embed with The Trump’s growing press corps for the remaining ten primaries (after today, Super Tuesday 13). Well, I was asked to embed with the campaign. Cousin Fred is coming along for the ride. He has one of the video cameras that we used on The Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed set and we’ll do interviews along the way with the candidate. The Trump’s campaign director was at first reluctant to even let me on board. Particularly given that my sponsor (cum employer) for the embedment (sic) is MAD Magazine. But, fearing that MAD Magazine’s real interest lies on the Clinton side, they figured it was better to keep an eye on me. As for, Cousin Fred, they agreed to let him come along on a Space “A” basis. If Wisenski from the Post makes it back from his unfortunate fall down the stairs leading up to the plane’s door, they’ll likely bump Cousin Fred. I’ll say right now that I doubt Wisenski from the Post will make it back. Just sayin’. Although it would have been nice to spend a little more time here at The Compound decompressing, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. I’m not sure The Wife wanted us around anyway. She leaves for Mexico (olé) on Friday and doesn’t have time for our nonsense. Since we got back from Colorado yesterday, she keeps moving around the house with a filterless Pall Mall gritted in her teeth muttering something about naked perverts. I’ll ask The Brother-in-Law to swing by The Compound and make sure things are okay while we’re gone. Cousin Fred and I leave for Philadelphia this morning. After that, we’re on the road constantly through the end of June. Then it’s on to the GOP convention. After that, I reckon that Cousin Fred and I will be trailing after The Trump all the way to the general election in November – assuming he wins the nomination, of course. MAD Magazine is gearing up to take their publication from every other month to every other week all the way to the general election. Be sure to buy the editions with my dispatches from the road, which I’m tentatively calling, “On the Stump with The Trump”…I know, catchy right? As this moves along, The Trump’s campaign becomes even more interesting. For instance, I saw something in the Woodward News (whose motto translated from the Ukrainian is “open wide”) this morning that Mary Fallin is being considered as a vice presidential running mate for The Trump. Well, I guess that’s one way to get rid of her. Just sayin’. And then yesterday, the Fox News whores and the CNN bimbos (and yes, I count Wolf Blitzer among that group) were positively giddy about a report that Ted “The Chin” Cruz and John “The Choirboy” Kasich were (and I quote) combining forces to stop The Trump. The Trump, of course, dismissed all that as so much desperation – and, I think he’s right. Hang on folks, it’s going to be a wild ride to Cleveland or wherever the hell the GOP will hold its convention. Okay, clean underwear is done drying…we’re out of here! |
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