Rule #12 - local law enforcement will do quality testing on contraband, but there's a catch...

Friends, welcome to July 5. If you’re reading this post it means you survived another onslaught of cerebral overload in the form of a high-dollar firework display last night. Congratulations.  

Perhaps you spent the evening watching on television the festivities on the National Mall along with The Trump. If you did that you are likely in a better shape this morning at least from a neurologic standpoint. You could simply turn down the volume. But, that was yesterday, this is today.

July 5 marks observance of National Kiss a Meth Head Day (I can’t possibly make this crap up!). I know, it’s a little known national day, but one that appears to be gaining in popularity right up there with other July 5th observances such as National Bikini Day, National Apple Turnover Day, and, of course, National Graham Cracker Day.

So, come on America! Let’s get out there, find your favorite meth head and give he or she a big ol’ smooch to let them know they aren’t forgotten. Hmmm…well, maybe just blow them a kiss from a block away…just to be really safe.

Work today? Nah, not with National Kiss a Meth Head Day! Your boss will understand. Across America people will curl up on couches and binge watch all five seasons of “Breaking Bad” and think, I could do that!

Talk shows on TV will spend their airtime delving into the trials and tribulations of methamphetamine addiction. Talk show host: “So tell our studio audience, Benjy (9 out of 10 meth heads are named Benjy – again, I can’t make that up), do you make your own product? Or do you buy from local suppliers?” Ooohs, aaahs, and knowing nods from the studio audience. Meth head: “Well, (fill in talk show host name here, they’re kind of random), while I have been known to get high on my own supply…” Genuine canned laughter from studio audience. “…I also like to support our local drug dealers by purchasing product from them. You know, keep it local and help the economy keep moving.” Approval applause from the studio audience.

And in the biggest scheme of things, it’s the meth heads who suffer the most in our society really. I mean, you’ll likely never see a state question on the ballot to legalize medical meth. Am I right? So, meth heads really suffer from a stigma regarding their choice of vice. They are forced to take their production underground, or at least under bridges because law enforcement takes a very dim view of their activities (go figure).

It’s not an easy life if you’re a meth head. Your teeth fall out, you age a hundred years in a few months, and then wind up living on the street carrying your pizza-eating chihuahua-mix dog named Fifi in your arms as you wander the streets.

And, then, there’s the rip-offs. You’re always a target when you’re a meth head. Take for instance the poor stupid soul in Florida (note actual mug shot) who felt certain that his dealer had ripped him off on the chemical quality of the product he bought.

Being an informed, savvy consumer, said meth head, we’ll call him Idiot Tweeker (IT to his friends), decided he wanted his purchase tested. That way, with evidence in hand, he could confront his dealer about said dealer’s quality assurance practices, file a formal complaint with said dealer’s customer service reps, and, hopefully obtain a refund.

Very ambitious of IT, don’t you think (not to mention, delusional)?

But where oh where to have the product properly tested? Wait, IT thought to himself, I have it! The sheriff’s office is always bragging about their ability to determine drug purity on the news. I’ll go them, IT says to himself. But, wait, IT thought, will that get me in trouble? Maybe I should call them first!

Yeah, that’s the ticket!

So, IT calls the local sheriff’s office and speaks with an empathetic detective (we’ll call him, ED) who said he understood IT’s dilemma completely. IT stressed that he wished to have the product tested and if it came up as being of poor quality he wanted to “press charges” against the dealer for selling bad contraband.

ED told IT to come on into the sheriff’s office and be sure to bring the product for testing. IT drove straight there…well almost straight there…he stopped at the local Sonic Drive-in for a Route 44 Cherry Limeade first (low-quality meth gives one a powerful thirst).

Upon arrival, ED tested the product for IT and declared it meth and, then promptly arrested IT for possession of a narcotic.

IT was released the next day on a $2,500 bond.

The sheriff’s office posted IT’s mugshot and report of the arrest on their Facebook page offering, “Remember, our detectives are always ready to assist anyone who believes they were misled in their illegal drug purchase.”

Queue the theme from Dragnet!
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That is all!
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