Rejoice O' People of OKC...There is Now Legal Precedent!!!

Was happy to see on Sunday that our favorite Woodward News staff writer, Rachael Van Horn is back at work.  The News seems to use her as they would a utility infielder in baseball.  She covers local government, ag, local events, and she finds time to write feel-good features and columns.  She’ll even report on membership of the William S. Key Country Club walking (well, probably running) off the 18th green without having evening cocktails with the rest of the membership.  In fact, another member left without paying his bar tab while Rachael was gone.  Certainly missed her coverage of events in and around the Cosmic City of Woodward.

Sunday, Rachael put on her climatologist/hydrologist/weather-guesser uniform (involves a lot of Gore-Tex, rubber boots, and an emergency snorkel) and gave us a front-page story about all the rain this year and what the real official officials (not fake officials like me – “No ma’am I’m not a real official, but yes ma’am it’s been raining a lot”) have to say about it. Hopefully, this is the end of the drought.  Nothing official on that yet, but I’m sure Rachael will let us know when it’s a done deal. 

And, not to get on my soapbox, but…I’ve been reading pieces in the paper lately that a group, the Northwest Oklahoma Water Action Plan (Committee/Gang/Coffee Club?), has finally put a water plan in place for the region.  It’s really easy to hit snooze on implementing any sort of water plan when we’ve had so much rain lately.  I applaud the efforts of the group to bring so many local governments together (and in agreement) to work on the plan and get it approved.  This is, after all Northwest Oklahoma, and what may be true for the weather today will in all likelihood change by tomorrow.  It’s good to know there are folks with the vision and determination to ensure this area doesn’t undergo desertification (yep, it’s a real word). 

But, I digress…

Take heart Oklahoma…or to be more specific, the people of Oklahoma City! Thanks to the Supreme Court of Iowa, there is now a legal precedent that may prove helpful to you in your leisure time intimate (LTI) activities.  But you’ll have to follow some rules (I know, I know…always with the stinking rules). 

Our crack CCB legal team (okay, so it’s just one disbarred and disgraced attorney, but he’s all we can afford) found an AP article over the weekend on the Huffington Post site about a ruling by the Iowa Supreme Court (whose motto translated from the Latin, is “Pass the Corn”) which states that you can be drunker than Cooter Brown (actual legal term and measurement of drunkenness) on your front porch and the cops can’t touch you. Yep, the court has extended the reasonable expectation of privacy to one’s front porch as long as you haven’t invited anyone up there. 

I found this particularly interesting.  I’ve worked as a private investigator in two states (still licensed in one) and the understood definition (granted, it is a bit squishy – kind of like my left knee after a day of walking around) of reasonable expectation of privacy is anywhere that couldn’t be viewed from the street.  So, as a PI, I couldn’t, for instance, walk up to your window and shoot photos between slats in the blinds of you and the neighbor’s wife playing naked Twister in the living room while your wife is out of town for the International Tiddlywinks Competition in Wichita Falls (spoiler alert:  The Uzbeks are fierce savages when it comes to Tiddlywinks…what the hell else do they have to do in Uzbekistan?).  If I can get the video or pics through the slats from the street, okay then. 

The Iowa case dates back to 2013 when an innocent (though allegedly completely trashed) Iowan was arrested for public intoxication even though she was on her porch…not hurting anyone…well, maybe feelings were hurt as she hurled insults at passers-by like that nosy Widow Fingsleister from down the street. 

Anyway, our oppressed Iowan appealed her conviction saying that her porch is not a public space.  She lost the appeal and took it to the Supreme Court, which had the good judgment (in my humble lay opinion) to overturn the conviction and free her and all Iowans to make jack-asses of themselves on their front porches.  Ain’t America great?! 

Now, those of you who are long-time, devoted followers (all three of you, if I count the guy who sends me daily emails about what a dumbass I am and if he ever figures out where the compound is, he’s going to…) of these daily missives have probably already figured out where I’m headed with this.  No?  Sigh.

Some time ago, I reported on two Oklahoma City residents who decided to act out their atavistic lust for one another on their front lawn during evening rush hour while:  1)  sloppy drunk, and; 2) clothed.  Guess what?  They were arrested.  We learned then that OCPD has little to no tolerance for front lawn humping even if you’re clothed. 

Ah, but in the Iowa case, if they were knee crawling drunk and humping clothed on their front porch, they would be okay.  Although in the big scheme of things, even if you could change the law in Oklahoma to be something like the law in Iowa, would it matter?  I suppose some fun crusher on the city council in Oklahoma City, or worse, one of the morons “working” at 2300 N. Lincoln Blvd (assuming this was unfolding while they were actually in session) would pass a law making it a capital offense (using nitrogen gas or a firing squad) to hump clothed on a front porch in the state of Oklahoma.  Eh, what’s the use?         

Welcome back, Rachael!