The Snake Man Cometh!

Howdy and happy Friday everybody!  Hope you’re facing a great weekend before you have to slug back into work on Monday with a hangover.  There won’t be much in the way of weekend fun around the compound with the Downward Facing Dog Yoga and Meditation Festival (DFDYMF) rapidly approaching.  Too much job to do around here. 

It doesn’t help anything that the wife and Cousin Fred are really starting to get on one another’s nerves.   I’ve done my best to keep Cousin Fred out of her sight, but it’s hard to do here at the compound.  Yesterday, I had him out on the porch making his calls and keeping an eye on the PayPal account where the “gate” for the DFDYMF keeps rolling in.  Once the wife saw that the money is starting to flow she disappeared out back where she’s working on a new metal sculpture of a fried chicken in a basket.  I knew those welding lessons would come in handy for something.  Even our latest compound guest, Hellkat One, has taken an interest in the fried chicken sculpture and is helping the wife position the wings just so in the basket. 

Cousin Fred’s big job yesterday was to seek the release on bail of Banjo Boy up in Washington State.  CCB’s own disbarred and disgraced attorney (it’s all we can afford) pointed out that even if we are able to secure the release of BB by the end of the weekend, he will most likely be prohibited from venturing outside his home state as a condition of bail.  We’ll see how that goes.  I have a plan.

Cousin Fred pointed out that a few thousand admissions were bought before we (okay, before I) changed the direction of the festival from Thrash Metal Jam Festival to the now much more tranquil (hopefully) yoga event.  It’s his recommendation that we make it a co-event with the head bangers on one side of a wide center aisle and the meditative bunch on the other.  Despite the CCB’s attorney’s counsel that we’re setting a course for disaster, I agreed with Cousin Fred’s recommendation.  I figured we would need to step up the security though to keep the two groups apart. 

Originally, the brother-in-law offered to head up security when it looked as though the only participants would be a bunch of cosmically-sedate people sounding Om in unison while twisting themselves into impossible shapes.  Now with the addition of a few thousand offspring of decades of touring-burnt-out-deaf rockers…the brother-in-law is having second thoughts.

Cousin Fred, ever the idea man, began telling me about an article he read on the Huffington Post web site, wherein some dude in Arizona invaded the home of a guy that he said was responsible for a friend being sent to prison.  Our invader proceeded to beat the invadee (sic) with a board until said board broke.  At that point the invader (henceforth called Snake Man – wait for it) threatened him with a live rattlesnake.  Snake Man was holding the rattlesnake and thrusting it at the poor invadee, but the snake was having none of it and refused to bite.  I know, right?  You can never get a rattlesnake to cooperate when you need it to.  Who knows, maybe the snake felt sorry for the guy with the lumpy, bloody head.

So, Snake Man loses the snake…or perhaps I should say, looses the snake…and takes up a gun he brought along as a back-up plan.  Snake Man makes the now (I’m sure) terrified invadee drop to his knees before firing off a round into a speaker near invadee’s foot.  The gun fire along with the likely panicked screams (I know I would be screaming at that point) of the invadee finally spurs someone to call the cops. 

When the cops show up, Snake Man tried to hide the gun under a sofa in the kitchen (I’m not even going to comment), which the altogether clever law enforcement immediately found.  Hell, they even captured the snake and released it outside.  That’s some law enforcement they got there in Arizona!

So Snake Man is now sitting in jail in lieu of a $50,000 bond.  An interview with one of Snake Man’s acquaintances turned up that this isn’t the first time he’s used wildlife pests to menace humans.  Apparently, he’s been arrested before for chasing someone with a hornet nest and then trying to throw it inside their home.  Sheesh.

After telling me all this, I’m looking at Cousin Fred like he’s grown a third eyeball.  He tells me that what we need is something to keep the two sides of the festival apart.  His recommendation was to put leashes and collars on badgers and use them to patrol the “Gaza Strip” between the two sides.  I was about to ask what manner of idiot would want to be holding a badger on a leash, but decided to let it go.  Cousin Fred’s point is well taken…we need something.  Maybe I’ll try to find some security with something much more docile…like angry Rottweilers.