Ah…it’s a glorious Wednesday! Hope you’re well! Once again, Tornado Payne-in-the-A** and his ruthless gang of meteorological thugs has gotten it wrong. He was on air at 6PM announcing rain chances of 50% for The Compound. We got nothing. Me thinks he was overcompensating for his predictions of drought the night before when we received two quick moving storms in one night! DISH please!! Give us back our Weather Goddess Emily of Sutton and yes, we’ll even take Mike “Los Manos” Morgan! Someone in whose predictions we could always count on. Say, maybe it’s time for Gary England to come out of retirement! Nah, he’s too busy doing air conditioning commercials with what’s his name. I’ve not seen anything of Cousin Fred since yesterday morning when he was outside Hellkat One’s trailer cleaning the spots off of Gigi’s Lexus after the two storms that NO ONE AT CHANNEL 9 PREDICTED! The engineer who is helping us with the Lake Mountebank project is due back today. I was hoping to at least have Gigi, the hairdressing hydrologist, on speakerphone to hear what the guy says. Eh well, at least Cousin Fred isn’t moping around here pining away for Gigi. Bet he’s off on another Pokémon GO adventure. Friends, have you ever been to Brussels, Belgium? I used to travel there a lot…like every two weeks each month for two years. It wasn’t a bad place to be if you had business there. Honestly I don’t think anyone ever visits Brussels just to be a tourist. It is a great place to go out to eat though. There was a restaurant near the Grand Place called The Vincent that was always my favorite. The entrance to the place was from an alley which meant you walked through the kitchen (everyone in the kitchen greeted you as you walked in) to be seated. If the place was at capacity – which it frequently was – the maître d’ would send you across the alley to another bar and then come fetch you when a table was ready. A typical meal at The Vincent began with an order of moules escargot – mussels on the half shell baked with a cheese and garlic sauce. That would be followed by an entrée of Dover sole – the whole damned fish – slathered in butter. There was always fresh yeasty bread on the table and countless huge glasses of Belgian beer. But, I digress…there were dozens of great places to eat in Brussels, but that was about it. Tourist spots? Well, there was the Grand Place which is a big open area with 300-400 year old buildings surrounding it. And, then, there was the Mannequin Pis. The Mannequin Pis is a small bronze statue from the 1600’s tucked away on a remote corner of the city center that depicts a small boy peeing into the fountain basin. Seriously, folks, that’s it. Now then, you’re probably saying, “Why the hell do I care about a peeing statue and restaurants?” Hang with me, pilgrims…hang with me. Here’s where I bring it home. So, in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a hillbilly haven southeast of Nashville, there is this Japanese steak house. Now, if you’ve never been to one of these places, it’s more about the entertainment than the food. Generally, you go there in a group (safety in numbers I always say) and sit around an incredibly hot grill. Your chef, who is generally Japanese – though in Murfreesboro, I’ll bet his name is Bubba (his momma was probably named Sadie Jane) - comes out to cook food and generally try to make a fool of the people watching him. In most places, assuming it’s a table of adults, at some point the chef will pick up a squirt bottle of some sort and fire off a stream of Sake (rice wine – good stuff) at someone’s face. The idea is that said someone will open their mouth and the wine shoots in there until the person can’t stand it any longer. Unless, of course, you live in Murfreesboro. So this tight-a** couple walk in. By the way, have I ever told you the one about the judge, the attorney, the insurance agent, and the spook go into a bar in Taos…? No? Well, we’ll save that for another time. Okay, back to the post at hand. So, this tight-a** couple walk into a Japanese steak house in Murfreesboro. The chef has a little plastic doll (pictured above) made to look like a small boy. When alleged chef pulls the pants down on said doll, it squirts a stream of water from the genitals area. Hahaha…oh, the hilarity of it all. Get it? Mannequin Pis in a weird plastic Japanese Murfreesboro sort of way! However, when he tries to squirt it at the tight-a** hillbilly wife seated in front of him, she doesn’t open her mouth and takes a shot in the face. She gets up and calls police, announcing to the 911 dispatcher that she’s been sexually assaulted in a Japanese steak house. Cops show up and dutifully take a sexual assault report. The hillbilly wife reportedly told police, “He (chef) pulled his (boy doll) little shorts down and it (again, boy doll) had a wanger and he (chef) squirted me (hillbilly woman) right in the face.” A wanger? That’s the best she could muster? No Lauren Bacall voice saying, “He had a d**k this long, I’m telling you!”? The restaurant owner told police that the doll is a common part of the show patrons get at dinner. He even told the cops, “They kids like it, they think it’s a water gun.” Hillbilly husband repeatedly called the spraying “a sexual-style assault on my wife.” The local prosecutor’s office is pretty certain they aren’t going to prosecute…imagine that…bet they’re from the big city. I’m sure the couple will now sue the restaurant for Mrs. Hillbilly being sexually assaulted. In the meantime, the restaurant says it will ask permission before they bring out the Tennessee version of Mannequin Pis, lest they piss off someone else. Nyuk, nyuk. As I read about this, I sat wondering why it was only water. It occurred to me that Murfreesboro probably sits in a dry county. There are a lot of those in Tennessee. That’s just un-American. And before you begin hurling rotten tomatoes at me, I get it. The poor stupid woman wasn’t looking for a shot of water in the face when she and her husband went into the “jap joint” to feed. But really? Filing sexual assault charges? I’m having a tough time getting a grip on that. Again, nyuk, nyuk. One last thing, stay the hell out of Murfreesboro. Comments are closed.
|
Archives
March 2019
Categories |