Yesterday’s weather here at the CCB compound near the western edge of Woodward County was gorgeous. Light winds and warm temps – who could ask for more? As I gazed out across the vast expanse of lawn from my seat on the porch, I noticed that the recent rains are starting to green things up. It occurred to me then that it is definitely beginning to resemble springtime here in Northwest Oklahoma.
So I went inside to grab a jug of premixed margaritas, a bowl of fresh salsa, and a brand new bag of corn scoop chips. I had the first margarita of the spring yesterday afternoon while scooping salsa and counting clouds in the sky. Ahhh…seldom does life get any better. Always on the hunt for new material for the blog, I was perusing my tablet and came across an article on the Huffington Post web site that immediately grabbed my attention. It seems that a man in Akron, Ohio was stabbed by his alleged girlfriend because said man allegedly ate “all the salsa in the house.” According to the report, the girlfriend, in some sort of no-salsa rage, allegedly stabbed the boyfriend in the groin with a pen. Hmmm…yep that’s all it said. No indication of whether the pen actually penetrated flesh at the groin location or how deeply it did if in fact there was penetration. There’s no detail about the make of pen that the girlfriend used or whether the boyfriend was dressed at the time. Seems to me that most pens would not be sharp enough or rigid enough to penetrate jeans. The clinical definition of the groin is where the lower portion of the abdomen meets the top of the thigh. I’m betting she was aiming for something else and just missed. Now, as if all that isn’t bad enough, our alleged salsa thief decided to get even and walked over to the girlfriend’s TV and began threatening to throw it to the floor. I doubt seriously that he would actually have gone through with his threat given that most men engaged in serious salsa eating are also generally watching “Gilligan’s Island” marathons on TV. Again, the story fails to mention that he limped over to the TV with the pen protruding from his groin. Thus, I’m conjecturing the pen did not penetrate his clothing (see, that’s why you come to CCB…it’s our clear, concise analysis of seemingly random crap). But, wait…there’s more! So while Salsa Pig (not his real name) was threatening to dump the TV onto the floor, his girlfriend goes into the kitchen (probably told him she was gettin’ more salsa) where she grabbed a knife. She then proceeded to stab her salsa hogging boyfriend in the stomach with the knife. El Salsa (not his real name) began bleeding like a stuck pig (nyuk, nyuk) went over to the phone and dialed 911. At that point, Susie Stabber (not her real name) fled the scene in her car. Huh, bet she was going to buy more salsa (she’ll show him). The police arrived to find him on the ground outside covered in blood. He was transported to the hospital where his wounds were determined to be non-life threatening. Lizzie Borden (again, not her real name) was pulled over by police on the highway. She allegedly admitted to stabbing Redhot Chilipepper (again, not his real name). She claims she did it “because she wanted to leave.” Huh? That’s it? Couldn’t she simply grab her keys and leave? He likely wasn’t going to pursue since he had already consumed all the salsa and was otherwise fully engaged in the Gilligan marathon. The girlfriend was charged with felonious assault and criminal damaging. So, let’s see what we’ve learned from this episode: 1. Under no circumstances should any man eat ALL the friggin’ salsa in the house. Women need their salsa. 2. Never admit anything to the police. Seriously, deny everything. They HAVE to prove that you did it. 3. Stay the hell out of Ohio! Comments are closed.
|
Archives
March 2019
Categories |