No more Channel 4 means no more Emily Sutton in the morning...we're in mourning at The Compound!

Good morning everybody, and happy Monday! Here at The Compound this morning, we’re in a bit of quandary.

As is customary here every morning, Cousin Fred and I tune into KFOR TV (Channel 4, OKC) to watch Ms. Weather, Emily Sutton, so we can plan our day’s activities. It seemed particularly important this morning what with the storm of the century approaching.

But when I tried to access Channel 4, all I got was video of some guy telling me how KFOR is run by a bunch of war criminal pirates who can’t negotiate a deal with DISH (my satellite TV provider). Huh? When I call up the channel guide, it reads “KFOR removed NBC 4” where Channel 4 used to be.

Darn you, KFOR! <Shaking fist in air>

But then, I got to the KFOR web site, they’re running something calling DISH “DISHgusting”…saying DISH is run by a bunch of reckless profiteers who pulled KFOR from their channel line-up despite the fact that I’m already paying for it.

Darn you, DISH! <Shaking fist in air>

I don’t know who’s to blame here. Obviously, contract negotiations have hit a speedbump. I just know that I won’t have weather hottie Emily in the morning or happy hands Morgan in the afternoon! Plus, no Linda Cavanaugh.

Bastards!

Truth be told, I suspect DISH is the primary offender here. Last fall, they removed the Weather Channel and replaced it with some lame-ass weather channel that doesn’t provide local radar or information.

With Channel 4 gone…how the hell am I supposed to athletes crumble under the Zika virus in Rio? What about all of my weekly shows like America’s Got Talent?
You sonsofbitches better get this squared away!

And speaking of getting things squared away…well, sort of…there I go with awkward segues again.

Did you hear about the guy in Tennessee that police stopped on suspicion of DUI who was more than the cops bargained for?

So the cops get him pulled over and when he exits the vehicle, they realize he is wearing see through mesh pantyhose, has a red ribbon tied to his beard, and he’s wearing some sort of very short skirt.

I know, I know sounds like any Friday night police stop in Cosmic City, but wait there’s more…

They find a loaded weapon in the center console of the vehicle. Okay, but wait, there’s still more…

Turns out, once they got him to the station for booking, the cops realized that he was wearing a chastity belt.

Yes, a chastity belt.

And here’s the money shot (so to speak), the keys to unlock the chastity belt were in two separate locations: 1) the same center console of his vehicle, presumably towed off to an impound lot; and, 2) on a chain around the neck of his passenger in the vehicle who was as drunk as the driver. The cops made the passenger walk home since she couldn’t drive either.

After a bit of delay a key was retrieved and the chastity belt removed.

He was charged with DUI (blew a .117) and possession of a weapon while under the influence. Hmmmm…guess it isn’t a crime to wear a chastity belt in Tennessee. Of all of the places in the U.S. where basic weirdness would be a chargeable offense, I figure Tennessee would be it.

What have we learned here today?

1. DISH satellite TV is run by a bunch of reckless profiteers.

2. KFOR TV is run by a bunch of war criminal pirates who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a paper sack.

3. America’s Got Talent is the best show on NBC.

4. You can never have too many keys to unlock chastity belts, handcuffs, or anything else.

5. When driving drunk in Tennessee be sure not to carry your gun in your center console…stuff it down the front of your pants instead. The metal chastity belt will protect you from errant discharge! Hahahahaha

6. Stay the hell out of Tennessee.

That is all!

---