If you’re anything like me (and hopefully you aren’t) and have been losing sleep playing the home version (available for download on xbox and iWhatever) of the “Where’s Vladimir Putin?” game, you finally can rest. I saw in yesterday’s (3/17) edition of Woodward News (whose motto translated from Latin is, “What? News?”) a small two paragraph piece announcing that after a ten-day absence, President Putin (aka, PrezP) has resurfaced seemingly unscathed by disease, coup, and/or yet more breaking news about Bruce Jenner.
While I’m certain there was a collective sigh of relief worldwide that the rumors of critical illness or a coup d’état, were, well…apparently so much hyperbole, it begs the question as to what was going on and where he was for ten days. What follows are my best five Speculations (my term for I’m making crap up as I go) as to what the Russian leader was up to for ten days: 1. He was shirtless with a multi-colored tail hanging behind him attending a local BronyCon (for those of you who are less of a cultural hipster than I, Google it). I’m sure he’d come off as a very macho Brony…probably using the alias Diamond Walnut (think about it…turn it over in your head a few times…it’ll come to you). 2. He and a highly trained army of civil engineers were poring over plans to build a toll-bridge across the Bering Strait, thus joining our two nations. This would allow him to have brunch with the Palins on weekends (“I can see Vlad from my porch!”) and provide a quiet method for getting Edward Snowden back home (rumor has it that the room service bills are getting completely out of hand). 3. He was binge watching concert footage of 1970s Elvis, trying to learn some new judo moves. ломоть горящей любви, Baby! (loses something in the translation ha ha ha). 4. Upset that Obama (via NSA) got to listen in on Angela Merkel’s private phone calls and he didn’t, Putin worked his best technical team night and day for ten days to figure out how NSA pulled it off. Bet he employed Snowden’s expertise in the effort (see Speculation #2 above). 5. He was busy shearing pigs…(look it up. Hint: see Speculation #2) Okay, I’ll admit it…truthfully, I couldn’t have cared less where he was or what he was doing. Yes, I know an overthrow of the government there by the military could have dire repercussions for the world as would the sudden leadership (read as power) vacuum caused if he had taken ill and croaked. The guy bears watching…that’s all I’m saying (pun intended). Comments are closed.
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