Robin makes some wild-ass predictions...

Happy New Year and Happy Monday morning to everybody! Welcome to the new and improved (at least in my humble opinion) Cosmic City Blog. We’re starting the year with a new Facebook page (now I’m able to disassociate this damned blog from my personal Facebook page), a new email system (so your hate emails can definitely find their way to our hands – [email protected] – hate away faithful readers, hate away), and a new product offering in the form of a daily podcast (uh huh…we’ll see how long that lasts, I’m still trying to figure out the technology).

Actually, if I had half a brain I would have started working on the new and improved CCB a month ago, but nooooooo. At any rate, let me know what you think at [email protected].

Since we’re at the start of the New Year, I thought I would share with you, my dedicated blogees (all four of you, by last count – it goes up and down depending on the Brother-in-Law’s moods), my earnest predictions for the coming year. Ready?

Earnest Prediction #1: The Trump wins the GOP nomination for president. But it’s only by a slender margin of victory attained after the Trump hires a squad of thugs to do his convention backroom “convincing” of the Republican leadership that the Trump is the most winnable candidate they got. Go ahead, tell me you didn’t see this coming. But wait, this is a two for one prediction, because I also predict that part of the deal he cuts is that he’ll take Ted Cruz as his running mate. Cruz will want nothing to do with it, so I predict Mr. Ted will pack his bags and head back to his native Canada. O’ Canada!

Earnest Prediction #2: The U.S. economy collapses setting off a domino effect of world economies imploding ultimately leading to the total collapse of western civilization as we know it. Okay, actually I don’t think that will really happen…there’s too many safeguards in place (I hope) for that to become a reality. Still, on the off chance…this is why I live on a fortified compound on the western edge of Woodward County. Unclean hordes need not apply!

Earnest Prediction #3: The city manager of Cosmic City is soundly criticized after he hires consultants who advise him to raise city revenues by fining anyone who utters the name Temple Houston in any context other than what he actually was…a flawed hero (don’t even get me started). Okay, that probably won’t happen either. Though the City Manager is always looking for new streams of revenue and seems to have a particular talent for hiring consultants who get paid from the revenue they bring in. Now, THAT is genius. I’m in the wrong line of work. Maybe I should give up this blog gig and become Super Consultant! I’ll work as a masked man finding legal loopholes that allow me to raise revenues on the backs of the citizens of Cosmic City.

Earnest Prediction #4: The crime rate in Cosmic City will soar to the point that the FBI puts it above Detroit in terms of America’s most crime ridden cities per capita. Consider what happened outside of the Peppermint Lounge just before Christmas and the post-Christmas rash of car burglaries, now forever known respectively as the “Shootout at the Peppermint Lounge” and the “Gallop Through the Glove Boxes”. Temple Houston would be so proud!  The weird irony here is that while the local economy has all but tanked, which in turn drives up the crime rate as people become more desperate with their own circumstances, the trickledown effect is that with the economy so bad and disposable city money so hard to come by the city can’t hire more police to patrol the mean streets. See how this works? And, you’re still wondering why I would live on a fortified compound on the western edge of Woodward County?   

Earnest Prediction #5: I saw somewhere that nearly 2/3 of the sitting Congress is up for reelection in 2016. I predict that they all get voted out of office, mostly for their utter lack of doing anything productive and are replaced by a new gang of idiotic unemployed/underemployed morons with whacky ideas about governance. That, I give a better than 70% chance of happening.   

Earnest Prediction #6: I was quoted in the daily local periodical that won’t allow me to admit I work there as predicting two events in 2016. One was that Elvis would return from the dead…Zombie Elvis…“Uh huh huh.” The second was the Oklahoma legislature will finally get off their collective zombie-like asses and reform the state’s antiquated, seemingly arbitrary, and all around nonsensical liquor laws so that those of us who choose to do so can purchase jugs of cheap red wine at Walmart WHEN WE DAMNED WELL FEEL LIKE DOING SO! My well-meaning colleague at the daily local periodical who wrote that story and quoted me kind of messed up though. She indicated that the legislature reforming the state’s version of prohibition was more likely to happen than ‘E’ returning from the dead. I’m not so sure.

By the way, I wonder how many of the idiots on North Lincoln Blvd in Oklahoma City are up for reelection this year? Maybe this will be the year of the blogger!

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