Mr. Robin is in a weird mood and you know what that means! It's time for Criminal Enterprise 101a.

It’s Wednesday. Come on, people! We can do this! We’re halfway through the work week. Just another couple of couple of days and you can once again strip to your underwear and sit around on your altogether worn out couch sucking down warm low-point beer from a can and wondering how it is that your life has gone so wrong!

Oh sure, you’ll pretend to be contented for a time. You’ll consider giving it all up to go off and live in the mountains of Colorado, spending your days working as a fishing guide and smoking legal grass and thinking how great life really is and wondering why you didn’t do it sooner.

Sooner? Then it hits you…you’re still stuck in Oklahoma…a state with cruel, antiquated and nonsensical alcohol laws working in a job where, on the owner’s whim, you run out and change the price of no-ethanol unleaded to some new random number. You work toward the weekend, when the vicious cycle starts all over again.

See, that’s why you people read this blog. To gain insights and positivity in your otherwise miserable lives. Spread the news, you cretins…Mr. Robin has all the answers!

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m in a weird mood and in something of a funk. Cousin Fred is still missing. We hit this Friday and it will have been a week that he went charging out of here in Gigi’s Lexus in search of her special self in OKC where the Trump was supposedly holding a “top secret” fundraiser wherein people were allegedly lavishing him with their alleged cash and plotting the political demise of his opponent, the Queen of the Unindicted…(“I know, we’ll give her pneumonia and then have her hug children…that’ll do it!”).

I keep watching the evening news…yes, people my age and older still watch evening network news. I really enjoy the ads for erectile dysfunction pills and overactive bladder solutions and the arthritis pain formulas, all of which apparently can kill you or cause worse physical impairments than whatever the hell was wrong with you in the first place…

But, I digress…

So, I watch the news every evening, fully expecting to hear something of Cousin Fred. I mean, a guy in a half-body cast wearing purple nylon shorts with no underwear and contrasting lime green Crocs is bound to turn up somewhere!

So unless Obama and his ruthless gang of White House thugs have spirited Cousin Fred away to Guantanamo Bay or something, he’s still out there somewhere. Maybe they shipped him to the Philippines where hopefully the president there would greet him without playing, “Yo’ Mama!”

In the meantime, though, there are bigger fish to fry in this here blog.

Friends, as you know, I’m a big fan of criminal enterprise. No, seriously. This is America, the land of free enterprise and expensive damned coffee. In fact, I’ve offered lessons in Criminal Enterprise 101 right here in this blog! Which probably has a lot to do with why the dude in the crap brown sedan is always parked down the road.

On KFOR news last night (thank you thuggish rat bastards at DISH for giving us Ogle1 and the Cav back), there was a story that made me think it was time again for Criminal Enterprise 101a.

Strap in, all you budding punks out there! But first, to set the mood, let’s play the theme from Dragnet, shall we?

It was last Thursday, Edmond, Oklahoma. A school zone filled with children trying to make a future for themselves in an underfunded institution with angry, woefully underpaid teachers and deranged cafeteria workers. Suddenly, a woman comes speeding through the school zone. She’s doing 37mph in a 25mph zone.

In Edmond, Oklahoma, that’s felony reckless. That’s where I come in.
More Dragnet.

Edmond PD pulls over the wannabe (albeit much less beauteous) Danica Patrick. The fresh odor of marijuana virtually wafting from the inside. They release the K-9 (who is obviously not as stupid as my dog). Fido immediately hits on the woman (no, not in that way, you pervs).

In her bra they find a pill bottle with grass. Strapped to her body with ACE bandages, they find still more marijuana. They find marijuana stuffed down her pants.

They also find cash, lots of cash, strapped to her body with ACE bandages. I don’t know about where you live, but in Edmond, Oklahoma that makes her a hot date!

Okay, let’s stop here for the moment. Everyone take a deep breath. Now, then, breathe out…feel better?

It seems Bonnie Parker here is part of some bigger crime ring based out of California wherein the ringsters use fake ID’s and credit cards to get cash from banks and then strap it to their bodies for no particular reason.

Seriously, this whole scenario sounds like an amateurish plot in a Vice Channel drama series. Did our haggard-looking Danica mistake Edmond, Oklahoma for the border of Colombia? WTF? AND, if you’re so concerned about what you’re carrying that you actually strap it all over your body, why then are you smoking weed and speeding through school zones? Maybe you can get away with that sort of fun in California, but this is Oklahoma dammit! The only criminals who get away with anything here are state legislators…oh, and the occasional corporation commissioner.

Cue the Dragnet theme.

Okay, kids, what did we learn here today?
1. Oklahoma is an oppressive police state bent on holding us peasants down.
2. Cousin Fred, he still missing!
3. If you’re going to commit a crime, be cool about it.
4. Stop binge watching reruns of Miami Vice (the 80’s version).
5. Stay the hell out of Edmond, Oklahoma.

That is all!
 

---