The Porta-Poos are full, the spiritualists have taken flight, a mysterious telegram arrives, and real head bangers are making America great...it's an action-packed Monday!

Happy Monday everyone! We’re all off and running with a new week filled with workplace intrigue, petty bosses, gossipy co-workers, watered-down drinks, and overcooked lizard tails.

Not me though, I have Cousin Fred to deal with. Don’t you wish you could be me?

The spiritualists have pretty much cleared out of The Compound now. I figured once the two Johnny Be Good Porta-Poos down by the road were full enough, they would take the hint. We achieved critical crapola (actual technical term in the porta-poo business) on Saturday night and the stream of cars out of here began soon after midnight.

And, guess what? Not a sign of the ghost of Temple Houston to be seen! Friday night was spent with the spiritualists in a huddle on the center lawn reviewing their video footage and listening to their audio recordings. They had nothing, save for hours of digital recordings of Cousin Fred’s snoring.

“Do you hear that? We played it backwards and added the sounds of pigs being slaughtered and we could clearly hear the words, ‘Life is good.’”

Still, the spiritualists promise to be back in early October, certain that TH will appear for another gunfight in the Cabinet Saloon replication (aka, The Cab).

In the meantime, I received a telegram here at The Compound (and, who the hell sends telegrams anymore?) from a guy named John Z. Quick informing me that “J.B. hisself” will arrive here today. The telegram went on to say that this is an unofficial visit and that J.B. (hisself) really doesn’t want any media coverage.

Note to self: must alert the local newspaper that won’t allow me to mention their name just in case it’s a really, really, really slow news day.

The telegram did ask that we stock up on vitamin water and Sprite, oh…and Cap’n Crunch cereal. The telegram informed me that J.B. is traveling with a small, intimate entourage and they won’t need more than 10 rooms max.

At that, I threw the telegram away. I have bigger things to worry about than another bus load of looney-toons showing up here at The Compound.

Friends, do you know what makes America great? No? Let me tell you, it’s that anyone can achieve anything here. Seriously. What other country in the world do you know of where an orange-skinned, follicle-challenged failed entrepreneur and TV star facing a mountain of litigation can be elected King?

Once again, an American has stepped forward to snatch a world record that no one else was interested in pursuing. I’m speaking, of course, of John “Hammer Head” Ferraro, of Boston. Hammer Head just broke the world’s record for hammering nails into a board with his forehead…in Italy…and brought glory home to U.S.A.

Hammer Head Ferraro is a great American with a really thick skull. No seriously, it’s been medically proven that Hammer Head has a skull that measures more than twice the thickness of you and me.  Unconfirmed press reports have that he was The Trump's number two pick for Education Secretary behind Madam DeVos.

His record for breaking concrete blocks on his head using a bowling ball still stands (since 2011). That involved 48 blocks inside of three minutes.

To set the new record Ol’ Hammer Head drove 38 nails into a board inside of two minutes! U-S-A! U-S-A!

It should be a new Olympic sport, me thinks. People doing weird-ass sh*t with their body parts. Now, I would sign up for pay-per-view for that action!

And, doing wacky stuff is not even Hammer Head’s full-time job! He’s an actual professional wrestler who goes by the name, Gino Martino. So, if you’re thinking about taking up wrestling and you draw an opponent named Gino Martino whose song from the curtain contains the lyric, “…when my head hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s Martino…”, I would suggest sneaking out the back of the arena.

All of this talk about Hammer Head’s record has Cousin Fred stirred up (Note to self: need to shut down the broadband in The Cab). He’s down there now poring through a copy of the Guinness World Records to find a record he can break and heap even more glory on the United States.

Ain’t America great (again)?!

That is all!

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