Robin is a Handsome Devil (We Have Data to Back That Up) and There's a 50% Chance You Are Too!

Sheesh…I miss a couple of days of posting last week and you would think I had been committed war crimes against small mammals or something! People writing and whining that they couldn’t get their daily dose of whatever manner of crap I post.  SORRY! I'll try to do better! But, hey, keep the cards and letters coming folks!

Friday was a busy day here at the compound.  Cousin Fred insisted that we go out searching for the walk-off/escapee/wayward member who walked off the 19th green at the William S. Keyless Country Club last week.  HE STILL HASN’T BEEN FOUND!  Cousin Fred had me up at dawn on Friday to go out on the hunt. According to him, escapees tend to do most of their moving just before dawn, while it’s cool and the darkness provides cover.  I guess that makes sense. 

Cousin Fred received an official Bob the Bounty Hunter PRO Kit on Thursday.  He bought this on eBay and I have to admit, the box was stuffed full of gear every bounty hunter worth his salt probably needs.  Let’s see, there was a set of handcuffs with keys (always good to have those - the keys, I mean).  It came with two (stinkin’) badges made from some sort of metal that read “Official Bounty Hunter”…very cool though I’m pretty certain that wearing a badge in the state of Oklahoma in any sort of capacity not recognized by the state palace as official will get alleged badger busted. There was a night-vision scope that we never did get to work. There was a pen that supposedly writes in secret invisible ink, though we couldn’t figure out how to make the invisible writing appear. There was a fill-in-the-blank warrant signed by Bob the Bounty Hunter (judge in exile). There was a thumb drive containing a Word template for a wanted poster so you (as a PRO bounty hunter) could hand out flyers to citizens when you started banging on doors at 0600 in the morning searching for bad guys. Oh, and there was a scroll with burnt edges also signed by Bob the Bounty Hunter himself that listed the rules for “Proper Professional Bounty Hunting” in a highly stylized calligraphy.

Rule number one is “Make certain there is actually a bounty on the head of the person you wish to hunt.”  Wow, good rule, Bob the Bounty Hunter.  Good rule.

I asked Cousin Fred if he had checked in with the Sheriff’s Office to see if there was a bounty on the dude that we could collect in the unlikely event we actually captured said alleged country club member.  Cousin Fred responded with a “negatory.” 

Seems there is no bounty on the brave hapless dumbass criminals who walk off the 19th hole at William S. Keyless.  The authorities are afraid that if they offer a reward or bounty, idiot amateurs like Cousin Fred and I will be out hunting down anyone who looks the least suspicious, which is just about everybody in Woodward County. 

I suggested to Cousin Fred that there wasn’t much point in hunting down someone that we couldn’t collect on.  Cousin Fred said he had a plan, which was to capture alleged country club member and hold him hostage until the Sheriff’s Office paid up. 

At that point, I knew I wanted out, but I went along for the ride just to keep an eye on Cousin Fred.  Fortunately, for all concerned, we didn’t find the dude and Cousin Fred has a very short attention span.  We did find an alleged couple having what was likely an alleged illicit tryst in the back of a pearl white Ford Explorer with an Oklahoma personalized tag that read “HMPNTYM” over near the public hunting grounds south of Ft. Supply Lake.

Who knows, maybe it was actually a licit tryst, but why would they be doing the nasty in the back of a Ford if it were? A GMC maybe, but definitely not a Ford. Begs the question, right?  At any rate, Cousin Fred says he got video.  Course, the night-vision scope wasn’t working, so who knows? 

Hey, speaking of begging the question (must get better at smoothing out awkward transitions and segues)…I stumbled upon an important dataset from BroBible.com. Never heard of them?  Nor have I.  But, it must be a legitimate data source.  They have their own web site and everything!

So, they were pushing a dataset that was compiled from “proprietary” data to create a dataset (what else are you going to do with proprietary data?) known as “The Most Attractive Cities & States”…no, it’s not what you think.  It isn’t Chamber of Commerce propaganda.  This tells you which states and cities have the most attractive men and women.  It also has a listing for the least attractive men and women by state and city.

Ready?  Here we go.  By the way, don’t shoot the messenger!

Topping the Most Attractive Women lists were (state) Connecticut and (city) Manhattan, NY.  Topping the Least Attractive Women lists were (state) Mississippi and (city) OKLAHOMA CITY, OK.  Hey, I didn’t make this up!

Although there were no number one Oklahoma winners(?) for the men’s list, the Most Attractive Men can be found in (state) Montana (darn that Marlboro man) and (city) Jacksonville, FL (home of the original Hooters).  Least Attractive Men can be found in (state) Rhode Island (probably the oysters) and (city) Sunnyvale, CA (who knows).

NOW…here’s the real news flash in all of this. Ladies, prepare to get your Sadie Hawkins mojo working…

Number 6 on the list of states with the Most Attractive Men is (my nipples are simply tingling with anticipation) OKLAHOMA!  I know, right?

Bet it has something to do with me moving here. The chicks dig the arctic fox on the face look!

Of course, there was nothing that spelled out the criteria for making these important findings. So we have no idea what they used to measure with…probably why they stuck a “proprietary” label on it. That way they don't have to explain a darned thing.

Still, number six out of fifty is pretty darned good!  Guess there’s something to be said for chicken fried steaks smothered in gravy!  Eat up, men...eat up!  Oh...and stay out of Oklahoma City!