Petulant primate pets on the loose at Walmart and Cousin Fred's bona fides are neither bona nor fide...it's Monday (sigh)

Ahhhhh…still another stinking Monday. Yet another weekend survived to tell the tale.

Didn’t see much of Cousin Fred over the weekend. He was too busy electronically communicating with his new love interest, Francesca, whom he met over his web site, lovesick-leftovers.com. In fact, the only time I saw him was when he would ask me to snap pics of him in various poses around here (his selfie-stick is in the shop).

Let’s see, there was a pic of him sitting in the Lexus that the hairdressing hydrologist Gigi left behind. For that one, we removed the New York state inspection sticker from the window so it couldn’t be tied to any state other than Oklahoma (I guess). He told Francesca that he prefers to surround himself with luxury. That life is too short to do otherwise.

Uh huh. This from a man who actually surrounds himself inside Hellkat One’s trailer with old Sonic coffee cups accumulated during his twice daily runs into Cosmic City for coffee.

That Cousin Fred, always honing his bona fides.

When it came to Hellkat One’s travel trailer, he had me take a pic of him sitting at the table inside wearing reading glasses (borrowed from me) as he carefully examined a roadmap of the United States with Walmart locations marked in blue. Seems he told Francesca that he enjoys RVing throughout most of the year.

Such a man of the world, this guy.

For action shots, around The Compound, he adorned his head with my Turkish fez and had me take a pic of him standing next to the fireplace with a pipe in his mouth. For that pic, he was also wearing a silk smoking jacket and pajama bottoms. He told Francesca that over the years he had been a frequent guest at the Playboy Mansion and that he and The Hef were on each other’s call lists.

He’s a catch, ladies! Get him while he’s hot (and please take him home with YOU).

Oh, and then there was the pic of him standing at The Compound fence here holding a Kalashnikov rifle while searching the horizon (with eyes squinted against the setting sun – very Clint Eastwoody) for dastardly coyotes. That was the funniest of all, given that he’s terrified of firearms. I have no idea where he got the weapon, but it actually had a bayonet attached, which is really funny because he’s as afraid of wild animals as he is firearms.

A man of action, when the situation calls for it. Uh huh. I had to show him how to hold the Kalashnikov so he didn’t look like such a dweeb.

There was also a photo of him standing near the spot that may become Lake Mountebank in the future, wearing a hardhat and looking at a largish rolled set of plans. He told Francesca that he is “helping” to engineer a manmade lake here in Oklahoma that will provide both water-borne recreation and drinking water (along with a host of diseases) for people in this area.

A man of vision and intellect…the whole enchilada wrapped up in one package…Cousin Fred. Renaissance Man. Truthfully, the plans he was holding are for the paint scheme of a Blue Angels A-4F Skyhawk (don’t ask).  

At the end of the day (literally, it took all day to take and re-take those pics), I came to realize that Cousin Fred’s bona fides would hold no more water than Lake Mountebank at the moment.

But, hey, while we’re on the subject (and, yes, I’m purposely digressing here), what the heck is it with RVs and Walmart parking lots? I’ve never really understood how those stores came to serve as a pseudo-harbor for wayward modern-day gypsies looking for a safe place to park for the night. I guess the store figures they’ll come in to shop and spend some money resupplying the wagon for the trip across hostile territory?

For those of us who live here in hostile territory, there is a certain amount of risk. Seriously. Who knows what manner of deranged or irretrievably psychotic manner of individual those hellish cesspools on wheels may contain?

Take for instance, the recent event at a Walmart in Ohio (I’ve warned you people to stay the hell out of Ohio) wherein a monkey in a diaper escaped from a RV and began a marauding reign of terror around the parking lot.

A helpful Walmart employee, who was gathering shopping carts in the parking lot (probably left behind by atavistic RVers) tried to help by grabbing said monkey when it jumped up on the Cart Corral.

People are dialing 911 and taking video with their smartphones (and, not necessarily in that order). The monkey reportedly bit the Walmart dude. The female RVer came running over screaming, “Let him go. If he bites you, they’ll put him down.”
Hmmmm…who is “they’ll” and why would they put him down? I’m betting this wasn’t his first Walmart rodeo.

The RV soon left to begin making its way out of the immediate area. There is now a statewide simian-hunt going on. Ohio officials want to check the beast to see if it’s registered. Here’s a hint Ohio officials, it ain’t.

As they’re rolling down the road, unknown to Mr. and Mrs. RVer (and little diapered Junior), toward an Ohio Highway Patrol roadblock where they are conducting RV by RV searches for the petulant primate pet, Mr. RVer is probably saying to Mrs. RVer, “I told you to keep that damned thing locked up when we’re at Walmart!”

Indeed, Mr. RVer…indeed.  

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