Robin is Only Too Happy to Advise You How to Spend Your Lottery Winnings!

Let me start this by pre-qualifying myself…I am not a rich man.  I am, however, very capable and altogether thrilled to spend someone else’s money…kind of like the morons at 2300 North Lincoln Blvd in Oklahoma City.  Yeah, I don’t know exactly where my money goes.  I’m really a man of few vices and those that I do have are relatively harmless.  There are the after-market parts for my motorcycle, like my new helmet with Bluetooth speakers built into the thing, oh and it comes with a Blue-Ray DVD player that projects video onto the visor.  There is the occasional trip to the racetrack…love them thoroughbreds.  Then there’s my favorite vice of all, my daughter, who seems to keep switching majors to ensure she’ll finish college long after I’m dead.  Oh, and then there’s the lottery. 

I know, I know, it’s a fool’s game, but so what?  They have to give the money to someone…right?  Plus, supposedly the state’s cut goes to education here in the state…uh huh.  Even though the morons in the state legislature can’t seem to fund pay raises for our educators without raiding the teacher’s pension funds.  I’ll bet that money goes to the Oklahoma Attorney General for his “evidence fund” whatever the hell that is. 

So when I saw that rabid pack of lemmings otherwise known as the Oklahoma media go into a frenzy over the mystery of the individual who won $2 million playing PowerBall two weeks ago, I thought I should weigh in.  The media is just aghast that no one has yet stepped forward to claim the prize, as evidenced in an article published on the NewsOK.com site.

Actually, I’m kind of wondering that myself…why the person hasn’t come forward by now.  It’s only a $2 million win.  Honestly, $2 million isn’t that much money nowadays.  Seriously, I’ll bet presidential-hopeful Trump spends that much having the string mop atop his skull coiffed on a daily basis.

Hopefully, our mysterious lotto winner, we’ll call him/her McCash for purposes of this posting isn’t hiring a “consultant” – an attorney and/or financial advisor - to tell them how to “manage” their winnings. 

“Okay, Mr. and Mrs. McCash, the first line item on my recommendations for managing your new wealth is for you to sign a check to me for my consulting fee.  I’m only asking for 30%, a discount from my usual fee of 40% because I like you.”

I mean, okay, I get it.  If I had won that $475 million PowerBall two years ago, I would likely have hired someone too.  Not necessarily for consultation, but a bodyguard to keep the long lost relatives at bay. 

“Hey, Robin you old dog, long time never met, it’s Reggie, your mother’s cousin by marriage eight times removed calling from Toledo.  I have a great opportunity for you to own your own lucha libre franchise up here.  Call me.”

Lucha libre (Mexican freestyle wrestling) in Ohio?  Actually, I might jump at that. 

$475 million…that’s some serious dough…as Howard Stern might say, “That’s F-U cash.”

But, I’m pretty sure that $2 million wouldn’t last anyone very long, no matter how frugal you think you are.  Think about it…no, really, think about it.  What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about winning $2 million?  I’ll bet it was splurging on something you’ve always wanted, but didn’t really need.  Am I right?  Before thoughts of taxes or socking away a chunk for a rainy day or maybe giving your close relatives a taste or taking your spouse on a romantic cruise to Bulgaria aboard the SS Sepsis…you’re thinking a fleet of Harley-Davidson motorcycles with custom paint, one for every day of the week. 

“…Wait, did he just say something about taxes?”

Yup, HE did.  Let’s say, for purposes of illustration that half of your $2 million will go to the Federal government (rat bastards) and the morons on North Lincoln Blvd (they have to fund their lunch subsidies somehow).  So now you’re left with $1 million.  Okay, still a lot of dough, but half as much as when the Oklahoma media was pondering your whereabouts and identity right after the drawing. 

So, in the glow of being a winner, you promptly walk into your job and tell your boss, whom you can’t stand, to kiss your ass.  Robin Advice #1:  Don’t do it.  Don’t burn bridges, don’t quit the day job.  You’ll regret it.

After the company security officer perp-walks you out the door, you immediately head to Oklahoma City and the Porsche dealership to buy the Carrera GT in flame red.  On that long stretch of I-40 coming out of OKC you decide to see if the car can actually go 200+ mph like the sales consultant said it would do. As you speed along, weaving in and out of traffic (how dare those peasant motorists get in your way) and smiling at the OHP phalanx eight miles back, but in “hot” pursuit nevertheless, you forget that you live in Oklahoma and are subject to ODOT’s whimsies when it comes to closing lanes or not repairing potholes.  After all the rains we’ve had, you hit a pothole large enough and filled with enough water to be declared a man-made lake.  Your Carrera GT becomes airborne and you sail across the median and the traffic lanes on the other side and total the machine when it hits the billboard advertising the Porsche dealership in Oklahoma City.

So, let’s see.  There’s the $450,000 you spent on the Carrera GT.  A real loss since you failed to ensure your current auto policy would cover fine German automobiles.  Fines, court costs, hospital costs, etc. after OHP finally catches up to and begins Tasering you at will.  There’s all of the people you frightened to near death as you careened past them on the interstate…they’re suing now, figuring that anyone who can drive a $450,000 car must have some cash in the bank.  The Porsche dealership is suing you for the billboard.  In the end, you’re back to where you started before you won the lottery.  You don’t even have a job. “No seriously, Boss.  Kiss my ass is a term of endearment in my family.”

Robin Advice #2 – If you need a car, buy a Toyota.  Take the rest of the money and put it into some sort of income producing fund and shut up.  

Robin Advice #3 – PowerBall jackpot is $50 million for Saturday night.  Go get a ticket.  If you win, call me…my consulting fee is only 10%...8% if I like you.    

Have a great weekend!