Schmooze Trumps all, substance is nothing...fat, stupid and sleep-deprived is no way to go through life.

Good morning. After driving through the night, I’m here at the Keystone Lodge and Spa…all of you regular readers of CCB may recall that there’s only one place to stay in Montezuma (America’s Meanest Town), the city motto of which translated from the Latin is, “We don’t want you here. We don’t need your tax dollars. Now, git!”. But, the proprietor of said place to stay only rents rooms to people who delight in pulling the wings off flies and/or set ants afire with a magnifying glass.

I tell you it wasn’t easy making that drive here, but now I’m wound so tight, I can’t possibly sleep. And, I should be at the Montezuma County courthouse this morning at 9AM to (hopefully) bail out Cousin Fred…but, more on that in a second.

I hit the eastern slopes of the Rockies around 10:30PM. There is a lot of activity by CDOT to get repairs and construction done before the ski season kicks off. In between the work zones and the up and down of the road as it hugged the terrain, I began to hallucinate. I kept telling myself that with each downhill, I was descending deeper into a hellish abyss, likely to never find my way out. I don’t actually remember pulling into Keystone. I have no memory of that last 50 miles.

Oh yes, Cousin Fred.

So, I get here and managed to get checked into my room where I dropped my bags. I was a bit peeved, as I had been trying to call him since somewhere in central Kansas, but to no avail.

I went to his room and banged on the door. No answer. That’s when I remembered the community hot tub up on the roof. I grabbed a beer from the minibar praying that I would sleep again someday. I headed up to the roof, figuring that Cousin Fred and the Francesca were up there.

I found the Francesca. She was in the hot tub along with six other women ranging in age from probably late-twenties to early-fifties. None was wearing tops.

The Francesca gleefully introduced me to our talent for the upcoming season of Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed. I politely greeted everyone and asked the Francesca if we were casting any men. She giggled and said that Cousin Fred told her there wouldn’t be any pole dancing going on this season.

I was trying to sort that comment (and logic) through my addled sleep-deprived brain when a new direction for the conversation came up. Where the hell is Cousin Fred?

I soon learned that Cousin Fred is in the Montezuma County jail, which is located in Cortez. Yep, the town of Montezuma is so mean that they located the Montezuma County seat SIX hours away in the city of Cortez.

And, then I learn that he has a bail hearing at 9AM. I looked at my watch and figured I could just make it if I drove on through the night. That’s when I really began to feel sleepy. The beer and high altitude were taking their toll on me.

I did manage to ask her how Cousin Fred came to be arrested. It seems he had the Francesca drive him over to Montezuma and drop him off at one of the trailheads there. Because the town won’t allow outsiders to park anywhere inside the city limits, she dropped him off and drove about two miles outside of town where the state had thoughtfully put in a lot and marked it Tourist Parking.

It seems she dropped him off at the trailhead along with one of our video cameras. He was apparently standing at the entrance to the trail and asking people coming down the mountain or going up the mountain if they’d like to be seen on television chasing Bigfoot up and down the mountain while naked. The entire time, he was filming their reactions, which I’m sure pissed off a lot of people.

Finally, he asked the wrong bunch. Someone called the sheriff’s office and had him arrested for being a pervert with a camera in Montezuma…probably a capital offense in America’s Meanest Town.

The Francesca returned to the trailhead at the appointed time, but found Cousin Fred cuffed and seated on the ground. She said the deputy seized the camera as evidence. They were waiting for the Law Wagon - a converted bus used to drive offenders from all over Montezuma County back to the jail in Cortez.

I stumbled back to my room and worried for a bit about what I was going to have to do to free Cousin Fred. It would have to wait, my brain had turned to Jell-O.

Still, I was kind of wired and knew sleep would be impossible. I looked at my phone to get a newsfeed from KFOR in Oklahoma City.

I was bit surprised to find an article regarding the latest exploits of Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin. Although, come to think of it, I’m not sure why I was surprised…oh, right my brain was Jell-O.

It seems that HRH made an announcement on Facebook that She is standing by the Trump even if he is a misogynistic egotist with a narcissistic disorder. She went on to say that while his comments on the leaked lewd tape offended HRH, She is equally offended by the Queen of the Unindicted.

My goodness, HRH wants a new job and is schmoozing to get one. Hey, maybe the Trump, if elected, will appoint Her as a Federal judge. No…wait…I’m don’t think HRH is even a lawyer. Oh, who cares? If the Trump installs himself as America’s first benevolent dictator, he can do whatever he wants.

Okay, enough of that nonsense, must get some sle
 

---