 Happy Monday! Aren't you glad to be here? Yeah, I know...not so much, but hey, Friday is only a few days away. You can do this! I tell you, I should have been a Life Coach. Okay, enough of that, today's post from the past looks at the case of a hapless woman who wandered into a West Virginia convenience store while naked and tried to rob the place, armed with nothing more than a smile. Enjoy!
I had hoped to resume construction of the 50-foot speaker towers for the thrash-metal-jam festival CCB is hosting here in August, but the winds were too strong to be dangling 50 feet in the air and attempting to nail boards together. So, being the model of efficiency that I am, I decided to devote that time to making another post for the blog. Although a name for the festival remains an open question, acts have already expressed an interest. Here’s the list of headliners so far…okay, actually no one has expressed interest yet. I reached out to AC-DC since they’re already in the U.S. for a tour then, but the band’s management has taken out a no-contact order on me. But, I digress…on to the blog post for today. You know, now that West Virginia (whose state motto translated from the Latin is “Why are we in the Big-12”) is part of the Big-12 (whose conference motto translated from the Latin is “Please don’t do the math”), I feel compelled to read about things happening there. I came upon an article on the huffingtonpost.com web site that certainly caught my attention. We’ll open by describing the actions of Charleston’s crack crime fighting team already en route to a call of a naked woman in the parking lot of a Motel 6 (wonder if they left the light on for her). While still headed to the first call, a second call came in that a naked woman was robbing a convenience store across the street from the Motel 6. Our clever and no doubt, now curious, officers put two and two together (insert West Virginia joke here) and pointed the police car toward the armed robbery in progress believing that it was likely the same naked woman. I told you they have clever law in West Virginia! It seems that there was, in fact, a naked woman attempting to rob the convenience store…did I mention she was naked? The alleged Naked Robber Lady was carrying a towel when she entered the store, but never made a move to cover herself with it. Once she entered the store, she grabbed the female store clerk by the hair and ordered her to open the store’s safe. The store clerk managed to get free and get out of the store. For whatever reason, the Naked Robber Lady stayed inside the store and tried to hide from police inside the store’s utility closet. As the police opened the utility closet door and discovered Naked Robber Lady, she reportedly said, “Take me to jail.” They accommodated her. She was booked on charges of robbery. In an appearance before a magistrate for arraignment, she began crying and refused to talk. Her bond was set at $50,000. This alleged attempted robbery took place at around 1:30AM. The time is important, I think. Actually, I dunno whether it is or not, but it must have something to do with this insanity. Fewer witnesses maybe? Maybe she was showering at Motel 6, ran out of hair conditioner and had an important business meeting in the morning? One of the arresting officers told a reporter that there could be drugs or alcohol involved. Noooo kidding…they’re getting cleverer as this goes along, aren’t they? Judas priest, I hope she was drunk and/or doped up. How else do you explain the fact that she was traipsing naked around West Virginia at 1:30 in the morning? What if she had been attacked by nocturnal horny squirrels or something? This could have gone from bizarre to tragically bizarre. And what’s with the towel that she was carrying? It’s a Motel 6 towel so even on a skinny person it won’t cover a lot. Maybe she thought she was covered with it? And what did the cops do with her once she was in custody? Maybe this is a frequent enough occurrence in West Virginia that police carry bags of clothes in the trunk…ha ha, junk in the trunk (I crack myself up!). At a minimum, I’ll bet they had her sit on the Motel 6 towel. Fortunately, CCB has people on the ground in Charleston. We dispatched a team of investigators to get some answers. Actually, they (okay, he) hung up on me when I attempted to dispatch him and had his attorney email a cease and desist demand to me. Something about me allegedly “stalking” a reputable TV news anchor and threatening me with (yet another) no contact order. Let’s see what we learned here:
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