Robin's Illegitimate Son is a Chip off the Old Block...

Friends, have you ever read the “Woodward Police, Fire Reports” in the Woodward News (whose motto taken from the Latin is “your business is our business”), whenever they feel like publishing them?  Okay, actually they’ve been pretty good about it lately…exposing Cosmic City’s seamy underbelly on a weekly basis.  I believe I’ve commented before what a freak parade our favorite NW Oklahoma town can really be!

Oh sure…there’s the usual traffic stops often based 10 minutes apart in the reports.  City has to make some dough somehow.  Without the revenue from making people’s lives just a bit more miserable, I guess the city mangler (sic) would have to start extorting cash from children under the age of 10 if they want to put their bicycles on the mean streets of Woodward in order for him to pay for more “beautification” projects for downtown.  Here’s a hint, pal…there’s little traffic downtown because everyone is using Oklahoma Ave as a by-pass.  Do you ever get up from your desk and go outside?

But then, interspersed among the traffic stops are some real gems that deserve a closer look and a decided “huh?”  I’ve taken the liberty (thank you, Woodward News) of citing some of the juicier tidbits from yesterday’s (9/16) paper (insert theme from “Dragnet” here).  Oh, and I’ve added my unseemly and unsolicited commentary in bold.

Friday, September 11:

2:20AM – Vandalism report, person punched passenger side window out of car.  Wow…now that is a manly man/woman.  Seriously, they make tools for punching out car glass in an emergency that includes a 440 steel spike!  Well, this perpetrator wasn’t hard to find.  He’s/she’s the one that showed up at the emergency room of Woodward Regional Hospital (or whatever the hell they call it now) with a fist the size of a cantaloupe and all the firmness of a bag of water.  

7:36AM – Kitten needs to be picked up.  Huh?  And what would you have the police do with said alleged kitten?  I obviously missed something here.

12:50PM – Person at station to make larceny report on brother’s phone being stolen.  Again, huh?  So why didn’t the brother come in to make his own report.  I’m wondering if the person at the station had something to do with his brother’s phone’s disappearance and he’s trying to cover his tracks.

1:02PM – Person said someone is in her house holding her front door shut.  Ah ha!  Note the close proximity of time.  Mystery solved.  I bet it’s the brother whose phone was stolen!  That’s why he didn’t make his own report to the police…he was busy!

2:44PM – Person needed animal control to come by and get raccoon out of cage.  Now there’s a genuine 911 emergency if ever I’ve heard one.  Hint, raccoon cager…open the door to the cage. 

4:38PM – Person reporting a brown dog showed up on his property and it was not being very friendly.  Uh huh.  Okay, so a stray dog shows up at your door and you’re going report it as not being very friendly.  Here’s a hint…STAY INSIDE!  The police are on their way…they have nothing better to do!  Sheesh!

<okay, replay the theme from “Dragnet” cuz it’s about to get really freaky>

Saturday, September 12:

1:10PM – Report of person wearing a cape and feathers in his hair and acting strangely, area around 9th and Oklahoma.  Hmmmm…okay, first of all, this earns our FREAK OF THE WEEK Award!  Now, let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on here, shall we?  It could be: 1) Woodward News is located on the northwest corner of that intersection.  Perhaps it’s the News’ editor who has finally tipped over the edge and has gone home to Jerome (probably after editing one too many police reports); 2) City offices (including the police station) are located on the NE corner of that intersection.  Perhaps it’s the city mangler (sic) trying to raise money for more well-thought-out civic projects by jumping out into traffic and holding people up as they wait too long for uncontrolled traffic lights to change color (psssst…police dispatcher…get up out of your chair and go see what’s going on); 3) Walgreens drug store is on the SW corner of that intersection.  Maybe our caped, feathered crusader is waiting for his psychotropic prescription to be filled…hurry pharmacist, hurry; or, 4) this is my illegitimate son…honestly, this sounds like some of the weird crap I used to do.  I don’t recall wearing feathers in my hair though the cape and acting strangely is definitely some Robin DNA.

11:25PM – Pickup driving slowly through area, pulling into alley, shutting lights off, then driving off again.  Let’s see…late night on a Saturday.  It would be interesting to know if there is a teenage girl living somewhere in the vicinity of where Batman Junior is prowling about.  I’m betting the driver of the pickup is probably making rounds while texting, “…I’m right behind your house.  Come out…”

Monday, September 14: 

1:49PM – Person threatening to destroy items that were stolen if she doesn’t get $1,000.  Seriously?  Extortion?  Wonder what the stolen items were?  And did the extortionee pay off the extortioner?  Too little information to properly comment here.

Let’s be careful out there!