 Good morning everybody! Cousin Fred and I are coming to you live from the Cuyahoga Suite of the Ritz-Carlton in smoky downtown Cleveland. Well, at least I’m live. I’ve not seen Cousin Fred since – I dunno – maybe 2:30AM when he was stumbling through the crowd here asking if anyone could spare a DNA test kit. He’s convinced himself that he is related to The Trump and he’s looking for confirmation.
This too, hopefully, shall pass. It’s now 4AM and I’ve just bid the final conventioneer adieu for the night. As for our handler, the virginal vegan Brooklyn Hodensack, I’ve not seen her since about 10PM last night when she went off to her private bedroom here in the suite and slammed the door. She did that following a visit by the RNC’s media relations guy who informed me that they’re rescinding the press credentials of Southern Living magazine, a move reportedly precipitated by my actions on the convention floor yesterday. Allow me to explain… The convention opened yesterday and unlike a lot of my media colleagues I chose to be down on the floor as opposed to up in the press suite above the floor with its open bar and catered buffet. Stupid me. I was in the thick of the crowd when the little guy at the podium attempted to get a vote on the rules of the convention and utter chaos broke out. The Anti-Trumpers were there and very vocal. They wanted to move things to a state-by-state roll call in an attempt to derail the presumptive nominee’s bullet train to formal nomination. Following the first attempt to get a vote, the little guy at the podium left the stage for several minutes only to return and attempt a second vote. Honestly, the nays pretty much matched the ayes on the second vote, but still the little guy at the podium declared the ayes had it and the rules stood approved as written. The floor immediately erupted into a cacophony of savage calls for the head of the little guy at the podium on a stick. In the middle of it all, I took a call from Cousin Fred who was watching from the Cuyahoga Suite. He said that it sounded to him as though the nays edged out the ayes. Hoping to see the place descend into a riot (makes for better writing). I immediately began working the Anti-Trumpers telling them that my sources outside of the convention hall were telling me that the fix is in. A small melee of Anti-Trumpers soon broke out near the back of the room. Most of those involved were on their way out anyway, figuring that it was all but hopeless and that any attempt to stop The Trump’s nomination was doomed. RNC thugs quickly moved those individuals out of the Q and into the street, seizing their convention passes in the process. I managed to slip out one of the side entrances, thus avoiding the general roundup and subsequent expulsion of the renegade Anti-Trumpers. What those opening moments of an otherwise carefully scripted and staged event really lay bare is the fact that there is still much disagreement within the party as to whom their nominee should be. But, it now appears that they’re stuck with The Trump, for better or worse. Today’s formal roll call for the nomination of The Trump as the GOP’s no kidding candidate could still erupt into pandemonium. Stay tuned, sports fans, we haven’t cleared rough seas quite yet. I’ve assured our virginal vegan Hodensack that it’s not that big of a deal that I’m now a journalist in exile (frankly, I wear it as a badge of honor). We can continue to cover the convention, but we’ll be doing it from the suite. I told her that Cousin Fred and I have covered countless other events in the past without ever leaving the hotel room. It’s the real advantage of being in print media. You don’t have to be in the middle of the action. You just need HD televisions turned to various news outlets. No problemo. And, in the evening we can get firsthand details of the actual floor action from the partying conventioneers here in the suite. It’s a sweet suite set up! Soon thereafter she locked herself away for the evening. She’ll emerge soon enough, I suppose, yelling at me about why I’m not writing. I’ll try to distract her by sending her out to find another four large TV’s so we can monitor events as they unfold. The remainder of The Trump’s entourage is set to arrive today, which means Gigi will be near. Cousin Fred will likely turn up before that happens before once again disappearing. Well, I’ll close this out now. I need to make arrangements for the breakfast buffet to be set up here in the suite. I invited all of the GOP vanquished to the room this morning for a bit of breakfast since no one will be picking up their meal expenses from now on. Comments are closed.
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