The Nephew Sacrifices Himself for Your Entertainment...Be Sure to Thank Him!

It was a wild day yesterday here in NW Oklahoma.  I anticipated as much and did my best to stay out of sight.  I received a call mid-afternoon from the nephew telling me that the truck carrying the 10,000 gallon aquarium dropped it directly in front of the entrance to his place.  He was once again in a panic to get it moved before his wife came home from work that evening.  He indicated that a Woodward County Sheriff’s patrol unit had already stopped and taped a summons on the thing for blocking a county thoroughfare.  As we were talking, the county commissioner for the nephew’s district came rumbling down the road on a county bulldozer.  After a long pause, the nephew told me that he was threatening to push the thing into the ditch and keep pushing until he destroyed it. 

I was weighing options when my phone beeped alerting me to another call.  I saw it was Cousin Fred.  He was calling to say that things in Little Rock were moving too slowly…the Satanists hadn’t yet showed up to drop off the statue.  Apparently, there is a long, drawn-out application process for dumping a demonic statue on the grounds of the State Capitol.  Who knew?  Fred said that he was just outside of Enid and should be here in about 90 minutes.

I told him that there had been a problem with the delivery of his friggin’ aquarium, it was the first time that he knew that I knew what he was up to. 

Them chickens done come home to roost, I reckon… 

I told him about the freight trucker dropping the damned aquarium in front of the nephew’s place, the sheriff’s department decorating it with a summons, and that now a county commissioner was about to demolish the thing with a bulldozer.

He stuttered and stammered a bit, but then just blustered on about how I had always been against him, even we were kids.  He was right, of course, but I wasn’t going to let him move to higher ground.  I countered by telling him that he put the nephew in a really bad position here and he’d damn sure better figure out how to make it all right. 

He said he would get it taken care of and told me to call the nephew to have the county commissioner back off for one hour.  That there was a crane on the way to move the aquarium. 

I asked him where in the world he was going to get a crane on short notice.  He said that he had to go and hung up.

I called the nephew and told him what Cousin Fred had said.  I told him to lay down in front of the bulldozer and not let that pesky county commissioner near the aquarium.  While he was still on the phone, I heard the bulldozer’s engine revving and assumed it was about to destroy the aquarium.  I next heard a grunt as the nephew hit the ground.  After that, the bulldozer’s engine reduced to an idle.  I shouted into the phone that I was on my way over there. 

I didn’t want to miss any of this action…

And, speaking of missing some action…I failed to note something in yesterday’s Woodward News (page 3) that definitely begged coverage in my humble blog.  I’m not sure how I missed it, but today’s online edition of the News was late so I wound up reading yesterday’s paper again. 

For those of you who have been with me for the long haul (all four months of this nonsense), you may recall back in early May I covered (well, re-hashed actually) a story about a woman in Tulsa (the city that holds of honor of having the worst roads in the state…they’re always working on them, but it never seems to finish…it’s why no one ever moves from Tulsa, they can’t get out) who went to the funeral home to view the remains of an acquaintance and proceeded to carve up the corpse’s face after smearing make-up all over it and even (we found out subsequently) cut off a toe and possibly a breast (according to one report).

The weird thing about this is that the news outlets covering this story never seem to agree on any of the details. And the details that they don’t agree on become increasingly bizarre with every telling.  We at CCB were waiting to hear that she actually carved open the abdomen of Dearly Departed, filled her with German potato salad and started a serving line.   

Well, actually I guess saying that Dearly Departed was a friend is kind of a stretch.  She was the ex-girlfriend of Psycho Chick’s current boyfriend (well, I guess he was current then…he’s probably moved on to some new girlfriend by now), though exactly why Psycho Chick went charge crazy hasn’t yet been revealed.  I know I’m simply breathless with anticipation to find out!

It turns out that we had some of the facts of the case wrong.  But given the variety of accounts regarding this, how could we have known?  Seems that Psycho Chick was actually arrested when she broke into Dearly Departed’s apartment and was attempting to make off with a pair of shoes.

Psycho Chick is back in the news because she has just been determined mentally competent to stand trial.  Really?  Who the heck did the evaluation?   Guess I should stop calling her Psycho Chick…eh, noooo…she’s freakin’ nuts.  Course, her attorney is making statements that his client is being tried in the media (she’s guilty I’m tellin’ ya!) and that she deserves to be heard.  Uh huh.  Believe me…I can’t wait to hear her.

She’s being held without bond, which was actually a surprise to me.  Before, reports indicated that she was released on a $20,000 bond.  But, guess what?  Psycho Chick just won’t let it go.  She violated the terms of her bond when she appeared at the apartment building where Dearly Departed’s children were living.  She showed up in a wig and tried to disguise herself, but I suspect people are on the lookout for her.

This trial may be even more entertaining than watching what happens next with Cousin Fred and his Cabinet Saloon Shootout Reenactment underwater. 

Life is good sometimes…you know?