The Oklahoma Republican Party Should Hire Me As A Consultant! Redux

Editor's Note:  Chief Blogger Robin is on a road trip this week (never around when we need him).  In his absence, CCB is running blasts from our past (as if we didn't torture you enough the first time).  Today's post is from mid-July and is particularly timely given that the Oklahoma Republican Party Chairman resigned/retired/stepped-down/was run out of town.  Hmmmm...yeah, we saw this coming.

Okay, so back in April of this year, I left a couple of posts on this blog about the Oklahoma GOP.  First, I urged people not to sell off their Franklin Mint Commemorative Elvis Plates only to hand the money over to the Oklahoma Republican Party.  The brand spanking new Chairman of the Oklahoma GOP was, at the time, sending around letters to the party faithful informing them that the party was broke…nothing left…zilch in the bank account…the Democrats are about to foreclose.  That “fundraising” letter was leaked to the Oklahoma media who ran with the story like a dog with a frozen dead squirrel in its mouth (hey, my dog runs like a fiend with booty like that). 

Suddenly the former Chair of the Republican Party was being quoted in the media as saying he had no idea what the new Chair was talking about.  There was money remaining when he left.  There were even quotes by Democratic leaders in the state pointing out that Republicans in Oklahoma have an unprecedented lock on the state government and that it was inconceivable to think that the party could possibly be broke.  But, still the New Chair insisted he needed cash or dire things would happen.

After we at CCB reported that information and had polished off an entire bottle of wine thinking about it.  The very next day we came back with some suggestions for ways Republicans in Oklahoma could raise some needed cash.  I suggested in very broad terms that if the Republican Party appeared a bit more friendly toward concepts such marijuana legalization and/or less bombastic with regard to illegal aliens in the state, they might improve their future political outlook not to mention their cigar-box slush fund cash.  Hey!  They were just ideas!

But now…just in the past few days, Mr. New Chairman of the Oklahoma GOP has once again inflamed the masses by spouting stupid rhetoric without thinking before he or someone else pressed “post”. 

Let me just say right now that social media will likely be the downfall of civilization as we know it.

But, I digress…

I mean, I get it.  Being the head of the Oklahoma Republican Party must be a pretty boring job.  You have a lock on the state government that isn’t likely to change anytime soon unless there’s a sudden influx of Democrats into the state.  Democrats like cold high point beer and being able to purchase wine in a grocery store at a reasonable price.  Why the hell would they move here?

So, let’s put ourselves in his shoes (as well as boxer shorts with little red elephants) and imagine YOU’RE the Chair of the Oklahoma Republican Party.  It’s been months since your last controversy.  The fire is out.  No longer is anyone calling for your head on a platter.  You’re tired of flipping a deck of cards into a hat on the floor.  You’re burned out on playing solitaire on the computer day-in and day-out.  Playing mumbley-peg against the summer intern has lost its charm. 

It’s time…oh, yes, it’s time…time to do something really stupid. 

You call together your select group of hip young social media types.  You call your little cabal the HERD (Hip Educated Republican Devotees).  You inform them that you graduated from the Les Aspin School of Media Manipulation.  After you patiently explain who Les Aspin was and why he was the master of getting the media to carry the water for him (despite being a danged Democrat), you launch into your plan.

You tell the HERD to come up with something…anything…that will stir the pot of the Republican majority faithful and hopefully really piss off the Democratic minority of the state.  You point out that’s it’s been a couple of months since your photo was on the front page of The Oklahoman and that “time is a tickin’…we’re burnin’ daylight, boys and girls…let’s drop the fat into the fire!”

It’s about that time that Charles (don’t ever call him Charlie or Chuck!) mentions that he saw something go past him the other day on the web site, Uber-Radical-Conservatism.com.  It was a photo of a sign in a U.S. National Park telling people not to feed the animals as it makes them dependent on handouts and makes it hard for them to live on their own. 

Your brow furrows.  You aren’t sure you understand where he’s headed with this.  But then, the odd-looking blonde at the end of the table whose name you can never recall (Bethany, Tiffany, Hilda…something like that) brings-it-home and ties it all together.  Why not equate the U.S. Government’s signage with providing Food Stamp benefits to those in need. 

The young George Harrison look-a-like in a brown suit with a red bowtie next to you (with the congenital unibrow) pipes up with, “I know, we’ll turn it into a lesson in irony.” 

You slam your hand down onto the conference room table and proclaim, “Excellent!  Excellent indeed! Let’s run with it.”  Before the sun sets on the great state of Oklahoma, your team posts its carefully crafted message to Facebook.  You tuck yourself into bed that night dreaming of your ascension to the position of Chair of the Republican National Committee.  You sleepily toss around ideas in your head for your acceptance speech.  You think of the things you’ll do when you are in charge as you drift toward REM sleep.  You are master of your universe.

Eh, not so much…you awaken the next morning to find every media outlet in Oklahoma and several nationwide asking the same question, “WTF were you thinking?”  Even Republican pols are turning on you.  You hastily draft an “apology” that makes it seem everyone who isn’t on board with your philosophy is a dumbass who simply misinterpreted what you really meant to say.  Once that goes over like a lead balloon, you don’t know what to do.  You can’t issue an apology for the apology so you just decide to let it sit.  In another few months, you’ll do something stupid again.  Back to playing mumbley-peg. 

So it is, this past week with the Head Oklahoma Republican.  Between his ill-conceived missteps and those of his Republican colleagues in the state legislature, it’s a miracle Republicans are still in charge in Oklahoma.  Maybe they should hire me as a consultant.  Oh, sure, I’m a disgruntled Dem, but I’m betting I have the brains to steer them clear of the rocks ahead.

Just sayin’…