Robin Manages to Offend Just About Everyone...must be Wednesday!

Good morning everybody! Still another posting of this Blog coming at you live and in living color from the Compound. Okay actually it’s too dark outside for living color. Can’t get enough, can you?

I’m in a lot of pain this morning in my back and am hobbling around here like a really old man. Didn’t help that I had to make a speed of light run to OKC yesterday to fetch Cousin Fred out of the Oklahoma County jail.

It seems that Cousin Fred got caught up in the fervor surrounding Oklahoma statehood day on Monday, particularly as I was rehearsing my part for the wedding between Miss Indian Territory and Mr. Oklahoma on Monday morning at Highland Park school. I played the part of a Baptist preacher. By the way, I’ll be signing autographs at the gates of the compound today from 9AM to noon. You can’t miss me…I’ll be the guy on the medical gurney alongside the road. The Wife will be only too happy to roll my disabled butt out there.

But, enough of my misery…

So, Cousin Fred got it in his head that he would do his own reenactment of the Oklahoma Land Run on the palace grounds on N. Lincoln Blvd.

Guess it never occurred to him that the two events (Land Run and Statehood Day) were nearly two decades apart and that his actions might be misinterpreted.

And, they were. Eh, he’s from western Arkansas, how could he know?

I noticed Cousin Fred wasn’t around Monday morning, but didn’t think much of it.

It seems that he drove down to the OKC metro area in the pre-dawn hours. Police were able to piece together his movements from surveillance (spy) cams around the city.

At 0500 he stopped at the Polar Donut Shop on North Meridian where he loaded up on chocolate donuts and (according to the police report) mass quantities of heated caffeinated beverages. He left Polar Donuts with a sack full of something…bet it was donuts. He ran into a nearby convenience store where he purchased a four-pack of Full Throttle Energy Drink…whose motto translated from the jittery Latin is “You’ll never F---ING sleep again!”

His next stop was Lake Hefner where (according to police reports) “alleged perpetrator was able to load one of the Hefner Canal goats into the front of said perp’s vintage Ford Bronco he allegedly calls Brutus.”
Uh huh, probably lured the goat into Brutus with a chocolate donut.

OKC Police have video of the Bronco careening down the I-44 with the goat sitting on the passenger seat and munching something...bet it was chocolate donuts…and Cousin Fred hunched over the wheel with a can of Full Throttle in one hand.

His movement along I-44 was witnessed by several motorists even though rush hour wasn’t completely on. Several Baptists called into 911 saying there was a Satan worshipper with Baphomet seated at his right hand moving through the city. You could hear these callers talking over their conversations with 911 dispatchers, saying “Satan, get behind me!” whenever Cousin Fred tried to pass them.

The Archdiocese of Oklahoma City called for an emergency exorcism. Now all of the OKC media outlets are on the hunt for the alleged Satanist and his lil buddy, Mr. Goat (aka, Baphomet).

OKC PD deployed several units out to hunt Cousin Fred and his alleged goat idol, a Hefner Canal goat in a chocolate donut stupor (hey, we’ve all been there). OCPD was unsuccessful in locating Brutus…bet, they broke off the hunt when it go too close to their own donut and magazine break at the local 7-Eleven.  
KFOR (aka, News Channel 4) was working it hard. Kent Ogle kept going to the Bob Moore Chopper 4 in the sky for updates, but the News 4 chopper dude wasn’t having any luck finding the alleged Satan Mobile. Kent then turned to 4Warn Storm Team hottie, Emily Sutton, who informed viewers how the current barometric pressure in the OKC metro area would affect goat flatulence.

Kent Ogle with a very serious look on his mug stared into the camera and in a very serious tone asked Emily if that would apply to demonic goats as well.

Emily looked confused.

So, now it’s 0900 and everyone has lost track of Cousin Fred and the goat. KFOR and all of the other media outlets went back to their usual morning fare. The Archdiocese of OKC took credit for ridding the metro area of Satan worshippers, all seemed well.

And then…

The Bob Moore Chopper 4 spots something while circling an accident…a man (allegedly Cousin Fred) riding the back of a goat (allegedly the Hefner Canal goat) straight down N. Lincoln Blvd.

Cousin Fred was waving an old sweat-stained cowboy hat over his head and screaming “Waaaaaa-hoo!”  Tucked into the top of his boot was a stick with a yellow flag. There was another stick with a chocolate donut at the end that was in the goat’s field of vision.

They were headed for the State Capitol...er, Palace!

At that moment, Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin had stepped out onto the balcony outside her palace office, fantasizing about addressing throngs of her subjects on the palace grounds after stripping a Democratic legislator naked and having he/she flogged to the delight of the gathered crowd. 

Suddenly, she spots what she thinks is a goat with a man on its back coming toward the palace on a dead run. She stands riveted, unable to move (hey, it’s not every day you see something like that!).

Cousin Fred charges right up next to the building, hops off the goat and drives the stake with the yellow flag into the ground. He stands holding his hat over his heart and declares, “Someday, there’ll be churches and schools in this here land!”

At that moment a piece of the palace dome came loose and hit Cousin Fred in the head, knocking him unconscious. Palace guards took turns Tasering him for fun.

The goat in the meantime is racing around the palace grounds trying to catch that darned donut in front of its face.

I was able to raise bail for Cousin Fred out for $500. I put Hellkat One’s trailer up as collateral (oh, the irony). His trial date is in March sometime…they’re still trying to figure out what to charge him with. Hopefully, it’ll all just go away.

Oh, but he does have a no-contact order that prevents him from coming within 200 miles of HRH. Just another day at the compound.

Sigh.