You know, of all the stuff I’ve done in my life…we’re talking job-wise today, by the way…the other stuff I’ll reveal some other time.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes…of all the stuff I’ve done in my life, so far (don’t want to jinx myself here). Let’s try again…of all the stuff I’ve done in my life, so far, I’m pleased to say being a sworn law enforcement officer is not among alleged stuff. Seriously, I wouldn’t want the job. It’s bad enough living life day to day with the people I come across. I can’t imagine having to deal with dummies, liars, and freaks 24 hours a day. As you probably know from reading this pathetic blog, I don’t suffer dummies lightly. If I were a cop, I’m afraid I’d roll up on a call in the middle of the night only to find some naked idiot (let’s say, Cousin Fred) in a water fountain in some random park in January (no, the fountain isn’t frozen, this is Florida) playing with a bunch of model ships. He announces he’s Helmut Kraus (note: alias sometimes used by Cousin Fred), German U-boat Commander. Herr Kapitän Kraus further announces that he is an official re-enactor officially re-enacting the Shipping Wars in the North Atlantic during WWII…not that wein-bag reality TV show where truck drivers compete to haul loads of elephant dung from Florida to Arizona. So there I am…it’s dark, it’s Florida. I have a badge. I’m listening to this nonsense and trying to remember if my Taser is fully charged. Then, Kraus (not his actual name) begins singing “Deutschland, Deutschland” in a soprano range that would make him the envy of any female singer with the New York Opera. But, this isn’t New York, sweetheart. It’s Naples, Florida and you’re my problem. Lights are going on, people are waking up from the caterwauling. What do I do? I loudly declare, “breach of security” and begin wailing on said U-boat Commander re-enactor’s head with my nightstick. For days, all the important news outlets run the body cam footage of the singing and me declaring “breach of security” before wailing on his head. CNN would televise analyst after analyst presenting both sides, “Well, the poor fellow was just re-enacting…What’s the harm?” followed by “He’s a cop. What else is he supposed to do? He declared a breach of security! What if the re-enactor wound up in someone’s bath tub with his so-called re-enacting? Huh? What would you do then? What if it was your 80 year old mother’s bath? There’s a lot of those in Naples you know (80 year old mothers, that is).” Fox News would ask how a German U-boat commander got into this country in the first place and spend the next several hours debating why I used a nightstick rather than a gun to pistol whip the dude. They would show footage of The Trump saying that if we make him king, he will put up a wall across the Atlantic to keep German U-boat Commanders out of America! The bozos on MSNBC would sip their coffee from official MSNBC coffee cups and try to remember if they were supposed to be conservative or liberal that day. The K101 morning show in Cosmic City would ponder whether the official re-enactor is related to the Kraus’ over in Shattuck. They would get “Farm Boy” to head to Shattuck to investigate. This is why I’m not a cop and never will be. But then…I suppose there are times when in the normal course of duty for a police officer, you find yourself in a circumstance where you now have stories you’ll be able to tell for years. (From Fox13 News) Take for instance, a Florida Highway Patrolman working around Naples, Florida (coincidence? I don’t think so!) who receives a call about a vehicle driving recklessly on a freeway. FHP guy is in hot pursuit of said vehicle which is reaching speeds of 110 mph (kids, don’t try this at home). FHP guy gets the car pulled over. Inside the vehicle is a shirtless male, three females, and an open 12-pack of Corona (sounds like a typical Saturday night at the Compound…I knew that oval driveway would come in handy someday!). FHP guy instructs driver to exit the automobile. Alleged driver exits said vehicle at which point FHP guy notices alleged driver is naked. Alleged driver is booked for DUI and driving without a license (hahahaha, no license…probably could never get one because he kept showing up for the driving portion of the test naked!) He’s out on a $6,000 bond and reportedly partying hard (pun intended)! There was no mention in the report of whether the women were clothed…or how many beers were consumed…none of the really important details. Just, blah, blah, blah…FHP guy doing his duty…blah blah blah…out on bond. By the way, just in case you’re actual law enforcement reading this and you’re hearing the theme from “Dragnet” playing over and over in your head, I live on the EASTERN edge of Woodward County. Go get a donut and fuhgetaboutit! Comments are closed.
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