Robin Reveals THE Universal Truth...Write This Down!

Devoted readers, I welcome you to the Tuesday edition of Cosmic City Blog.  Today, I will reveal the one, the only Universal truth you need to know to get through life unscathed if you only repeat the mantra I will reveal to you later. 

I’ve done a lot of traveling over the years…more than most other people…sixty-nine countries in total…nearly died in Pakistan (never going back).  During all those years of traveling, I discovered the one immutable truth which I have turned into what I call the Universal truth. 

More on that later…but prepare to have your life altered.

Things here around the compound are starting to pick up speed.  It turns out Cousin Fred has friends who work for the production staff of QVC.  Why is that important, you ask?  Well, these friends owe him favors.  Those are the best kind of friends to have, gentle readers.  And no, that’s not the immutable Universal truth…that’s coming.  Sit down.

This is important because Cousin Fred got his QVC pals to get us a segment on the channel to sell our jalapeno-flavored Buffalo Chips snacks during prime time.  Wow…Cousin Fred must have pics or even better moving pics on some of them in compromising positins or something.  Oh, just in case you’re interested in tuning in…prime time for QVC is a five-hour period from 10AM (Oklahoma time) until 3PM when they normally hawk housewares to homebodies.

As I pointed out to Cousin Fred, that’s all well and good, but we haven’t worked out the packaging yet.  Not to be dissuaded, Cousin Fred contacted another friend of his on the West Coast who is a “print broker”…America is a great place, you can make money doing anything (No, that’s not the immutable Universal truth either, stop bugging me!). 

It seems that a print broker is a person you go to when you have an urgent or really unusual printing project that no one else will touch.  For example, let’s say that you manufacture vapes…and you want your state motto emblazoned along the stem, but it has to be in a special environmentally-friendly ink…you need a print broker. 

I have to admit, Cousin Fred adding the jalapeno flavoring to the caramel covered hedge apple slices was a great touch.  The jalapenos disguise the bitter taste of the hedge apples as well as blister the snacker’s tongue.  It’s win-win I’m telling you!

Even the wife is starting to crack the bedroom door and speak to me in whispers. 

Yes sir, things are looking up here at the compound.

And, speaking of looking up, nyuk, nyuk…

I came across an article this morning on the Huffington Post web site that prompted me to pass along my personal wisdom on what makes up the singular, immutable Universal truth that I will share at the end of this post.

It seems there was this guy in Apple Valley, California (but, hey it could have as easily been Camargo, Oklahoma) who decided to burglarize an auto parts store. 

Gee, Apple Valley…now doesn’t that sound like a pleasant place to live.  Where people get along.  Where there’s only one Taserless policeman and that’s because without him there would be no one to lead the Apple Valley Happy Happy Happy Parade each spring.  Smell the air…ain’t it grand to live in Apple Valley?  Eh, not so much…

So the guy breaks in to the store and gathers a lot of merchandise in his arms.  Hey, his car broke down.  What’s he gonna do?  Pay for stuff?  He appears on the store’s surveillance cameras with armloads of car parts AND…get ready for this…two maxi-pads taped to his head and pulled low over his eyes as a fiendishly clever disguise. 

Now for those of you confirmed bachelors who know not of what I speak, we’ll give you a few minutes to Google “maxi-pads.” Hmmm….hmmm…hmmm.  Okay, they’re back now and suitably blushing.

So, I will admit, if you look at the photos taken from the tapes, he might have pulled this off (the robbery, not the pads), but our Maxi-Pad Bandit’s (as the locals are calling him) plan had one HUGE flaw. 

He’s an idiot. 

It seems before he actually broke into the place, he walked up to the front window to see if anyone was in the store…without his fiendishly clever disguise in place.  So now, the Apple Valley’s finest (all one of him) have Mr. Bandit’s full face on tape and know who he is.  Oh…he also forgot to cover his tats when he was wearing the disguise so they have those on camera too.  What a dumbass.  OH…and when the cop arrested said alleged Bandit, he (the cop…there’s only one…keep up people) found the maxi-pads used in the robbery.

Now aren’t you glad you read this posting.  How else would you have known about this?   Learn nothing from this dumbass all you budding criminal wannabes…learn nothing.

There was a song by a band called The Refreshments in the 90’s called, “Banditos”…cool song.  The hook in the song, was “…everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people…”

Amen…there is your one immutable Universal truth…the world is FULL of stupid people.

So, everyone here is your mantra…repeat after me…

The World Is Full Of Stupid People

Okay, say that three times when someone offends you or you’re watching the presidential debates on TV (works wonders for that too).

You’ll feel better about yourself, because you’re obviously smarter than everyone else otherwise you wouldn’t be looking down your nose at them and saying that.  See how this works?

You can thank me later.

I think I’ll go out on a speaking tour.