![]() Monday morning 4AM and this rolling frat party is once again…well, rolling. Cousin Fred, Friend Lamont, and I…oh, and Lassie the barking goat…are on the road again. Destination is somewhere in the vicinity of Montezuma, Colorado (aka, America’s meanest town). Montezuma is the only place I’ve ever heard of where they throw people in jail for parking on the streets and where the mayor of the city is suing every resident of the city for one thing or another while the residents counter-sue the mayor and city council. I can think of no better place to turn a bunch of naked people loose in search of The Bigfoot for our new reality show “The Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed”. We’re in Friend Lamont’s RV with Hellkat One’s mini-palace in tow, careening through the Panhandle on our way to Colorado’s “High Country” (new state motto) in search of a beast that seems to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. What could go wrong? We have four cases of cheap red wine, three cases of Mezcal (with worms - protein), one twelve-pack of beer (we’ll wait to stock up on beer until we get to CO, where you can buy “real” beer), 3 dozen frozen corndogs, several bottles of mustard, 60 bags of Cheetos (Lassie is rather fond of fried cheese puffs), and several packs of gummy worms (Cousin Fred says they’re an important source of low-fat fiber). That should hold us until we get to Colorado. I just asked Siri for directions to the nearest Starbucks, but it’s trying to send us to California so I guess we’ll just stop at the next gas station/convenience store. I need coffee in the worst way. Cousin Fred keeps yammering about where he plans to find reality “stars” to use in our reality show…read as, people willing to get naked on national television and prowl through the woods in search of (dare, I say?) a mythical monster. He keeps turning the pages on a legal pad that he’s been “writing” all over. I don’t think there’s anything intelligible on that pad. Friend Lamont is concentrating on the driving. Hellkat One’s trailer is kind of whipping in the wind, so Friend Lamont currently has his hands full. Lassie the barking goat has already found the stash of Cheetos and has a powdery cheese goatee around his mouth. Like I said, I desperately need coffee. The Wife, once she realized that we were all leaving this morning, really pitched in to help with packing the RV and Hellkat One’s mini-palace on wheels yesterday. She even came outside this morning as we were getting ready to start down the road. There was a filterless Pall-Mall dangling from her lips and a double barrel shotgun in her hands. I asked about the gun. She said it was to ensure we actually got moving toward Colorado. Friend Lamont is a very socially-conscious type person. He takes great pains to ensure his RV is up to date on its maintenance so that he is not unnecessarily polluting the Earth as we roll down the highway. Inside there are even multiple containers for trash. There’s one for trash-trash, a recyclables container for paper, another for cans, another for plastics, and still another for bottles. I kind of like to see that. There is no recycling in Cosmic City, of course. I guess you have to have more population to make it worthwhile. Still, it’s kind of a shame that a lot of stuff that could be recycled is just being buried in that landfill. Still, I suppose there are some things that definitely belong in the landfill rather than a recycle bin. Take, for instance, a story that I read on the Huffington Post web site over the weekend about a bomb scare in Modena, Italy. A resident there called police when she heard a strange buzzing coming from inside one of several roadside recycling bins. Police arrived on scene and determined that it was probably a bomb and immediately evacuated everyone within a 200 meter range of the site. Hmmmm…I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of a bomb buzzing. I’ve heard of BuzzBombs of course. That’s a particular type of firework that makes a buzzing sound as it launches and before it blows itself to hell. After the bomb squad shows up and the guy dressed in all of the protective gear goes dumpster diving, guess what he comes up with? Go on, guess. A vibrating sex toy. Yep, someone dropped their plastic “Guido Gigantesco” into the plastic recycle bin. Well meaning, I’m sure, but it raises a number of questions. First of all, only the shell of Guido is plastic. There’s a motor and batteries still attached. There are separate recycling bins for batteries. Also, I’m not even sure that Guido’s shell belonged in a plastic recycling bin. Seems to me that should probably have been in a bin for biohazardous waste. Just sayin’. And finally, Guido is obviously still on the job. Why throw him away? I could spend the rest of the week speculating about that, but will let it go. So there you have it gentle blog readers. Go forth and recycle well. Comments are closed.
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