Turns Out the Democratic Presidential Candidates are Even Crazier than the Loons that the Republicans are Fielding! Who Knew?

Welcome to Tuesday’s edition of the Cosmic City Blog.  Hope everyone’s week is off to a great start.  The response yesterday to the news about the Pathetic Order of the Jackrabbit – Original Charter was rather surprising.  There were a number of people locally who inquired about joining the P.O.J.O.C.  Even Cousin Fred called and wanted to know if he could establish a chapter in western Arkansas.  I did my best to discourage that.  There’s no telling what would happen if I let that idiot have his own chapter.  Still, according to the official charter of P.O.J.O.C. any matters regarding the establishment of a new chapter anywhere require the consideration and vote of the membership of the original charter chapter.

There are five of us plank owners (Navy term) or original members.  Most of these guys I’ve known since grade school though one came into our ranks through the back door (hahahahahaha – see below…I crack myself up!).  I previously introduced each in a posting back in May, I think it’s worthwhile to run down the rogues’ gallery once again.   

First, there’s Terry Two-Fingers.  We went to school together.  Terry makes his living over near Freedom working as a rattlesnake handler and “charmer” during the warmer months.  He has a small place east of town.  He had to locate out there when the city refused him a permit for a snake farm inside the city limits.  Terry offered to let us use his garage for chapter meetings, but I’m having none of that…I refuse to set foot on the place unless it’s the dead of winter and I have a pack of mongooses with me.

Jake the Snake and I have known one another since kindergarten.  He runs a successful Roto-Rooter business here in Woodward.  His business really stepped up when he landed a contract to provide drain cleaning services for the City of Woodward.  He’s made a ton of dough on that contract…seems the city is constantly in need of a plumber to open a drain somewhere.  There is speculation that Jake is doing something to cause those drains to clog, but no will ever be able to prove that.

Crisco Carl is another old friend.  Following graduation from high school, most of us moved away from Cosmic City for college, or in my case the military.  Carl stayed, working a variety of jobs around town.  About 20 years ago, he landed in one of the furniture stores over on the east side.  Started in the warehouse moving and delivering furniture before working his way up to inventory specialist.  These days he works the floor as a sales person.  It’s Carl’s genetic misfortune to have been cursed with Irish eyebrows.  They’re completely unruly and refuse to be tamed without a dab of Crisco shortening that Carl applies every morning before heading out the door.  Carl has a lot of experience with the Crisco.  When we were kids, his mother used to clean his ears every morning and then dab Crisco around the outside folds of his ears.  He had the shiniest ears of any kid I ever knew.

K-Y Kelly isn’t from around these parts.  He is a physician…proctology being his specialty.  He moved to Northwest Oklahoma years ago after receiving a medical discharge from the Air Force after it was discovered he was blind in one eye.  There was a big fuss in the papers about the one-eyed Air Force proctologist practicing medicine at Tinker AFB.  Following his discharge, he was hired by the hospital over in Shattuck where he has enjoyed a steady, if not crappy (nyuk, nyuk) practice.  With the hospital in Shattuck shutting down everything but basic services, he’s back on the streets.  We put Kelly in charge of the orphans and widows fund.  His one good eye is great for counting.

So I’ll be putting it to the plank owners this evening as to whether or not we allow Cousin Fred to start his own chapter in Arkansas.  I think my vote will be a “no”, but the others don’t know Cousin Fred as well as me so it could go either way.

And speaking of upcoming votes…

Yesterday, I touched on some of the lesser known Republican candidates who have declared for the 2016 presidential race.  After citing a few of the odder GOP candidates, I thought I would check to see what the Dems were offering…oh my. 

I will say this for the field of declared Democratic presidential candidates, it’s about half the size of the Republican field, but no less weird.  As you may recall, there are no less than 33 declared Republican candidates.  The Democratic bunch is 17 as described on the 2016 Democratic Presidential Candidates web site…still a surprisingly large number (I’m betting there will be more jumping on the wagon soon).  I keep asking myself, “Who the hell would want the job?”

But, I digress…

If the P.O.J.O.C. plank owners are a rogues’ gallery…the herd of Democrats running for president is more of an after-midnight-law-enforcement-BOLO-list.  Allow me to explain…

First up, please let me introduce you to Jeff Boss.  Jeff’s day job is listed as “whistle blower”…hopefully you’re sitting down for this one.  Jeff’s claim to fame is that he is what the conspiracy community refers to as a “Truther.”  He believes (and says he can prove) that the U.S. Government was directly responsible for 9/11.  Specifically, he blames the NSA for the events that unfolded on September 11th.  He also says that the NSA is out to get him (hmmmm…hey, that’s my line!).  Specifically, he says that the agency has bugged his home and altered his plumbing so as to introduce poison in his water supply (wow, now that’s a new level of paranoia).  He says that the seven people (presumably neighbors) living closest to him are NSA operatives who are monitoring his every move.  He believes that the NSA is intercepting his phone calls and using someone who sounds just like him to have conversations with friends and family thinking it’s actually Jeff.  JUDAS PRIEST…and I thought I was paranoid.  My best advice to Jeff would be to move to Uzbekistan (where reportedly the NSA’s prying surveillance can’t reach) and take up weaving potholders.   

Let’s see…next in the barrel is Doug Shreffler whose occupation is listed as “CIA and U.S. Envoy to G4 Classification”…huh?  The CIA thing I get…maybe.  But U.S. Envoy to G4 Classification?  I’ve been around this stuff for a number of years and that’s the first time I’m hearing that phrase.  To claim that he’s a U.S. Envoy would seem to imply that he represented the United States to the G4 Classification?  What the hell is the G4 Classification?  My advice to Dems…run and hide from this guy.

Next up is another presidential candidate who chose to wear a ball cap for his official portrait (Jeff Boss is the other, bet the inside of his ball cap is lined with foil)…after all, nothing says presidential like a “Cathouse Strip Club and Snooker Parlor” ball cap.   His name is Brad Winslow.  Brad’s claim to fame is that he wants to push forward a “Public House” (please note Woodward News, that’s P-U-B-L-I-C House) Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.  Essentially, the Public House would be a new branch of Government charged with the oversight of elected public officials.  Public House would set goals and judge their attainment…blah, blah, blah.  It’ll never work.  The U.S. Congress can’t even agree on a budget, let alone put something like this in place. 

Those three are just a hint of what Dems are offering this time around.  The remainder of this year in terms of presidential politics should be an interesting one…okay, actually it’s just going to be insane.  Maybe I should move to Uzbek with Jeff Boss.  I can be his quality control manager for the handwoven pot holders.