![]() Happy Monday…I’m happy to be here and proud to serve…which reminds me, it’s Memorial Day. Be sure to attend any one of several observations done by the VFW or American Legion where you live. Although I’m a dues-paying member of the VFW, I’m ashamed to tell you that I have yet to attend a meeting. It’s tough to do that, what with the weekly meetings of the Pathetic Order of the Jackrabbit – Original Charter (P.O.J.O.C.) being on the same night. Actually, the P.O.J.O.C. meetings are really nothing more than an excuse to sit around a table playing cards, telling lies and drinking in the winter and sitting around the ol’ chimenia, telling lies and drinking every other season. Besides, attending meetings at the VFW means I have to make another trip into Cosmic City where the police are handing out tickets to raise revenue for the city so they can buy more ticket writing books…it’s a vicious cycle, people! And speaking of vicious cycles…okay, not so much. I really need to work on my segues. Of all the things there are to worry about living in this great state – and there’s a lot of them…wild-eyed bat-shit crazy legislators, cranky inept governors, an ODOT that seems bent on paving over farmland (“Let them eat gravel!”)…oh, and then there’s the tornadoes, freak hail storms, rabid skunks, and horny badgers…the worst and I MEAN the worst is the old snake-in-the-toilet worry. When I moved The Wife out here from the east coast, the first thing I told her…well, one of the first things after I asked to put out her filterless Pall-Mall while I was pumping gas at Jiffy Trip…was to always look in the toilet before you sit down. Think about it…you’re at your most vulnerable as you drop your behind down onto that seat. The last thing you want is to become a victim of the old snake-in-the-toilet worry. Apparently, they can come up through the septic system and people have found them curled inside the bowl. Oh my! Don’t believe it!? Well, KFOR in OKC recently broadcast a story about such an occurrence though this was in Thailand – Thailand the country, not Siam, OK (it’s right next to Lebanon, OK). So, anyway…our Hapless Thai in search of a little peace, sat upon his throne anticipating nothing bad happening. He is truly king of his domain. Here in Oklahoma, we would expect someone to check that we were in the correct bathroom to match the picture on the door and then hand us a bill for a Porcelain Facility Replacement Fee, the proceeds of which actually go to pay for Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin’s next cosmetic surgery…a necessary thing since the Oklahoma Attorney General has cut her off from his evidence fund. Besides, we need to keep her looking good so maybe The Trump will whisk her away and make her his VP. PLEASE! But, I digress…back to Hapless Thai. So, the poor guy sits down and suddenly finds a python attached to his penis. Great coogleymoogley! This is a dire circumstance brought on by an evil diabolical serpent, me thinks. So, rescuers arrive to find the snake’s head tied to the door of the bathroom with a piece of rope, the rest of it was still inside the toilet drain. Hapless Thai is, I’m sure, gripping his business and wondering why he can’t wake himself from this nightmare. He lost a lot of blood, but somehow will survive. The toilet had to be disassembled to safely remove the snake, authorities said. WTF?!!! Safely remove the snake? I’d have safely removed the snake (safe for me, anyway) by blasting the G-D toilet with a shotgun. It’s The Compounder’s way of dealing with things. One Thai official pointed out that the snake is non-venomous…like that would make a damn bit of difference! Repeat after me, all snakes must die! Die snakes, die! He went on to say that the snakes are not harmful, but if you come across them it’s best to leave them alone…WHAT?! One more time, all snakes must die! Die snakes, die! This is a public (pubic?) service message brought to you by the Cosmic City Blog. Remember, boys and girls (particularly boys), always look inside the toilet bowl before sitting down. The flesh you save may be your own…or words to that effect. Cousin Fred and I are headed to California later today. We decided to drive out there. So we’ll be back on the Stump with The Trump…ummm, what the hell rhymes with Hillary…or, Picking Dander with Sanders…no, that doesn’t work either. Eh well. Comments are closed.
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