Through the Use of Vienna Sausages, CCB Singlehandedly Sets Global Diplomacy Back 100 Years...

Well, according to most reports, the “lid” has snapped down on Iran’s nuclear programs…at least for now.  The U.S. media yesterday and today is filled with a variety of stories, each with a different spin on some aspect of the accord that was reached in Vienna yesterday.  Our own Woodward News ran an AP story on page one, decrying the agreement as leading to a lowering of oil prices in an already glutted market.  Certainly an important story to just about anyone in Oklahoma associated with the oil/gas sector.  They left the AP story that looked at the machinations of getting the deal done, “New Chapter or Historic Mistake?” for page two, probably because no one around here really cares about the details.  But maybe we should.

The Iranians probably got most of what they wanted, mainly a lifting of punitive sanctions (to the tune of more than $100 billion).  This will likely boost their economy which has teetered on disaster for some time now.  They do not have to shut down completely their nuclear programs…just scale them back a bit.  Oh, and they have to stop trying to weaponize what production they do have for at least ten years. 

The Iranians are happy, the Russians are happy (they got to play on the world stage and look important, plus they can tap Iranian oil), the Chinese are thrilled (they came out of this looking like a major world player). 

The Israelis are pissed.  They don’t see anything good coming from any of this. 

So, what did the U.S. and the other four parties at the table get?  Well, some concessions, I guess…U.N. inspections and monitoring of nuclear facilities in Iran, the curtailment of nuclear weapons programs (for now), scaling back on nuclear programs across the board (for now), promises that they won’t go back to arms trading around the world (uh huh), etc., etc.  

Of course, President Obama still has to get the Congress to buy into the agreement.  Something they aren’t likely to do so easily.  House Speaker John Boehner (aka, Captain Orange) has already been on television saying that his Congress will not approve a deal that they see as bad for national security.  Uh huh.  You know Boehner should have been part of the Oklahoma Legislature…he’d fit right in.  You got the one state representative with the Captain Kangaroo haircut who makes empty promises to douse himself with gas and set himself afire in the chambers of the state supreme court.  Then there’s the whack-job representative who likes to dress as Batman.

But, I digress…I seem to recall hearing that the Republican-led Congress has 180 days to ratify the agreement.  I suspect they’ll use every bit of that time to wage their own campaign of why this isn’t good for America.  And, maybe they’re right.  The sad part is that both sides of aisle will turn this into campaign issue…trust me, it ain’t over yet.

Mostly, I’m happy to see this 18-day marathon of talks end…for now.  Frankly, watching John Kerry hobble in and out of the room on crutches was getting old…he looked so pathetic.  After several missed deadlines, the deal was finally reached.  If you’re wondering what it actually took to get a deal done, I think I can some insight.

We at CCB were fortunate enough to have one of our operatives in the room as negotiations were wrapping up.  Here is an actual historical account of the events as they unfolded (hey, we wouldn’t make this up)…AP, eat your heart out.

<General grumbling in the room that Secretary Kerry is late for what the delegates hope will be the final session.  Finally, after several minutes of general grumbling, Kerry hobbles in.>

Kerry:  Good morning, fellow delegates.  I regret being tardy for today’s session, but my aides were unable to locate my crutches this morning.  This was solved when they were located in the Russian foreign minister’s room.  Very funny, Mr. Foreign Minister…perhaps you and I can have a private discussion following this morning’s session.

<The Russian foreign minister ignores Secretary Kerry’s admonishment, choosing instead to polish his cuff links.>

Kerry:  Now, per this morning’s agenda I, as the U.S. Secretary of State, will chair today’s session.  You will all address me as Grand Eminence.  Any objections?  No?  Good, let us proceed.

<Kerry calls the meeting to order by slamming a crutch on the surface of the table.>

Iranian Foreign Minister Zarif:  Please, G.E., can we get this thing done?  I’m so sick of Vienna sausages I can’t stand it anymore.  I’ll give you concessions.  Anything you want, just no more Vienna sausages!

<Kerry whacks the Iranian foreign minister upside his head with a crutch.  He then reaches to a plate set in the center of the table to stab another Vienna sausage with a toothpick.>

Kerry:  The Iranian foreign minister will kindly follow agreed-upon protocols and await the Grand Eminence’s acknowledgment of his existence before he speaks.  Now then, I think the first order of business will be placing our orders for lunch.  Please around the menus if you will, Minion.

<General discussions regarding the day’s lunch offerings ensues.>

Zarif:  All that is on this menu is Vienna sausages, prepared in six different ways.  Barbecued Vienna sausages, sautéed Vienna sausages, Vienna sausages escargot, chili con Vienna sausages, General Tso Vienna sausages, and chicken-fried Vienna sausages!  This is diabolical. 

<Kerry whacks the Iranian foreign minister upside the head again with his crutch to the objections of the Russians and the Chinese.>

Zarif:  I give up, I give up.  We’ll sign the accord, but we insist it be done prior to lunch!

And, that dedicated readers is how you negotiate.  Trust, but verify (Ronald Reagan’s mantra) and whack ‘em upside the head with a crutch.  Hmmm…wonder if the Israelis will buy into the trust, but verify mantra.  Somehow, I doubt it.