Mr. Robin shares sound advice for those considering a life of crime...it's his gift to you!

Good morning dedicated CCBers (all four of you). How the hell is everybody?

Ah, here we are, yet another holiday season filled with: the sounds of cheap bells being rung by sketchy-looking people outside of Walmarts (is it possible to tune a bell?); the smell of overcooked cookies in the break room at the office (you didn’t expect Bernice to thrust that batch on her family did you?); the furtive, near-panicked look of a spouse as he/she realizes that Christmas is 10 days away and they have no idea what to buy the other (a three-pack of underwear won’t get it…try a five-pack to get them through the week); the sight of your fat, lazy self in the mirror as you realize you won’t fit into your only suit for your fancy office party this year (well, there’s always black jeans and polished boots).

Don’t you just hate this time of year? If you don’t, you aren’t cynical enough. Drink more. Trust me, it helps.

But beyond the personal crises in your own miserable lives, there’s the outside influences. I’m talking about the evil rat bastards who turn to a life of crime to solve their holiday shopping dilemmas.

Take for example, a couple of fellows in Kentucky I recently read about on the Huffington Post website.

Cue the Theme from Dragnet!

So, these two geniuses are apparently short of holiday cash and decide to do something about it. We’ll call them Hillbilly Roy and Hillbilly Ray so as to make it easy to differentiate between the two when the action starts…probably have strings of the same DNA anyway.

But, I digress…

They make a plan, which is really no play at all. They know they’re going to go out and hold up some business.

In this case, our two dropouts from the Gertrude Hazelwood School of Criminality set their sights on Dixie Pig BBQ (not the real name, but I think that's a cool name for a BBQ joint). Yep, of all of the places you could choose to hold up they decide to hit a BBQ joint, at the height of the dining hour.

“Now just you hand over that money in the till…oh, and I’ll take a bottle of your spicy pig vinegar sauce. Make that two bottles.”

As they begin to doubt their first choice of a place to hold up they sit in the car for a while.

In order to find the nerve to actually go inside and commit said alleged crime, Hillbilly Roy and Hillbilly Ray sit out in the parking lot and get drunk. What do you bet it was maple-flavored bourbon?

Rule #4 of Criminal Enterprise 101 – go into your crime stone sober. There’ll be plenty of time for drinking afterwards.

But wait, there’s more.

So while one of these jackasses is squirming around in his seat (probably had to pee from drinking too much liquor), he manages to butt-dial 911 on his phone.

Rule #12 of Criminal Enterprise 101 – always shut off all communication devices and stow them away. There’ll be plenty of time for posting drunken selfies on Facebook of you waving fistfuls of cash after you’ve robbed the place and started drinking.

That of course leads to Rule #13 of Criminal Enterprise 101 – do not use the Facebook Live feature to stream your robbery in progress. It WILL be used as evidence against you.

The 911 operator listens in as the two continue to discuss (read as argue) whether to rob a BBQ joint or someplace else, say the biker bar down the street, The Gates of Perdition.

Said alleged 911 operator calls the chief of police, WHO HAPPENS TO BE DINING INSIDE the Dixie Pig (love that name).

Rule #40 (new rule) of Criminal Enterprise 101 – do NOT attempt to rob a place of business wherein the police might be hanging out.

Said alleged police chief springs into action and with the help of the entire police force which is now arriving outside, arrest Hillbilly Ray and Hillbilly Roy – still sitting in their car, drunk on their collective hillbilly asses.

Apparently, they couldn’t arrest these two morons for robbery because, well…they failed at that. So they arrest them for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and an open container in a vehicle. Note, no weapons charges…these two idiots forgot to bring a gun.

Curiously, stupidity is not a crime…who knew?

Sigh.

I leave you with a HAPPY holiday thought (no, this isn’t a trick). Some dude down in Australia (love that place) decided to put up a hundred jillion lights on his house and synch them to AC-DC’s Thunderstruck. Even if you aren’t a fan, it’s a cool video.  And worth the watch: it is here.

That is all!
 

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