Turn out the lights...this party's over! Observations of a wild-eyed former journalist somewhere along I-70.

Happy Friday everyone! CCB is coming to you live from somewhere in Central Illinois along I-70. Cousin Fred is at the wheel, hopped up on energy drinks and greasy beef jerky. I’m typing this on a laptop that I’m able to keep connected through the grace of AT&T. I should be making commercials for them.

We’re a bit over halfway back to The Compound from the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. We’ve a date with destiny later today as the Charter Members of the Pathetic Order of the Jackrabbit – Original Charter (POJOC) gather at The Compound to commemorate, well, something. Honestly, my fellow Jackrabbits and I don’t need much of an excuse to get together, eat meat, drink excessively, shoot guns, and play old Ramones tunes well into the night.

As we’ve hurtled through the night, my phone has been constantly lighting up with calls from our Southern Living handler, the virginal vegan Brooklyn Hodensack who for most of the night though I was still in Philly. The calls have been going to voicemail. I changed the greeting on my phone to inform the caller that I’m hard at work on an exclusive and that I’M WRITING.

Soon after the Queen of the Unindicted finished her speech last night, Hodensack called to tell me that the Schuykill Suite was filling up with Democratic bigshots and delegates who were enjoying a variety of catered food and drinks sponsored by Southern Living.

As time wore on – or, I should say, the night wore on – the calls became more frequent and the virginal vegan’s tone became less collegial and more acerbic. She began leaving voicemails that went something like, “Where are you? I’m being overrun by Democrats here. They’re getting unruly. I’ve tried to get quotes from some of them for you, but every time I do someone else grabs my butt and the person I was talking to walks off laughing. You’re slacking aren’t you? You should be writing! That’s what I’m paying you to do! Write! Write! Do you hear me? Hello…?”

Or, words to that effect.

I was playing the voicemails over speaker so Cousin Fred could enjoy them too.

Finally, at 3AM, she called and left a voicemail saying that there were only two creepy delegates left at the suite who from Idaho. She said they claim to be the only Democrats in Idaho. One kept sticking a pencil eraser in his ear to clean out the wax. Said he has a medical condition that causes more ear wax in one ear than the other. He even had a name for his affliction, though she didn’t recall what it is. The other one keeps rubbing his thighs, saying they itch. He thinks he may be infested with bedbugs from the hotel where he’s staying. She ended the call in a whispered tone with, “…for the love of humanity, please come back to the suite. Save meeeee!”

Soon thereafter I think she became suspicious and called in her resources at the Southern Living Command Center. They were able to track my iPhone.

At 4AM there was another call, another voicemail. Now her tone was menacing. She informed that I’m in Illinois (first Cousin Fred or I knew of that) and that I would have had to leave Philadelphia mid-afternoon to be there at that hour (she’s obviously a virginal vegan physicist). She ended the call with, “I’m coming for you. You’re dead to me. You hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead!”

So, I have that to look forward to!

Actually, I thought about calling her. I have, after all, finished the Southern Living article. But, no…I’ll let her simmer in her virginal vegan juices for awhile. It’s more fun that way.

I was able to catch many of the speeches of the DNC from Philly yesterday thanks to a special channel devoted to that on Sirius-XM. It was kind of surreal, in a way. I mean every single point of the Democratic platform was addressed by a living example of that point. There was transgender speaker; a woman who aborted a pregnancy spoke about being pro-choice; speakers who had been touched by gun violence spoke out for reform; on and on.

And, of course, there was the Queen of the Unindicted herself bashing The Trump at every turn.

In fact, in all of my years here on Earth, I’m having a tough time recalling a presidential election cycle where the line between two candidates is so clearly drawn. Inevitably, though, no matter who wins it always seems to follow that legislative branch moves in one political direction or the other to counter the power of the executive branch.

Maybe it’s those checks and balances swings that keeps America great. That no one party ever seems to hang on to total power for too long.  It's not an egotistical narcissist bent on making America great in his vision nor his hard-to-pin-down opponent with something of a grating personality and more baggage (read as, troubles and scandals) than a passenger train can haul.

Well, now, there’s nothing left to do, but sit back and enjoy the comedic drama as we head toward November. I’m sure it will turn out a lot better than you think. You’ll see! It’s gonna be great.

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