Welcome to the Russian Federation of United States...Tour de Trump 2018 has ended (thank goodness)!

Happy happy Tuesday everybody! It was a rough day yesterday, but surely today will turn out better…right? Always with the optimism.

The Trump is back on American soil, thank goodness. He’s less likely to do damage to the U.S. here than he does abroad. I was going to post about a guy in Florida who is robbing souvenir stores of left nostril inhalers with the Florida state motto printed on the side, which roughly translated from the Latin is, “Someday we’ll drain the Gulf and build condos out there!” Said inhaler thief then hoards them in his tiny hovel in Lackadelish, Florida (home of the Fighting Cockroaches – they’ve never won a game). (RIP, George.)

But, The Trump has taken up so much of the news since late last week that I decided that I should really focus on that today. So, here’s the recap. Fortunately, we were able to embed Cousin Fred in the press contingent who got some great actual audio for us.

Let’s see…he flies to Brussels (great place to eat out…that’s about it) where he: insults our NATO allies; claims he got concessions from said insulted allies to pay more into the alliance (they say they never agreed to anything); bullied the NATO Secretary General into saying that he loves The Trump (okay, SecGen never actually said that, The Trump said it for him).

Next stop was Great Britain where The Trump kept trying to hold the Prime Minister’s hand: “Come on, Theresa, Trump wasn’t necessarily talking about you in Brussels. You stupid Brits are kind of paying your fair share. Don’t be so uppity-acting with Trump. Trump loves him some Brits! Look Melania is falling farther behind. I told her not to wear five-inch heels to walk across cobblestones, but does she listen to Trump? Hell no! So why don’t we sneak off to a private meeting, if you knowhutImean? You’re a little old for my taste, but you kind of have that GILF thing going on. Theresa? Theresa? Come back here and hold my hand Theresa. Melania, will you hurry up! You’re making me look foolish on the world stage!”

Oh, and while still in England he then tried his best to thug-block the Queen, but she physically moved him out of her way (phew…protocol faux pas avoided): The Trump was heard telling Her Royal Highness, “Eh, royals, schmoyals…the whole crown thing is so 1960s. Come on Granma, time to give it up and get a job! Seriously, I’ll walk in front of you for a while. By the way, you haven’t seen Crooked Hillary’s 30,000 emails around here have you?”

Next stop was Scotland for a visit to The Trump’s golf resort at Turdberry. Lots of protesters hanging around. Although he was there for golf, lots of golf, (how much golf?) too much golf, he was also there preparing for his tête-á-tête with his BFF Vlad the Poot: There The Trump was heard to say, “These people don’t like me? How can they not love Trump? I allow them to stand on a hillside outside of town and gaze down upon my beautiful golf resort and don’t charge them much for the privilege. What’s not to love about me? Trump bets they’re all disgruntled serfs or something! Stupid Scotch.” Unquote.

And, while in Scotland in an interview with CBS News (Carlton the Doorman interviewing), he stated that he views the EU as an adversary. Oh my.

Ah, and then on to the last stop of Tour de Trump 2018 (Helsinki) where he spends no less than two hours in private convo with Vlad the Poot. That was followed by a press conference that will likely live in infamy. Trump up there on stage in front of the world and what does he say? He says that his pal Vlad assured him that he had nothing to do with interfering in the 2016 elections and that’s good enough for The Trump, who kicks things further down the road by saying (essentially, if not literally) that he would believe Vlad the Poot before he would believe anything his own intelligence services told him.

Huh? Oh, and WTF?

The White House which is always so quick to tell us what that idiot really meant to say went silent. Members of his own party turned on him. Hell, even Fox News went on the attack. The rest of us are left with a sense of “what was he thinking?”

Is he confused? Surely, he isn’t serious? What the hell does Putin have on him? We have questions…we want the answers!

Eh, welcome to the Russian Federation of United States.
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That is all!

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