 Friends, since the inception of Cosmic City Blog last March (time flies when we’re having so much fun, don’t you think?) we at CCB have worked hard to find new trends in American culture that you might otherwise miss. Unfortunately, often our research on said trends exposes the extent to which our collective DNA is coming unraveled like so much gluten-free pasta.
Over the past few months CCB has posted posts (posted posts…I’m a genius) for a good number of incidents connected to Walmart. Let’s see there was the woman who shot up with the meth and went joyriding through a Walmart Supercenter on one of those electric carts they provide while eating a roast chicken and sucking down a bottle of wine. Then there was the dude who broke into the manager’s office of a 24-hour Walmart and stole some electronic items. When the cops caught up to him in the office, he told them he was there looking for an application because he wanted to apply for a job as a “mystery shopper”…hard to believe, the law didn’t buy it. Oh…forgot, that knucklehead had a gun on him that he said he got from a “skinny black dude” at Dunkin’ Donuts. Let’s see there was the woman who went into a Walmart and proceeded to steal 131 pair of women’s underwear. At that time, we sent an investigative team (okay, it was just me) to the Walmart Supercenter in Cosmic City at 3AM to see if it was even possible to find 131 pairs of female undies in a Walmart. We’ll never know. I was apprehended by the Cosmic City Police and given a police order to stay from the women’s intimates section of Walmart for a period to last “in perpetuity.” Oh, and let’s not forget that Walmart Supercenters were at the center of a huge conspiracy last summer about a government plan to shred the constitution and have the military take control of us all. They were supposedly using tunnels that connected Walmart Supercenters all over the south. CCB has done a total of 10 posts that mention or focus deeply on Walmart. Why? Why indeed. I’ve asked, granted in a mostly rhetorical manner, all of you to visit Walmart in the middle of the night to view the freak parade for yourself. Have you? Probably not, if you have any sense of self-worth and don’t need a pack of 24 banana-flavored tortillas. So, as I see things it falls upon me to study this phenomena of the dumbing-down of America’s collective consciousness with Walmart Supercenters at the epicenter. Therefore, I created the Institute for the Study of Irretrievably Stupid People Frequenting Walmart Supercenters, or ISISPFRW for short. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a real job anymore and am able to do mindless studies like these…you can thank me later. Sacks of cash or incredibly expensive gifts are always appreciated. The first task for ISISPFRW, will be to embed a team of crack researchers inside the seamy underbelly of Cosmic City’s Walmart Supercenter. It won’t be an easy task given that there is an apparent hiring freeze currently in place. So, we’ll work on embedding our team of professional researchers. We’ll be reporting their findings as soon as…well, who knows. But, we’re on it. Now you may be asking yourself, “Self, why would Robin be picking on Walmart today of all days, which is Walmart Appreciation Day worldwide?” Well, first of all, I did not realize that it’s Walmart Appreciation Day. Frankly, it wouldn’t have mattered. I’m telling you people there’s something unseemly going on there and CCB plans to get to the bottom of things! Beyond that, there was a new story from our friends at Huffington Post involving a Walmart that I simply couldn’t pass up. It seems that the trouble started for the lovebirds pictured above when Mr. Romantic on the left decided to propose marriage to his girlfriend on the right inside a Walmart in Bay City, Michigan. She actually looks kind of normal, I mean sure it’s a mugshot, not a glamor shot so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. But for someone who looks almost normal, it begs the question what she sees in Mr. Romantic. Guess it must be slim pickins in Bay City, or maybe she’s incredibly nearsighted. Nah, I doubt that…I mean the guy doesn’t look as though he stars in AXE Body Wash commercials or anything. Surely, she has a sense of smell even if she can’t focus her vision a foot in front of her. We’ll call her, Ms. Skankalicious. Let the misadventure begin! While in Walmart, Mr. Romantic buys an engagement ring for his forever girlfriend, Ms. Skankalious, and pays all of $29.62 for it. Wow, Walmart stores in Michigan are obviously the place to find huge discounts on fine jewelry in America. Mr. Romantic, unable to contain himself until they can even reach the parking lot falls to one knee at the jewelry counter and proposes to Ms. Skankalicious. She accepts. Now the thing I don’t get is that the proposal and acceptance were broadcast over the store’s PA system. How is that possible? You suppose some well-meaning store employee keyed the mic and put it down in front of them. And, we at CCB also wonder if said alleged well-meaning employee had to hold his/her nose? Other store customers began clapping for the happy betrothed couple. It was quite a scene. All of it caught on store surveillance cams. Isn’t that frigging special? Isn’t love grand? Anyone want to bet that Ms. Skankalicious’ father was out buying a box of 12 gauge buckshot as this was unfolding? HA! Maybe he was in the Walmart at the time buying his buckshot. Me thinks Mr. Romantic had better hit the door running! Just sayin’! Oh, but the story doesn’t end there. Oh no… Sigh...cue Theme from Dragnet. So, apparently the couple decided they needed to treat themselves to a bridal shower (from the mugshot looks as though both of them needed a water shower, but I digress). They visited a nearby Spencer’s store (those are still around?) where they were spotted shoplifting a Bride-to-Be thong, an edible thong, some oral sex candy, and a vibrator. But wait, there’s more. So later that day, a Spencer’s employee spots Ms. Skankalicious near a Taco Bell and calls the cops who promptly swoop in and arrest her. No wait, it doesn’t end there. So they find Mr. Romantic in the Food Court of a nearby mall asleep on one of the tables. He said he fell asleep while tying one of this shoes. Too much oral sex candy I’ll bet. Okay, so Mr. Romantic was in the Food Court, why was Ms. Skankalicious hanging around the outside of Taco Bell? These questions and more to be answered by ISISPFRW when and if we’re ever able to embed them in the steamy rectum of Walmart (also known as the north produce area). Comments are closed.
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