|
My brother-in-law came by this morning with his new bass boat. We put it into the largish puddle next to the compound and did a little trolling with jigs for sandies. Didn’t catch much, but we got to watch a spectacular sunrise.
As we were fishing, my smartphone (with its ring-tone of Barry Switzer’s voice saying “We invented winning, we invented championships”) alerted me that Cousin Fred from Western Arkansas was calling. Those of you who are dedicated readers of CCB (if you are, please let us know…it gets lonely writing these posts) may recall that calls from Cousin Fred are a monthly event and generally herald Fred’s latest entrepreneurial scheme. I asked the brother-in-law if wanted to talk to Fred (hoping he would answer the call), but he muttered something about my sister still gnawing his ass for “investing” in last month’s deal. So, I answered… Cousin Fred was all fired up. It seems that he and his Korean roommate, Mr. Kim, have decided to go into the business of producing a Korean plum-based liqueur known as maesil ju (매실주) (which, translated from the Korean means, “100 proof hooch”). Cousin Fred told me that Mr. Kim wishes to bid on the entire crop of sand plums this summer. I told him as long as he didn’t intend on making plum ‘shine anywhere on the property he was welcome to take all the sand plums he can haul back to Arkansas. He was delighted. I learned my lesson with Cousin Fred years ago while I was living in Northern Virginia. He showed up at the door one day saying that he had gotten an unbelievable deal on several crates of raw Uzbekistani coffee beans. He asked me to store them in my garage. He indicated that he would be roasting them in my driveway over the next couple of weeks and assured me that he had local buyers ready to take the product off his hands. Don’t know if you’ve ever been around roasting coffee beans, but the smoke it creates smells like…well, coffee…and permeates everything. I’m still paying off the fines and Cousin Fred’s bail bondsman Vinny “The Tool” LoStrumento. Somehow, I suspect Mr. Kim and I will be barging sand plums down the North Canadian, et al to Arkansas this summer. Hell, with the rains that we’ve had, we may just make it. But, I digress… After an early morning of high-stakes bass fishing (the boat sank) and commodities futures trading, I was taking my morning coffee on the porch at the compound and re-reading the interior sections of yesterday’s Woodward News since the brother-in-law’s visit and Cousin Fred’s call this morning put me off my routine of driving into town for the latest edition. On Page 3A of the 4/29 paper, I came across a short article that indicated that Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin has signed a bill legalizing switchblade knives in Oklahoma. Well…congratulations, I guess. That bunch of morons on North Lincoln Boulevard actually got something done and just a day or two ahead of their summer/fall/early winter break. Truth be told…who cares? It’s not like everyone walking around Woodward will be carrying a switchblade as they already do a gun. Seriously. First of all, Federal law (last I checked anyway) still trumps state law. Federal law makes it a criminal offense to manufacture and/or import switchblade knives. So while HRH says you can carry a switchblade knife…where the hell are you going to get one? AND, why in the hell would you even want one? Have you ever opened a switchblade? The blade opens with such force that knife practically leaps from your hand. How tough are you going to look when you’re confronted by a mugger and you reach into your pocket while sneering at your soon-to-be opponent. You press the button, the blade deploys and the knife falls out of your hand and clatters on the sidewalk. Over the past twenty years or so, most knife makers and importers have found ways to sidestep the law. For instance, some smart attorney type (probably not CCB’s disbarred and disgraced corporate counsel) figured out that if you put a thumb stud on a spring-loaded knife it is no longer technically a switchblade because the blade can be deployed manually (i.e., by means other than pressing a button). Most knife manufacturers started referring to their spring-loaded wares as AO (assisted opening) or SA (spring assisted) with a tab on the spine of the blade or the aforementioned thumb screw for deployment. In fact, in 2009, the numbnuts in the U.S. Congress modified the original 1958 statute to exclude spring assisted knives and a few others (knife makers have a powerful lobby). Again, why would you even carry a real-honest-to-goodness switchblade unless you’re planning to re-create the fight scene in West Side Story? I collect knives and have many, many, many AO knives. Nowadays, they use special silicone bearings that fling that blade out at lightspeed. So, my point here is that the bill making an anachronistic edged weapon legal for Oklahomans to carry is a waste of time and resources. We’re days away from the State Capitol turning into something resembling main street in Fargo (without the guy on the corner raising goats in the back of the old Kennedy Cafe) and this is the best legislation they could come up with? Guess we’ll have to wait until next February when the ghouls of North Lincoln Boulevard once again rise from their summery/fallish/early wintery tombs and go bat-sh*t crazy again! Can’t wait. I don’t know about you, but all of that rain we’ve been getting has transformed the compound into a veritable Garden of Eden where sprigs of Bermuda grass now outnumber the sandburs 4:1. In fact, I spent so much time outside dancing naked in the rain Monday that the wife called the Sheriff’s Department to have me arrested for lewd and lascivious public display…we’re still waiting for a deputy to show up. They’ll probably arrive today sometime although I’m now dressed.
But, I digress… As always, I was as thankful as anyone for the rains. For me, it goes beyond making a dent in the drought that everyone in this area has had to endure for so long. I’m hoping the rain will cool off some of the hotheads around the state, like that dumbass state representative with the Captain Kangaroo haircut who threatened to douse himself in gasoline and set himself afire in the Supreme Court building across the street. He said the ONLY thing holding him back is that he is a Christian. Huh? Not sure what that has to do with it. I’m pretty certain Christianity over the centuries had its share of martyrs. Was it the price of gas maybe…no, that’s pretty low right now. Couldn’t find a match or Bic lighter perhaps? Eh well, who cares? Douse away dummy. I was reading through the Woodward News this morning while floating across the Olympic size puddle next to the compound. On page one, was an AP article “Tobacco Trust Fund Tops $1 Billion after Payment” . Hmmmmm, I thought, this I must read. So it turns out that Oklahoma’s Tobacco Settlement Endowment Trust Fund (a state controlled fund chaired by the State Treasurer) reached a milestone balance of $1.03 billion (yep, with a B) after the most recent payment of $76.9 million from the tobacco industry. 75% of the payment went to the trust fund with the remaining 25% going to “health care appropriations” conceived by the crooks in the state legislature and the state attorney general’s evidence fund. WTF? Evidence fund? What has that to do with a tobacco trust fund, the “work” of which is supposed to go toward fighting cancer and helping those with tobacco addictions. Does anyone else here smell a rancid tobacco-stuffed rat? To paraphrase and misquote P. J. O’Rourke…”Giving money and power to state government is like giving whiskey and car keys to a sixteen year old boy.” I would really like to know how that billion dollars is actually being spent…particularly the millions being deposited with our loopy Oklahoma AG. Evidence fund? I can’t get past that. What the hell is an evidence fund and why does it need that much money? Is anybody in this state paying attention? Oooooh, maybe it’s so they can prosecute camera heads like the guy in Oklahoma City that I read about over the weekend who punched his blind neighbor to steal a cigarette. How badly does that guy need nicotine? Okay, so how would the Oklahoma Attorney General use an evidence fund to go after hairballs like this? Hmmmmm…I’ll bet the AG and his gang of well-intentioned thugs will hold an off-site in Vegas to discuss their plan for dealing with this case. Or maybe they use the evidence fund to create evidence where it otherwise doesn’t exist? Seriously, what the hell is this about? So the entire article about the tobacco trust fund is a lot of crowing about how much $$$ they have and almost nothing about how it’s being spent. This is just wrong. Over the past ten years, I’ve buried three relatives who were all dedicated smokers. In my lifetime, I’ve personally known many more. Maybe the state should do something to prevent people from starting smoking instead of enriching the AG’s evidence fund. Just a thought. Hey, let me tell you something, I’m as paranoid as the next guy (like the guy sitting in the black sedan just a quarter mile down the road from the compound). I have proficient fluency with conspiracy theorist speak.
Just in case, you’ve not been paying attention, Wal-Mart recently closed five stores around the country and laid off 2,200 employees. The official reason for the closings was “plumbing problems”…hmmmm. This first came to the attention of CCB via a Tulsa World report that only offered a two-paragraph teaser unless you paid for a subscription. I’ll bet the Tulsa World is in cahoots with Wal-Mart. CCB launched its own investigation to get to the bottom of what’s really going on with the Wal-Mart closures. After some serious and dedicated research, we came upon a story on the Business Insider web site that shed a bit more light on the grand plan being perpetrated by Wal-Mart and the U.S. GOVERNMENT. Apparently, no one from Wal-Mart has filed for building permits to make renovations to the stores’ plumbing. Not so much as a permit to plunge a toilet! What does that tell you? Also, we have subject matter experts in the field of plumbing on staff at CCB – the wife is always trying to force something down the pipes here at the compound. The CCB SMEs tell me there isn’t a plumbing job in the world that would take six months to complete. The closed stores are located in: Pico Rivera, California; Brandon, Florida; Midland, Texas; Livingston, Texas (you know what happened there last year, don’t you?); and, Tulsa, OKLAHOMA. WTF…Oklahoma? We’re up to our eyeballs in the U.S. Government’s secret plot to imprison all of us? What imprison...what secret plot, you ask? Ohhhh, read on Brothers and Sisters, read on – but first check out your front window to make certain a horde of heavily armed jack-booted thugs aren’t stealthily creeping across your front lawn to prevent you from learning the truth! News was leaked from the Pentagon a couple of weeks ago about a supposed special forces “exercise” taking place this summer in which the U.S. constitution will be suspended and martial law will be declared. Oh sure, the Washington Post tells us not to worry about Jade Helm 15, the working name for the “exercise”, but that only makes me more paranoid (would you trust the Washington Post?). So according to the theory, Jade Helm 15 will round up Americans and use the empty Wal-Marts as processing centers. I’ve even seen snippets on the Internet that say the military is burrowing tunnels to connect the Wal-Marts and that they will confine people to those tunnels (did you ever see the 50’s sci-fi flick, “The Mole People”?). Think that tunneling technology doesn’t exist? Think again, people! Hell, maybe that’s the source of all the earthquakes in Oklahoma…the tunnels being dug from the Tulsa Wal-Mart to Wal-Marts in Texas and California. The oil and gas sector is off the hook! That’ll make the morons on Lincoln Avenue happy (they can spend their charitable donations from their “benefactors” in oil/gas). Oh, and I’m sure Harold Hamm (the King of Frack You!) will get a good night’s sleep. But, I digress… You’re probably saying to yourself, “But, Robin, all of this is known…we already read about it on the Internet a week ago. Everybody knows this stuff.” Uh huh, BUT the piece you’re missing is what we at CCB uncovered during our own in-depth, stone-turning investigation. During a late night in-depth analysis session – okay, actually we were passing around a bottle of Mezcal to see who could get to the worm first (spoiler alert: it was Guido, the CCB Italian translator and former Carabinieri who got the worm – he’s a savage when it comes to Mezcal!). That’s when it hit me! I began drawing lines to connect the various points on a map that marked the locations of the closed Wal-Marts. Then it all fell into place. I had drawn the perfect outline of a Phillips flat-head #10 wood screw…get it? As a subject matter expert on bugging out, my recommendation is to go south on I-35. Be sure to give an Oklahoma howdy to Mike Morgan (aka, Happy Hands) if you see him on the road. Me? I'm headed to Kansas. I wouldn’t normally burden my faithful blog readers (which, as of today total zero) with this sort of crap, but something happened to me in the early 80’s that jumped back out in front of me almost two years ago AND jumped back out in front of me again today.
Think of this as a study in how seemingly random events in someone’s life (in this case, my life) can tie to something much larger. So let’s start with what happened nearly two years ago…April of 2013 to be precise. I’m minding my own business perusing a local news site online when I came across a link to an article entitled, “Cold Case Arrest Prompts Cross Country Probe”. There is a photo of the guy LAPD had arrested next to the link. Something about the photo flipped a switch in my brain so I clicked the link to read the story. The story was about a 74 year old named Samuel Little who was arrested in a Kentucky homeless shelter and was being charged in California for the murder of three women in the late 1980’s. The article detailed things about the guy’s life over the course of 56 years. In all that time, he only spent 10 years in prison for stuff like shoplifting, armed robbery and rape. He had been suspected of and tried for murder twice, but there was never enough evidence to convict. This time, they had DNA evidence. The article also mentioned that while he had been living in California he had driven a beat-up station wagon with the fake wood paneling down the sides (remember those jewels?). It also said that he had used the alias, George McDowell. That did it for me. The guy I knew was driving a station wagon like, but called himself George McDaniel. Too close for a mere coincidence. The reason for publishing the article nationwide was there was now a large law enforcement task trying to pin more unsolved killings on this guy and they were looking for anyone who could shed some light on Little’s movements. States involved included California, Florida, Kentucky, Missouri, Louisiana, Texas, Georgia, Mississippi, and Ohio. So now, let’s step back in time a bit to around 1984 (the exact date is a bit unclear to me…hey, those years all run together). I had just come home from work while living in San Diego. I always parked my Chevy pickup on the street out in the front of the condo. As I was going into the door, I heard a loud screech of tires and turned to see a car hit the left rear corner of my truck, swerve off across the street, jump the curb of a vacant lot, and do a complete 360 in the lot before coming to a stop. I went out to see the damage to the truck. The guy saw me and got out of the car (the beat up station wagon with the fake wood panels down the side). In the meantime, a neighbor came out and told me he called police. The driver reeked of alcohol though he wasn't stumbling around or anything. I could see there was a young woman still sitting in his car. He shook my hand and identified himself as George McDaniel. He apologized for causing me trouble and told me that his daughter (who is still in the car) said something to him that distracted him and he veered into my vehicle. He assured me he had insurance. When he heard that the neighbor had called police, the guy started getting really nervous and crosses the street to his car. He said he wanted to check on his daughter though he got back in on the driver side. We could hear him trying to start it when the police arrived. One cop gets the guy out of the car and is talking to him. The other cop goes over the passenger side and is trying to get the girl out, but she refuses. He saw that she was injured and called for paramedics. By now another patrol car shows up and the cop driving that car came over to talk to me. Soon thereafter the paramedics and were trying to coax the girl out of the car so they could treat her though she still refuses. The original article mentioned that he had been a professional boxer in his younger days and it certainly fit. This was a big man; I would have made him as a heavy weight. The police conducted a sobriety test on the guy, which he failed. One of the cops pulled out handcuffs and the guy resisted...it took both of those officers to take him down and cuff him. The girl refused treatment so the paramedics left. The police put the girl in the back seat of the other police car. One of the cops came over and gave me an accident report so I could file with my insurance company. I mentioned to him that the guy said he had insurance. That’s when I learned that he didn’t have insurance. In fact, he didn't even have a valid driver’s license. Then the cop tells me that they recognized the "daughter" as a known prostitute. The cop said the guy admitted they were fooling around as they were coming down my street and that he just veered into my pickup. Okay, hopefully you’re still with me here. Let’s jump to today. For some reason I was thinking about all of this stuff and Googled the guy. Turns out, he was convicted in September 2014 and sentenced to three consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole. His attorney indicated that they would appeal (insert attorney joke/insult here). Who knows, if they’re able to finally pin other cold cases from other states on him maybe they’ll just heap on more time. I guess it just goes to show how weird life can be sometimes. How random acts may not be so random after all. It’s been just glorious here at the compound with all the rain we’ve received over the past few days. The rainfall, combined with relatively cool temps, has transformed this ground into something of an oasis. In fact, I stocked the big puddle next to the house with trout yesterday. I took my favorite fish-pointing dog, Sooner, out with me this morning for a bit of fly-fishing. Fresh trout is good eatin’ around here. The wife doesn’t like the trout’s head still on with an eyeball staring at her, but I’ve learned to take care of that.
As I was working my brand new Sage VXP fly rod with the wind at my back this morning, I kept thinking about yesterday’s CCB post regarding the dire fiscal dilemma the Oklahoma GOP finds itself in and realized that my post hadn’t really offered a solution. As our dedicated followers (all none of you) well know, I’m a problem solver…particularly when it comes to helping out the Oklahoma GOP. So, I decided to utilize some of our vast resources here at CCB and put our analysts work on finding a viable solution. The analysts came across a couple of articles that may provide some insight. First up, was a story from the NewsOK web site about Willie Nelson the legendary American icon who has never rolled a joint that he didn’t light. Willie, it seems, is in the research and development stage of a rolling out (pun intended) his own brand of marijuana cigarettes. Tentatively called “Willie’s Reserve”, the brand will be grown and sold in Washington and Colorado, the two states that currently allow recreational marijuana use. Oregon, Alaska, and the District of Columbia have removed legal restrictions on pot use and will likely vote on legalization soon. I know you’re all scratching your head and thinking, “But, Robin, how does Willie Nelson’s entrepreneurial promotion of pot-ag aid the Oklahoma GOP when you know full well that the Oklahoma Republican Party (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “We know what’s best for you!”) will do everything it can to keep the devil weed out of the hands of its tax-paying, hard-working constituents?” You are asking that, right? It’s simple. First of all, the state itself will reap mucho tax revenues from the controlled sale of marijuana, which is never a bad thing. Increased tax revenues allow the Republican-controlled state to push more of their agenda, which the party-faithful will certainly delight in. If the GOP appears to be 420-friendly (see how hip I am?), more Oklahomans are likely to gravitate toward the Republican Party and become Minute Man donators or even Elephant Club members, thus raising the party’s favorable exposure in the state and adding to their booty…booty of cash, that is. I know, I know. Now you’re saying, “But, Robin, we can’t even get the Republican controlled legislature to allow the sale of wine or high-point beer (aka, real beer) in grocery stores. Do you think they would actually pass legislation to legalize recreational marijuana?” Do I have to do everything for you people? It’s time to rise up and take control of the state legislature. Replace that bunch of bat-shit crazies on Lincoln Avenue with people like me (by the way, I don’t want the job)! Stand up and be counted! Ummm…if by chance you’re headed to Kansas on a beer run, could you please get me a case of Stella Artois? The other suggestion we at CCB have for improving the cigar-box-petty-cash slush fund of the Oklahoma GOP (and they’re really going to hate this one) comes from yet another article found on the NewsOK web site (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “We’re soooo past the Gaylords”) that indicated that undocumented immigrants here in Oklahoma pay about $76 million in state and local taxes…$76 MILLION…that’s not pocket change! I realize that Republicans getting friendly with undocumented immigrants is even more unlikely than Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin hosting an It’s-420-Somewhere-In-The-World party at the Governor’s Mansion. Still, maybe, just maybe if the party rhetoric regarding undocumented workers was just a bit less vitriolic perhaps the GOP would have more card-carrying Republicans contributing to the Ten Commandments Everywhere Fund. Just sayin’. Our disbarred and disgraced former attorney spokesperson insisted on publishing the following disclaimer: We at CCB do not condone the use of dogs to point trout in rain puddles. We also do not condone nor recommend the playing of Willie Nelson tunes while changing the tires on your rider lawnmower. Further, CCB feels that Belgian lager is overrated and would never ask anyone to drive some back from Kansas…even though it's cheaper there, you know. Quick…don’t think about it…just do it. Cash out your children’s college funds and your 401k, sell your Franklin Mint Elvis Commemorative Plates, consider robbing convenience stores (just not naked)…anything that can be done to raise cash. The Oklahoma Republican Party is broke…the coffers are empty…the cash cow has gone dry…the GOP in Oklahoma is in debt for goodness sake! We’re all gonna die! Hillary Clinton will own this state! O’ the humanities!
Uh…wait a sec…what? NewsOK.com ran an article on their web site last Friday, the headline of which read, Oklahoma GOP Chairman Says Party Has Run Out of Money. Wow, really? Like the fish that I am, I was hooked and read on. Apparently, the new chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party sent out a fundraising email to Republican faithful that stated, among other things: · The state GOP is “upside down on the balance sheet” (sounds like kinky accounting fun). · The chairman had to lay off seven paid staff members (This is a particularly troublesome claim to make – how many paid staff remain? What was the level of the workers targeted in the lay off?). · He indicated he is working without a salary (how will he eat?). · He is depending upon help from volunteers (probably the poor slobs he laid off). The chairman declined repeated requests for clarification from The Oklahoman as to finance specifics. A Federal Elections Commission report for the period ending February 28th showed the state party to be $10,545 in debt. That’s it? Hell, that’s less than the average American carries in credit card debt. That’s when it hit me. This is all about the fundraising. It seems to be a newish trend among pols…whip everyone into a frenzy with Chicken Little predictions of dire consequences. For instance, I get daily fundraising emails from Rand Paul. My favorite was the email I received just after he officially announced he is running for President in 2016. The email stated (and I am paraphrasing here) something along the lines of, “Dear Robin. I did what you told me to do and announced my candidacy for President. Please do your part and send me funds so that we may together take back this country.” Uh huh. First of all, I have ZERO idea how I wound up on Rand Paul’s email list (probably one of my “friends” added me), so I certainly did not tell him to announce his candidacy. Also, I don’t think I want to do anything together with Dr. Paul…frankly, I think he’s a bit flakey. What followed and continues to follow are daily emails from the Rand Paul campaign that are becoming increasingly menacing in tone. Stuff like (again, I’m paraphrasing here), “Dear Robin, Why are you ignoring my pleas for help? I can’t do it without you.” Now, I’m even getting personal emails from someone on the campaign with stuff like (paraphrasing), “Dear Robin, Rand Paul asked for your help, but we’ve heard nothing from you. Are you okay?” I’ve finally convinced my SPAM filter that Rand Paul is nothing I want to see in my in-box. But, I digress…back to the Oklahoma GOP. The chairman is asking the Republican faithful to join the Minute Man Club (costs $8.25/month)…or if you’re really into bailing him out you can join the Elephant Club for a mere $5,000. I’m telling you, this guy has torn a page from the Oral Roberts manual of fundraising. The really interesting part of the article is that the former GOP chairman is disputing the claim that the party is in serious financial trouble. Hmmmm…wonder if anybody checked those sacks that the former chairman carried out the door on his last day? Hahaha – just kidding. The GOP even has state Democrats scratching their head. They point out that Republicans control the state’s congressional delegation, both chambers of the dysfunctional state legislature and most statewide offices. With that much reach and influence, how is it that the Republicans can’t maintain a solid cash flow, they ask? How indeed. It’s all about the fundraising, I guess. Our disbarred and disgraced attorney insisted that we add the following disclaimer: CCB does not actually encourage anyone to empty their child’s college fund or 401K account. Further, CCB does not condone or encourage anyone to rob convenience stores (naked or otherwise). Lastly, hang onto your Elvis Commemorative Plates from Franklin Mint. We at CCB are beginning to notice a rather frightening trend wherein the females of our species appear to be doing their best to eliminate the males of our species. It’s as though they’re adapting from the practices of praying mantises (mantisi?), wherein the female mantis bites off the head of the male mantis once the lovin’ (read as breeding) is over. I offer as evidence the CCB post of March 31st, in which a woman in Ohio attempted to stab her partner in the groin for eating all the salsa in the house.
The CCB Institute for the Study of Female Histrionics (CCBIFTSOFH) has undertaken a study of this disturbing behavior and will publish a comprehensive publication of its findings. We at CCB are committed to getting to the bottom (pun intended) of this and will provide you, our dedicated followers (all none of you), with updates as they become available. CCBIFTSOFH has deployed a team of scientists to Japan to follow up on a story we found on the Huffington Post web site this morning. We at CCB warn readers that what follows is not pretty. In fact, you could say it’s a real shitty situation (nyuk, nyuk). It seems that on the afternoon of April 12th, in Otaku, Japan, a husband allegedly went to the bathroom and left behind an allegedly intolerable bad odor. And now, the man’s alleged wife is allegedly facing attempted murder charges. What, you say? Shouldn’t Stinky Pete (the alleged culprit) be facing attempted murder charges (What? You never heard of silent, but deadly?)? It seems that the aftermath of Stinky Pete’s poo party (SPPP) was so horrendous as to put his household in a state of near mayhem to the point that the couple’s three year old son, who needed to use the facilities, was put off completely. Stinky Pete probably upset and embarrassed that so much was being made of his signature eau de toilet (sic) that he grabbed his son and physically put him on the toilet WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS…now, there’s a crime against humanity! And while I’m on the subject of pigs who don’t wash after making doody, let me address the hordes of you who sit on the toilet and text while performing a bowel movement (scientific term). THAT is without a doubt as disgusting if not more so than not thoroughly washing your hands afterwards! I only wish I could send a text to the person that they’re texting and say something like, “Oh, you know…Kevin was sending you that text about how he can’t wait to get his hands all over you…that was just before he wiped his ass! P.S., he just left the men’s room without washing his hands.” I suspect the texting windfalls for service providers in this country would abruptly end. But I digress… So apparently Stinky Pete grabbing the kid and trying to restore some semblance of order to his household was too much for Mrs. Pete who grabbed a knife and attacked her odor-proliferating noxious gas ridden husband. This left said stinker with a 7-inch gash to the left side of his face. Mrs. Pete denies actually trying to kill her husband. Hmmmm…guess she just wants him to wash his hands and maybe use the toilet at the gas station down the street from now on. So there it is, Case #2 for our intrepid CCBIFTSOFH team to investigate, analyze, and give the ol’ sniff test. I Blame a Senator From Mississippi and the Veterans Administration for How My Life Turned Out!4/15/2015
I noted this morning that Woodward News (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “Yeah, we have news, but you have to pay for it”) on page 2A ran a piece that previews the Friday film and panel offerings at this year’s inaugural Twister Alley Film Festival. Why they didn’t include the Saturday films is beyond us, guess they’re waiting to surprise us tomorrow (note to Woodward News – we at CCB are watching). By the way, congratulations to Woodward News for spelling one of the “A-list Stars” name correctly…finally.
So the film fest kicks off this Thursday night (4/23) with a BBQ and reception at Centennial Park that will include actors, producers, and filmmakers. For a mere $12 you get the Thursday BBQ plus admission to every film shown over the weekend. It’s a bargain, I’m telling you. Please support this event…it’s a great idea and will be very good for Woodward. Tickets are available at www.twisteralleyfilmfestival.com . When CCB first posted about the festival a few weeks ago, I made a commitment (to be committed) to produce a film that could be shown at next year’s festival. After reading through the slate of indie cinematic masterpieces on tap for Friday, I soon realized that I would have to step up my game. There are some decent films being shown. I’m thinking a horror/fantasy film involving the lesser prairie-chicken won’t make the cut. I did note that the “Midnight Feature Presentation” (note to self, starts at midnight…take a nap) is a mockumentary entitled, “Quad-X: Rise of the Beaver Slayer”. Lest you think this a film about a bunch of hillbillies blowing up beaver dams so the creek doesn’t back up and flood their duck blinds…no sir. The blurb in the article reads, “Quad-X is a spoof of the billion dollar adult film industry.” Huh? In Woodward, OK? Do the Baptists know about this yet? The trailer for Quad-X is viewable on YouTube here. Oh…okay…so it’s a comedy…sort of…I think. After watching the trailer this morning, I was reminded of my own near miss with the adult film industry. When my first four-year enlistment in the Navy was done, I actually considered attending classes at a school in Hollywood that prepared “actors” for adult films. I was fifty pounds lighter and had hair – on my head, no less! And, believe it or not, at the time you could use your G.I. Bill education benefits to pay for it! I couldn’t make that up! I even had a stage name. Was going to call myself “The Long Ranger”…figured that way I could get away with wearing a mask so my Grandmother wouldn’t know it was me. Clever, eh? Only problem was the Veterans Administration was coming under fire for some of the “education” they were funding. Some Mississippi senator made them change the rules as to what qualified as a course of education for our nation’s veterans. Rat bastard. So that didn’t work out for me…instead, I got married…the first time…come to think of it, that didn’t work out so well either. But, I digress… The point here is that I’m going to have to come up with something pretty darned special if I expect my film to be shown at next year’s festival. If you have any ideas, please send them to [email protected] . In the meantime, I plan to attend the meet/greet on Thursday night. Perhaps I can find a real producer to produce my film…that doesn’t actually exist…nope, not so much as a seed of an idea. See you in the movies! It’s no secret to those who have known me for any length of time that I’m a huge fan of The Beatles’ music. I think the first 45rpm record I bought AND the first song I learned to play on guitar was “Get Back.” I sat with my Dad in the living room eating dinner off of TV trays and watching The Beatles concert at Shea Stadium…Dad commenting that they were his age and shaking his head.
The Beatles steered music in a direction in the 1960’s that it might not otherwise have found. They stretched the boundaries of what was popular at the time and crossed deep into “that won’t sell” territory. As a band, they were four separate personalities contributing individual elements to the sound; such that if you were to remove one element, it wouldn’t be the same. Beyond the entire music catalog of The Beatles, the volume of their individual work as solo artists spans far beyond what they did collectively as a group. I was one of two people I knew in Woodward that was crowing about Paul McCartney’s first solo effort “McCartney”, an album that displayed a genuine touch of genius (hell, I still play it). Other albums of his that I never tire of listening to include “Ram”, “Band on the Run”, and “Flowers in the Dirt.” For John Lennon, it was the “Imagine” album that my parents bought me as a Christmas gift in ’71. I bought every release of John’s music after that…I was hooked. George Harrison’s “All Things Must Pass” and the “Living in the Material World” will stand forever. “Cloud Nine” (someone finally taught him to not sing through his nose) is another great one. So, it was no surprise that The Beatles were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame years ago, soon followed by three former Beatles being inducted for solo work…John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and George Harrison. I have some questionable degrees of separation from all of The Beatles, but for the three I just mentioned, here it is: · John Lennon – I worked with a guy in the Navy who was from Oklahoma City. His sister worked for a concert promoter there in the mid-70’s. John Lennon flew into OKC to hear a band he was considering backing (sorry, don’t recall the band’s name). The sister met John at Will Rogers and drove him around town that day. · George Harrison – I was living in San Diego at the time. There was a Guitar Center over near the old sports arena. I heard that the store had taken in a Fender Telecaster that George had used on tour. I drove like a fiend to get there. Of course, they wanted a king’s ransom for the guitar so I passed, but I was close to the guitar anyway. · Paul McCartney – I lived in London for a couple of years back in the 80’s in an area known as Swiss Cottage. My flat was less than a quarter mile from the legendary Abbey Road Studio. I took the Tube (Brit for subway) to work every morning. There was one morning though that the Swiss Cottage Tube was closed, which was very unusual. Turns out Paul McCartney was down there shooting the video for his song, “Press.” If I had been just a few minutes earlier, I could have been bragging that I was in a PM video. It was something of a surprise that Ringo Starr, the drummer, had not been inducted despite a very successful solo career post-Beatles. If you’ve never listened to Ringo’s “Goodnight Vienna” album, it’s definitely worth the time. Would also recommend “Ringo”, “Ringo 2012” and the initial solo release (not to mention often overlooked), “Beaucoups of Blues.” In fact, Ray Wylie Hubbard covered one of the tunes from Beaucoups - “Coochy Coochy.” I was reading the Woodward News this morning and wondering how I was going to turn the story about the County Commission delaying the purchase of two wheel loaders until Commissioner Tommy Roedell can inspect them into a CCB post. Then on the next page I found an AP story about Ringo Starr being inducted into the Hall of Fame as a solo artist. I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve always been a fan of Ringo’s solo work, particularly the stuff he did in the 70’s. He was producing great tunes then and still is today. Give him a listen. Oh, my questionable degrees of separation from Ringo? · My friend, Jose, was at Disneyland in California in the early to mid-80’s. He was sitting on a bench when, as he put it, an ordinary looking guy came over and sat down next to him. He said the guy was really mad because he couldn’t find the people he had come in with. He asked Jose if he had cigarette. As Jose handed him the cigarette, he got a good look at the guy and realized it was Ringo. Ringo soon departed in search of his people. Okay, so much for my Beatles war stories. Congratulations to Ringo…rock on, Brother! By the way, it just occurred to me that I’m probably the first (and likely the only) blogger in history to have tied Tommy Roedell and The Beatles together in a posting. Rock on, Tommy! Had a great weekend here at the compound. Cousin Fred from western Arkansas visited. He was promoting his latest “business” venture…this is a monthly event where I receive a phone call or a visit from Fred with some new idea. This month Cousin Fred is looking for investors for a worm ranch. Yep, worms as in bait. I asked him to leave a prospectus on the table and I’d get back to him. Actually, worm ranching is a better idea than last month’s visit in which he wanted me to help him sell a shipload of women’s lace panties out of the back of my SUV. Probably should have set up at the Woodward Expo last month with the guy selling miniskirts from Indonesia.
Over the weekend, I came across an article on the NewsOK.com web site with the title, “Oklahoma City Couple Arrested in Front-yard Sex Romp”. How’s that for baiting a reader to click a link? I resisted…for all of about two seconds. I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed after reading the altogether too brief article, but then that’s what journalistic baiting is all about. Picture if you will an early evening scene in Northwest Oklahoma City. It’s Tuesday, it’s 6:30p.m. You’re sitting down to a dinner of Italian-style meatloaf with green beans and salad. Your fork slices easily through the meatloaf. You spear it and ponder exactly what it is that makes this meatloaf Italian-style when you glance out the window to your left. There…across the street…that oddball couple who moved in a couple of months ago. They’re on the front lawn humping one another like your now-dead Chihuahua, Pickles, used to do to your crazy Uncle Clyde’s leg whenever he visited from Slapout. The next thing you know, OKC PD is pulling up in front of the house with lights flashing, Tasers drawn, and handcuffs glinting in the setting sun. You take your plate of food out to the front porch so as not to miss any of the action…hey, this sort of thing may happen all the time in Tulsa, but in OKC, it’s quality entertainment. According to the article on OKNews.com, our alleged sex rompers were arrested for being drunk and indecent in public. The call that came into police said there were two people having sex in the front yard of their house near the intersection of NW16th and N May Avenue. The police report indicated that the couple, Kenneth Dale Watson II (I’ll bet Kenneth Dale Watson I is proud of his boy) and Petra Dawn Stephens were clothed, but that Watson was on top of Stephens and “they were grinding their hips together.” Huh…seems to me that if you’re going to do the nasty in view of the public (by the way that intersection is fairly busy with traffic) you should at least go “full Monty” and really give the public a show. Both had red, watery eyes and slurred speech that made it difficult for the police to understand what they were saying. It should be noted here that the alleged intersection where this alleged incident took place is very near the May Avenue Liquor Store. Ah ha! Now we know the source of their drunken wanton lust. Probably loading up on the Mezcal and seeing who could empty the bottle first to get the worm (trust me…been there, done that)! Drink enough Mezcal and anyone would forget to take their clothes off before bumping uglies on the front yard. On the way to jail, the couple argued and then apologized to one another for getting drunk and getting the other arrested. That was it. No insights as to what prompted the spontaneous humpage on the front lawn. Or, why they kept their clothes on (the ultimate in safe sex, I reckon). No hints as to the brand of Mezcal they were consuming. Frankly, the article left me feeling like a teenage boy humping his parents’ ottoman…titillating, but not altogether satisfying. But, I digress… So let’s review what we’ve learned and how we can improve from this experience: · Mezcal makes you crazy (hint, it’s probably the worm). Probably best not to live within walking distance of any liquor stores. · Maybe Cousin Fred should look into Mezcal worm ranching. · Once the Mezcal takes hold; zippers, snaps and buttons are too much to deal with. Wear clothing with Velcro openings. · Even if you aren’t naked, OKC PD views spontaneous humping as a heinous crime and will arrest your clothed ass. You could try telling the cops that what you’re doing is part of a personal religious rite. Get really indignant and start yelling that your religious freedoms as guaranteed by the United States Constitution are being infringed upon by fascist law enforcement. After you regain consciousness from the Taser zapage, you can cross this idea of the list. · Did I mention that Mezcal makes you crazy? · Stay the hell out of Oklahoma City. |
Archives
March 2019
Categories |
RSS Feed