We answer the question, do chickens have lips? This is why you read this blog! Answers! We have answers!

Hey, hey…it’s Friday! You’ve made it through another week of dealing with the slugs of humanity, well almost, you still have to get through today.

For myself, the past week has had its ups and downs. The new Mr. Coffee and HP laptop I had to buy following last Friday morning’s disasters are still working. That’s not a bad thing. It looks as though the insurance company of the woman who rammed me in the ass as I was leaving Walmart is going to come through.

So what are the downs? Well, Cousin Fred is still missing. How is it possible that a guy in a painted half-body cast with an arm cocked up at a weird angle, purple nylon shorts without underwear, and contrasting lime green Crocs hasn’t come into law enforcement’s view? Are they blind?

Not to mention that he’s driving around in what is technically a stolen car, chasing after the Trump’s entourage in pursuit of the hairdressing hydrologist Gigi. Surely the Secret Service has a BOLO out on him.

And, did you see the Jimmy Fallon show last night? The Trump actually let Fallon mess up his hair. And, I mean REALLY mess up his hair. No dead animals fell out. What does this mean? That’s no natural hair style the Trump is wearing. Strange, strange, strange.

But, it also locks in Gigi’s location. She almost certainly is in New York and was probably working through the night to restore the Trump’s head to its “natural” state.

If Cousin Fred got wind of what happened on the Tonight Show, he is undoubtedly headed to New York. But, who knows where the Trump is now? I believe they tape those shows earlier in the evening. He’s probably in California by now. It’s kind of like playing Whack-a-Mole trying to keep up with the Trump.

In the meantime, I keep getting texts from the Francesca in the County Jail. She apparently has a contraband phone and has been desperately trying to get hold of Cousin Fred. He’s not taking her calls or responding to her texts. So, now she’s turned her attention to me.

“Why won’t Freddy talk to me?” “Are you hiding him from me?” “I’m getting very concerned in here!” “This is really beginning to piss me off!” “I’m going to stake both of you out in a pasture, slather your genitals with the frosting that comes in those packs of fresh cinnamon roll dough and let the fire ants and pack rats have their way with you. You pig! I hate you both!”

Those were actual texts received from the Francesca using her contraband phone while sitting around in the County Jail dreaming up new ways to severely injure Cousin Freddy and me. As you can clearly tell, they are escalating in their tone and level of lunacy. Dear Sheriff’s Office, time to do another contraband sweep through the jail…just sayin’.

There is an extradition hearing scheduled for today in Cosmic City to send her back to New York for stealing the Mobile Mutt Rescue Unit. I considered going, but she’s working herself into a real rage, so maybe that’s not such a great idea. She might flip out if she sees me in the courtroom.

Hell, I don’t know why she’s so pissed at me in the first place. Cousin Fred isn’t answering me either! I’m worried, but not insanely worried. I mean if he’s dead alongside the road surely someone would have found his fetid corpse by now.

Eh well, I’ll save worrying about Cousin Fred for later. We have a newer, bigger threat we’re facing America! And, it’s coming to us from that overly bloated Federal agency, the CDC, in Atlanta, GA. The same CDC that sends me multiple text alerts on a daily basis notifying me that a particular street corner in San Salvador is now a hotbed of activity for Zika-carrying mosquitos. I don’t know about you folks, but that’s just not something that is an everyday threat in my life! I’ve haven’t been to El Salvador in…well, oh so long…and don’t plan on going back!

So, the CDC, whose motto translated from obscure ancient Latvian, is “Send Mo Money!” has issued guidance that solves an age-old question, “does a chicken have lips?”

Indeed, they do, America, indeed, they do!

It seems there has been an uptick in the number of cases of salmonella across America. Why, you ask? The CDC has informed us that people are kissing chickens…that’s why!
Now, you’re probably thinking, “…gee, Mr. Robin, I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a chicken in my life. Oh sure, there was the oily skinned girl, Esther something or another, who worked at KFC…”

According to the CDC (they wouldn’t lie to us). With the new hip trend of backyard chicken raising, people are starting their flocks with little chicks and kissing on the fuzzy little flightless, but no less tasty, fowl. They’re just so cute. Who knew they could kill you, or at a minimum make you really, really sick to the point you wish you were dead?

The CDC also warns against people turning their chickens into house pets. People are sleeping with chickens in their bedrooms and letting them wander through the bathroom.

WTF is wrong with you people?!?!

What have we learned today?

1. The CDC needs to focus on really important stuff and let the morons who sleep with the chickens suffer the consequences.
2. Wash your hands after handling chickens, dead or alive.
3. DO NOT KISS A CHICKEN…yech! Idiots.
4. Stay away from the courthouse today.
5. Mr. Coffee is still working (thank God).
6. The Trump uses really strong glue to keep the dead cat atop his skull.

That is all.

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