The Scoreboard Sports Grill in Woodward is the Universe's Center for Weirdness

Happy Monday everyone!  Hope everyone had a great holiday.  We had a great time at the celebrations in Woodward that seem to get better and better every year.  I have to say though that the turtle racing didn’t turn out as we (okay, I) had hoped.  Our training strategy with our box turtles was start them from the center of a large circle…first turtle across the line of the circle wins.  I get to Crystal Beach Park only to discover that the turtles were racing along linear chutes.  THAT’S NOT HOW I TRAINED MY TURTLES TO RACE! I lodged a persistent and formal protest with one of the judges who informed me that if I didn’t get my…ummm, self…out of his way, he would have me arrested.  At that point, I made a tactical retreat, but we’ll be back next year!

But, I digress…

Beyond the Fourth of July festivities, it was a busy weekend here at the compound.  Cousin Fred rolled into town from western Arkansas on Thursday evening.  It’s always a pleasure to see him and learn what manner of shenanigans he’s packed into his bag for the trip.  The wife is not nearly as enamored of Cousin Fred as I, but I think she is secretly amused by some of the crap he comes up with…at least until I appear to be “buying” into it. 

On Friday evening, Cousin Fred and I went to The Scoreboard Sports Grill in Woodward, mostly get him out of the sight(s) of the wife after he presented her with a hostess gift of a 1980’s-era Uniden Cordless Phone system with a tape answering machine built into the base unit.  Bet he got that back in the day at a timeshare sales event. 

At The Scoreboard, we met up with a friend of mine who longs to leave the relatively comfortable confines of Northwest Oklahoma and move to Alaska.  Why he’s so bent on Alaska I’m not sure, though he kept alluding to my blog posting about that TV show “Mountain Men”.  Made me think he’s planning to move up there and get his own segment on the show.  I’ve never known him to be much of the outdoor type, but who knows.  Maybe he can pitch the Alaska version of “Naked and Afraid” to the producers, you know…”Naked and Afraid: Frozen Wilderness”, or perhaps “Naked and Afraid: Frozen Genitalia” would be more apropos.  Now there’s something to be afraid of!  Don’t know if you’ve ever seen that show (think it’s a Discovery Channel gem), but it’s kind of a mix of “Dating Naked” (another winner) and “Mountain Men” where they drop a man and woman who otherwise have no connection, make them get naked and survive for 21 days in some unbelievably inhospitable environment. 

I was telling him about a screenplay I’m writing on spec to enter in The Twister Alley Film Festival next spring.  We were discussing the finer points of writing for the movies and speculating as to who will play the characters I’ve created.  I’m thinking George Clooney in the lead role, but my friend is of the opinion that Handsome George is old hat and will soon be doing local insurance commercials on basic cable.

As this conversation was going on, I glanced down the bar to see Cousin Fred talking with a guy sitting at the very end of the bar.  The guy was kind of interesting looking and it seemed there was something vaguely familiar about the fellow, but I couldn’t quite place him.    

After a lengthy conversation, with Cousin Fred gesticulating rather animatedly, the guy got up to leave.  He and Cousin Fred shook hands as he departed the bar.  When he came back to sit near us, I asked Cousin Fred who the guy was and what they were talking about down there.  He informed me that the guy is a performer in a traveling Wild West show passing through on its way to Dodge City.  He informed me that he was able to “cut a deal” with the guy.  I inquired as to the nature of the deal, but Cousin Fred refused to tell me lest it “wind up in your stupid blog” and ruin everything for him.

Not to worry curious and dedicated readers, I knew it was only a matter of time before I’d be able to the bottom of the “deal”. 

Cousin Fred has never been one to simply sit and watch things move around him.  He always has to be in the middle of just about everything.  So it was at The Scoreboard on Friday.  I saw him grab his drink and head off into one of the other rooms in the restaurant portion of the place where he soon found the sister and brother-in-law enjoying a late evening meal.  I saw through the glass the look of sheer panic on the brother-in-law’s face when he saw Cousin Fred.  The sister, on the other hand, at least feigned delight at seeing him…what else are you going to do with family?  Me personally…I would probably have pretended I didn’t know him and then run out the door.

I went into the room to join them when I heard my sister asking Cousin Fred if he was in town to help the brother-in-law salvage their two fishing boats from the muddy remains of what was Lake Mountebank. That reminded me that I needed to do my own salvage operation there to retrieve the wife’s jewelry.

Cousin Fred acted as though he hadn’t heard her and asked a question of his own.  He wanted to know if the nephew would be at the family Fourth of July party at the folks’ house on Saturday night.  The sister got a concerned look on her face, but said that she believed her son would be there.

For those of you not familiar with our annual Fourth of July fete, it’s about as close as we come to a family reunion.  Since the folks moved into the house across from the golf course, we’ve all assembled over there.  That way, we have a front row seat for the fireworks. 

Saturday night after the hot dogs were eaten and most of Mr. Kim’s plum wine hooch had been consumed, I noticed Cousin Fred had cornered the nephew and was talking to him about something.  The nephew seemed to listen closely and nod his head as though he were agreeing with whatever rap Cousin Fred was laying down.  Finally, he and Cousin Fred shook hands.  I knew then that the train was about to run off the tracks. 

I made my way over to the nephew and asked him what Cousin Fred had been saying to him.  Seems that our illustrious cousin was asking about the load capacity of the nephew’s largest truck.  The nephew owns a trucking company and the large truck is designed for oilfield hauling.  He indicated to me that the truck is permitted to haul up to 135,000 pounds.  I asked the nephew if Cousin Fred told him what he would be hauling.  The nephew responded that Cousin Fred wasn’t specific, but did tell the nephew not to worry…that it wasn’t an illegal load. 

On Sunday, Cousin Fred informed the wife and me that he would be staying a few days longer to work some things out with regard to his latest venture.  I was so pleased to hear that…seriously…not.  The wife reminded me that the Woodward Elks Rodeo is fast approaching and that maybe I should warn an Elk or two to be on the lookout for Cousin Fred.

To be continued…