We Should Include the Oklahoma State Legislature on the List of Strange Creatures that Call Oklahoma Home...

I was surprised this morning to find the temperature outside a bit below 32 degrees here at the compound.  I had to take my morning coffee indoors.  Still it was a nice morning and I was enjoying the quiet of a new day here on the southern Great Plains.  Well, at least it was quiet until I opened an email from NewOK.com and started spinning.

I don’t know if anyone else gets the daily emails from The Oklahoman’s web site NewsOK.com, but they come twice daily and push links to the news stories that someone thinks are important to the people of Oklahoma.  You can tell it’s a slow news day when one of the lead articles is fluff, as was the case in the email sent last evening.

The second story link down from the top was titled, “Five Strange Creatures that Call Oklahoma Home (Supposedly)”…like I said…fluff.  The five creatures listed in order are:

1.   Bigfoot (Dude gets around…seems to be covering ground from the Pacific Northwest to Appalachia.  First time I’ve ever heard anyone put him in Oklahoma though.  Note to self – start looking for tracks around the farm.)

2.   Goatman (Here’s a new one.  Supposedly half-man/half-goat.  Wonder if it craps a lot…like a goat.  Note to self – start looking for goatman poo around the farm.)

3.   Ozark Howlers (Thought maybe they were talking about my friend from Arkansas, Lamont.  He gets a bit too much to drink and there is some definite howling.  The article describes it as a large beast with horns and distinctive howl.  Yep, sounds like Lamont.)

4.   Chupacabra (I think I saw a show on the Discovery Channel about this thing.  I thought they were only found in Mexico…guess they’re following the killer bees or something.  Supposedly only attacks and eats goats (could be a solution for Goatman) and weak cattle.  The thing looks like a very large and pissed-off armadillo without a shell.)

5.   Oklahoma Octopus (Of all the things to worry about if you’re planning to jump into the water of one of Oklahoma’s manmade lakes, this would have been at the bottom of the list for me.  Me thinks whoever added this to the list is probably the same person who started the stories about gators in Ft. Supply and Piranhas in Crystal Beach.  This is supposedly a freshwater octopus that attacks and drowns swimmers in Oklahoma lakes.  And all this time, I thought it was just virulent parasites and microbes.)

I was thinking that they should have added the Oklahoma State Legislature to that list when I came upon another article, “Nitrogen Hypoxia Would be Execution Alternative Under Bill Going to Oklahoma Governor”…my, my, my.  As our dedicated followers (all one of you) may recall, we at CCB covered this bill as it made its way through committee with little or no debate.

The bill was passed without opposition (and at the speed of light) yesterday by the Oklahoma Senate (whose motto translated from the Latin is “we need another raise”) and is headed to Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin for signature. 

After reading the article, it appears that the final version of the bill removes the electric chair as an option for carrying out the death penalty in Oklahoma.  Bet the warden’s wife uses it as a lattice for her honeysuckle to climb.  So…here are the new death penalty options in order of use:

1.   Lethal Injection (Becoming increasingly difficult to find the proper drugs.  Plus, the governing body of the pharmaceuticals industry passed a resolution of their own in the past week that discourages any of their membership from participating in lethal injection.)

2.   Asphyxiation by Nitrogen Gas (Sigh – this seems to make sense, on the surface.  It is supposedly quick and painless, but THERE’S NO SCIENTIFIC DATA that supports the use of nitrogen gas as a means for putting someone to death.  This could tie Oklahoma’s hands in terms of executions for years as litigation winds through the courts.  In true Oklahoma legislature form, this was rushed through without a lot of thought or consideration as to implementation.  For instance, no one is certain how the gas will be administered.  The CCB post said an airtight chamber would be used.  According to the article the (cough) legislator who rammed this through, figures it’ll either be a mask (a lot of reasons that won’t work) or a tent.  A tent?  Next I suppose the people who make camping equipment will refuse to sell tents in Oklahoma.  Thanks, Oklahoma Senate!)

3.   Firing Squad (Yep, we’re back to the “Shoot straight, ye bastards!” option.)

The article included a photo of State Representative Mike Christian (R-Oklahoma City) who is author of the bill.  He was smiling smugly and assuring the reporter that death by nitrogen gas is (and this is a quote) “foolproof.”  Uh huh.