November 23rd, 2015

Good Monday morning everyone! Some weekend, eh? The Sooners won (barely)…Cowpokes lost (yipes)…Bedlam this coming weekend is gonna be a bloodbath…a shootout…the gridiron contest of the century…fill your favorite sports cliché here!
 
Cousin Fred and I have packed up Brutus and are preparing to head out for Colorado (with the goat named Lassie) to shoot our raw video reality show pilot for Chick Farris in Hollywood. If any of you faithful readers of this blog know any dope smoking people in Colorado (probably most of the population by now) who wouldn’t mind getting naked on television (happens a lot when you smoke dope), have them get in touch with me.
 
In the meantime, here’s a couple of lessons in why you should avoid drinking and driving. I know, I know, you already know that, but this will drive it home (Get it? Driving home? Nyuk nyuk…I’m so clever!).
 
First, the theme from Dragnet always sets the mood.
 
First up, coming to us from the geniuses over at Huffington Post, is Dumbass A, who hails from New Jersey, which translated from the Algonquin means “Land of Fuhgetaboutit”. 
 
It seems our clever New Jersey Mob Princess wanted to avoid the chance of a DUI arrest as she headed from a New Jersey bar called Grasshoppers at 3:15AM. She and her companion, we’ll call him “Young Grasshopper” spotted the fuzz sitting near the parking lot of the bar just waiting for them to start their vehicle and drive away.
 
Mob princess dials 911 and reports a woman being violently assaulted at another bar across town. Are you with me so far?
 
Super Fuzz then peels out headed to the bar across town hoping to catch himself a perp in progress of perpetrating an assault on a damsel in perpetual distress (cops are funny that way).
 
Young Grasshopper and Mob Princess drive away unmolested by the police and their draconian rules about driving around while commode-hugging drunk. You have to admit that seems pretty clever, huh?
 
But, what happens when you’re drunk? You tend to do stupid stuff because reason and inhibitions fly out the friggin’ car window. Uh huh…
 
It seems Mob Princess couldn’t contain herself, she was so clever. Young Grasshopper, relieved that he wouldn’t have to do the heel-to-toe dance with some cop on the side of the road, was probably egging her on.  
 
So what does our young sophisticate Mob Princess do? What any 20-something would do in a similar circumstance, of course…she went on social media and described how she had beat the rap. Calling the local law enforcement, “…silly piggies…” for falling for her trick. Very smart, Mob Princess, very smart.  NOT!
 
She was arrested two days later after her social media posts came to the attention of local law enforcement. She’s been charged with filing a false report to law enforcement and creating a false public alarm.
 
What have we learned here CCB readership? Two things: 1) Stay OFF social media when you’re s**tfaced drunk, and, 2) Stay the HELL out of New Jersey.
 
More Dragnet theme!
 
Next up, also from Huffington Post, some guy we’ll call El Toro got loaded in Florida and drove his truck into a ditch. Okay, Robin, you’re probably saying…what’s the big deal? Many Floridians drink to excess and go in search of a ditch.
 
Well, let’s start with the fact that the ditch was located in the parking lot of a McDonalds that was under construction. We’ve all been there…it’s late at night, you’re drunk, you want something to eat so you can barf whole pickles onto your bedroom wall later. No? Oh, guess that’s just me.
 
But, I digress…
 
What really made this blog-worthy is that El Toro, when he’s not enjoying his favorite past time of drinking himself into a McDonalds-seeking, zombie-like state is a Driver’s Ed teacher.  Hahahahahahaha I swear, I can’t make this crap up even if I tried!
 
Now, as we learned in the previous example of Mob Princess, what happens when you drink too much? No, besides puking your guts for two days straight. Right…reason and inhibition fly out the car window.
 
So, El Toro tells the cops that he wasn’t actually driving. It was someone named Josh and Mr. Joshua ran away before police got there. Guess who took the rap for Mr. Joshua? Yep, El Toro, Driver’s Ed teacher.
 
A spokesperson for El Toro’s school district reportedly said that El Toro will no longer be teaching Driver’s Ed, that much is for certain. Who knows, maybe they’ll let him teach typing or make him the football coach.
 
What did we learn here, people? 1) If you’re drunk stay out of McDonalds parking lots that are under construction (there aren’t any burgers there); 2) definitely stay away from Sonic (you know why); 3) stay away from people named Josh or Joshua, they’re runners, and, 4) stay the HELL out of Florida.
 
That concludes today’s “Adventures in Law Enforcement!”…more Dragnet Theme!
 
Off for Colorado…it’s gonna be great!