Yesterday ‘twas a strange day indeed here at the compound. All efforts at production of the jalapeno-flavored caramel-covered hedge apple slices we affectionately call Buffalo Chips was unexpectedly interrupted.
At least I wasn’t expecting it. Even the wife came out of the bedroom, but immediately ran back in after seeing the condition of the kitchen from all the Buffalo Chips production going on. Cousin Fred and Friend Lamont left here en route Cosmic City to “max out our credit cards, drink all the liquor, and chase all the womens.” Note to self, bail Cousin Fred and Friend Lamont out of Woodward County jail this morning. There was a pack of coyotes just across the road last evening that carried on an awful ruckus (bet the wife has been putting pickled bean curd snack plates out for them again – that would certainly make me howl). I received a pair of cease and desist notices: One from the city of Beaver, Oklahoma which claims I’m infringing on their trademark use of buffalo chips (the kind found on the ground) as part of their World Cow Chip Throwing Contest every April. The second was from some guy up in Buffalo, Oklahoma who claims he holds a patent on jalapeno-flavored, caramel-covered hedge apple slices that dates back before I was even born…and that was a long time ago. I wanted to get our disbarred and disgraced corporate attorney (it’s all we can afford) working on those, but he ran off to Vegas with that odd woman who expresses dog anal glands at the grooming parlor. Why all the weirdness, you’re probably asking yourself? I know I was. Well, it turns out that the world was supposed to end yesterday. I did not know that. I guess I need to start watching more Oprah or maybe Jerry Springer or something. It seems there was an online religious group up in Pennsylvania calling itself the eBible Fellowship (hey, they have a web site). According to our brethren in Pennsylvania (whose motto taken from the Latin is “Buy a house here and let it be swallowed by an old coal mine, but you’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania”) the last legitimate prediction the world would end was by yet another religious group who predicted the world’s demise on May 21, 2011. According to the bunch at eBible, said first religious group had it all wrong. They misinterpreted the date…it was actually October 7, 2015. I don’t know about you…but, I just pinched myself. I seem to still be here. My coffee maker is still working. I just received an e-bill from the power company so they’re still there. The weirdest part of this is a quote in The Guardian in which the head of eBible Fellowship, the Right Reverend Chris McCann said, “There is a strong likelihood that this will happen. Which means there’s an unlikely possibility it will not.” Okay, breathe deep. Read that again. Still doesn’t make sense? Yeah, I’m with you. Huh? I took a logic course in college years ago as an elective. Thought it would be pretty cool. It wasn’t. Despite my “advanced” formal education in the use and study of valid reasoning…I don’t get it. If you do get it, would you please explain it to me? I must be missing something. That got me to thinking. If R.R. McCann can (McCann can, get it…I crack myself up) put up a web site and make wild predictions, why can’t I? Years ago (15 years, I think…signed up when the world was supposed to end in 2000), I paid the Universal Life Church a smallish fee for credentials as a Doctor of Divinity. It’s why I get mail all the time addressed to Dr. Hohweiler (well, that and because I always fill out order forms with “Dr.”)…just call me, Doc. Note to self, start adding to forms, “Right Reverend Dr”… I can build web sites. I’m really good at making snarky comments about people and being the object of their scorn for my trouble. I can do this! Hmmmm…I hear the IRS is really free with passing out tax-exempt status to religious groups, legitimate or otherwise. I’ll make wild-assed predictions…oh wait, I feel one coming on brothers and sisters. On October 28, 2015, The Trump will drop out of the Republican pack after Carly Fiorina, in a fit of rage, begins chasing him around the debate stage trying to tear the mop from his head. Yea verily…whoomp there it is. Let us mark our calendars. Comments are closed.
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