![]() Happy Tuesday from ground-zero Indianapolis. Yeah, I know this primary has lost some of its gleam since a rocket scientist figured out that a sweep here would not actually guarantee The Trump a win. Still, with every day that passes, this campaign gets more and more interesting. Like the barbs traded between The Trump and Queen of the Unindicted Hillary late last week and over the weekend, where Her Majesty during a TV interview apparently insulted Native Americans saying she had experience with men who get off the reservation. Her spokesperson immediately apologized to Native Americans everywhere. Honestly, while that comment was probably directed at The Trump, I think her “experience” reference was directed at Slick Willy hisself. Now there was a wanderer! The Trump came roaring back with “…the Indians have gone wild on that statement…” Really? That’s the cleverest thing you can say? He’d have been smarter to just let it go, but not The Trump. Of course, The Trump couldn’t back that statement up with anything. This from a man who seems to delight in deriding women, people with disabilities, and/or immigrants. Still, the fact remains that he has a 15 point lead over Dead Ted and even more over Altar Boy John. Those two have been going at it with Cruz saying that if Kasich would just drop out, Indiana would be a much closer race. Uh huh. So, it’s not the death knell that everyone thought it would be for the Cruzers. But, for Cousin Fred and me, it means MAD Magazine will likely continue sponsoring our embedment (sic) with The Trump’s press corps…Trying to Make America Break Again…one primary state at a time. We have great accommodations here in Indianapolis. A three bedroom suite atop the Hyatt in downtown. So far, as near as I can tell, we’ve run up a room service bill somewhere to the north of $16,990 and people keep coming. Eh, well…as I look at it I’m not paying the bill and I’m getting some great stuff for my reports back to MAD. Seriously, this city is full of freaks! At some point, when there were the most people in here…probably around 2AM…a rumor began to spread through the suite that The Trump was in the room. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see over everyone…too short. I later found out that he did come in while he was heading toward his own suite down the hall. He used the powder room near the entrance and then decided it was too crowded, so he left. So, here we are at 4:30AM and I think we’re down to roughly 150 people, but they’re diehard partiers. Things will pick up again this evening. We’re having four large TVs delivered and installed so we can all watch the primary returns roll in. I’m just sorry I missed The Trump. It would have been great journalism to get a one-on-one exclusive with the candidate. Of course, that would have meant waiting for him outside the powder room. It would have been awkward as I wouldn’t want to shake hands with him…rumor has it that he doesn’t wash his hands after doing his business. But, short-people genetics prevented my seeing him. Of course, I guess I could compensate for my lack of tallnicity by working to give myself a giraffe neck like that Los Angeles woman I read about in a Huffington Post article. Okay, so of all the things you could change about yourself with surgery, or whatever…what would be the number one thing? For most people, I suppose it would be a facelift, maybe something along the lines of lip augmentation, or a nose job, boob job, scrotal augmentation (look it up), whatever. Trying to stretch my neck would be the last thing I think I would go for. Me personally, my neck disappeared a long time ago. Short of the Saddam Hussein method of neck stretching I had never heard of anything that actually helps in getting the long neck look…until now…well, sort of. So this woman out in LA, home to world’s most self-important people, had an obsession since childhood with long necks. Said she had been that way since seeing pictures of women in Burma and Thailand who would place large copper rings around their necks in order to stretch the length. The thing is, LA Woman, they wore those rings all the time. Still she gave it a shot, placing 15 tightly fitting stacked copper rings around her neck. She claims she was able to grow neck to 10 inches long, but guess what? It went back to where it was before she started when she removed the rings. Frankly, she’s damned lucky she wasn’t decapitated by a deranged scrap metal person in search of a quick buck. I know when I was recently doing my particularly peculiar rendition of Elmore James’ “The Sky is Cryin’” at one of the underground clubs in Cosmic City, there was a guy in the front row watching me – well, actually I think he was more interested in the copper slide on my finger. He kept smiling, with a gold front tooth shining in the stage lights and working a pair of what I’m sure were sharp shears in his hand. But, I digress… So other than a photo shoot for Penthouse Magazine (they’re still around?), she really got nothing for her trouble other than a now weak neck and bruising around the base. Okay, gotta get back to the party. I’ve been writing this post in the powder room…just think, The Trump took a dump in here…and someone is pounding at the door saying we need more shrimp with cocktail sauce. What? Me worry? Comments are closed.
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