Robin is Trying to Make the World a Safer Place for Us All...By Killing the Things That Scare the Crap Out of Him!

Throughout the course of this blog, I’ve made no secret of my personal deep-seated aversion to things that go bump in the night.  Specifically: rats, bats, and snakes top my list of those creatures best stayed away from.  The problem is, the compound is smack dab in the heart of rat, bat, and snake territory. 

And these things seem to seek me out…take, for instance, the photo below as evidence.  I was standing in a pasture near the compound in early September when I happened to look down and see a man-eating bull snake (pituophis catenifer sayi for you egg-headed snake lovers…creeps that you are) passing near my feet.  Obviously (and fortunately), said snake was in a hurry to get somewhere (hopefully away from me) so our encounter was brief. 



Despite having a weapon on my belt, I was faster with the iPhone camera than I was the gun.  Guess I’m getting old and weird…there was a time when I would simply have started blasting.  Instead I managed to shoot a pic and then run out of there screaming like a 12-year-old girl. 

Someone needs to develop an iPhone app that would fire a laser and set dangerous reptiles on fire.  Note to self…start an app development project. 

I moved here from Virginia where it is (and I’m NOT making this part up) illegal to kill snakes.  Seriously.  I know of an instance where a home owner came home (it’s what homeowners do) to find an eastern diamondback rattlesnake coiled up in front of his door.  Said homeowner quickly dispatched said snake and then made the mistake of calling animal control to notify them that there were venomous snakes lurking about.  Soon thereafter he was arrested for his “villainous” act (of bravery).   That’s when I learned that, for whatever reason, it is illegal to kill snakes in Ol’ Virginny.  Go figure.  I guess the old three-S rule would apply there…shoot, shovel, and shut-up.

It was also in Virginia where I made the life-altering, traumatic mistake of attending an outdoor blues concert one summer.  As we sat in lawn chairs listening to music, I began to notice something diving at the heads of people around me.  I soon realized that I had only to look straight up to see that said somethings were also diving at my head.  Turns out, they were bats!  A local leaned over to inform me that the bats were really diving for the mosquitoes above our heads.  Bullsh*t!  I’d almost rather suffer the West Nile Virus than let furry flying rabid rodents make dive bombing runs on my cabeza!  Again, I ran from the site after muttering to my host that I just realized I had forgotten my underwear (it’s also illegal in Virginia to go commando – okay, that part I made up…almost no one in Virginia wears undies…except maybe Baptist preachers on Sundays).

I considered raising chickens for eggs here at the compound, but then I recalled my father’s tales of fighting bull snakes for eggs in the hen house when he was a kid.  I’ll let the good folks at United Supermarkets fight the snakes for eggs. 

Apparently, this creepy crawly thing is indelibly etched in my DNA.  My sister, for example, is terrified (that word somehow really doesn’t do justice to her level of fear) of spiders.  Always has been.  Every night before she would go to bed, someone had to go in to inspect her bedroom for any arachnoids that might be lying in wait to pounce on her as she slept. 

Fortunately, for me, fear of spiders has never really been a major concern.  Very fortunately, in fact…can you imagine the damage you would do in the house firing 9mm slugs at a spider crawling up a wall?

I recently came across an article on the Huffington Post web site that described an encounter between a woman and spider with disastrous consequences. 

Seems our alleged victim was backing her American-made vehicle out of her driveway in Indiana when she noticed a spider on her shoulder.  This poor woman smartly threw open her door and leapt out onto the ground with the vehicle still rolling backwards.  She’s a panicked genius, I’m tellin’ ya!

The woman’s 9-year-old son moved from the backseat in an attempt to hit the brakes and stop the car, but instead hit the gas pedal propelling the vehicle into the street where it hit a passing school bus. 

Fortunately, there were no passengers on the bus.  The bus driver was not injured.  Our 9-year-old Jeff Gordon suffered minor head damage and was taken to the hospital. 

Let’s review, shall we?  What have we learned today?

1) Always pack a weapon and an iPhone.  You never know when you’ll next have to shoot your way out of a snake den and can shoot video of your demise if the weapon misfires.

2) Always remember the three-S rule…shoot, shovel, shut-up.

3) The only good snake is a dead snake.

4) Bats belong in caves, not in your hair…oh, and mosquitoes are our friends.

5) Spray down the inside of your car with spider poison before starting it every morning. 

6) Stay the hell out of Indiana…seriously, stay away.