The great pizza heist...Fearless Leader is in Florida, being enigmatic...did we mention pizza?

Happy Saturday everybody! This is your big opportunity to turn off the all-night knife show buried deep in cable television and roll over for a few more zzzzs. I’ll wait patiently while you snooze. (pause) Okay, enough of that, on to the Saturday post.

So, Fearless Leader jetted off for a weekend away at Camp Mar-A-Lago. Hey, good for him! He hasn’t been out of the White House really since Thanksgiving, the last time he visited his Florida golf resort. He deserves a break don’t you think? Uh huh.

I’m betting he ran out of episodes of “Green Acres” and “The Beverly Hillbillies” to watch. There were several seasons of “Get Smart” that he could have binged on, but: 1) he isn’t keen on the intelligence community right now, and; 2) the very title is swimming in irony that is immediately lost on him.

Before his departure for the sunny, warm climes of F.L.A., he hinted to reporters that his declaring an emergency to get the Great Wall of America built will likely become a reality very soon. A reminder, we at CCB told you so! Though, we at CCB, are a bit surprised it’s taken this long. Fearless Leader loves him some suspense, doesn’t he?

He told reporters to listen very carefully to his State of the Union address on Tuesday because it will contain very exciting news. How about that? From the sounds of his enigmatic statement (“Listen very carefully to my otherwise boring patter…you will do as I command!”), we can assume he’ll slip a cleverly disguised statement into the regular speech that the talking media heads will puzzle over for days.

So, America, it’s time to locate, dust off, and oil your Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and await Fearless Leader’s coded message to the masses.

We can’t wait!

Friends, and I’m mostly addressing the males in the audience, when you were in high school what would you have described as your ideal girl? Hmmm?

“Gee, Mr. Robin, I don’t know. I guess it would have been a girl who dressed very conservatively. Respected her parents. Oh, of course, went to church every Sunday. Stayed in Girl Scouts until they had sheriff’s deputies enforce a court-ordered eviction from the troop. Gee, come to think of it, I guess my ideal girl in high school would have grown up to be my wife.”

Uh huh. That’s the answer you’re giving me because your wife is looking over your shoulder as you’re reading this.

Come on, you were in high school. You had zero common sense. You lived in your own weird twisted world few could penetrate. Your ideal girl would do whatever it took to come visit you and bring pizza - lots of pizza, more pizza than you’ve ever seen in one sitting - with her when she visited. Am I right?

Of course, I am. Admit it. Go ahead, the wife isn’t looking now.

Well, that’s pretty much what happened when a fourteen-year-old in Florida (we’ll call her PizzaNut) decided she HAD to go see her boyfriend. Her father (Papa John maybe?) though had other ideas and told her no. Darn parents, they spoil all the fun.

So, she did what any 14-year-old who had been shut down would do. She called the local pizza delivery place and ordered two deluxe pizzas giving her neighbor’s address for delivery.

Pizza dude shows up in 20 minutes or less to deliver the pies to the neighbor. PizzaNut darts out from a nearby clump of shrubbery and steals pizza dude’s car which is filled with other orders for delivery.

Mmmm…stolen pizzas, hot in more than one sense of the word…doesn’t get any better than that.

Pizza dude puts the cops onto the theft almost immediately. One alert officer finds her parked at a local school parking lot. No word on whether she was munching pizza in the car, but with a nom de pie of PizzaNut why wouldn’t she be? As the cop approached the car, she sped off again.

Now there was a police helicopter tracking her along with several sheriff’s units. Maybe she should have thrown some of the pizza out the window of the car, that would almost certainly have thrown them off the trail.

“Yeah, dispatch this is Charlie Foxtrot two niner, I’m in pursuit of a pizza delivery vehicle headed northbound on…PIZZA! PIZZA!”  Next thing, the sheriff's units are up in a tree.

They finally got her stopped about six miles from home. She was taken off to a juvenile detention facility and charged with grand theft auto. Her father said that what she really needed (after jail) was an a** whooping.

Pizza dude gave the cops his remaining pizzas as a reward.

All is well, though the boyfriend is reportedly still waiting for his pizza.

That is all!