 Here we are, another stinkin’ Tuesday. I was awakened last night by two storms coming through that apparently appeared by magic. According to Channel 9 yesterday there was no chance of storm activity for the next 10 days. Uh huh. Oh, well, they did say there was a little activity way out in the Panhandle, but it wouldn’t amount to much.
My point there is I miss having KFOR-TV since DISH Network took it hostage and removed it from view. Now we’re left with a non-stop video of some guy at DISH telling us why KFOR-TV is run by satanic worshippers and we should complain to our legislators. Seriously? What’s that pack of wholly underemployed morons going to do for us? I MISS WEATHER HOTTIE EMILY SUTTON IN THE MORNING! She always steered us right if there was a chance of storms in the area. Guess I’m going to have to change providers…yes, you d$%kheads at DISH, having ALL of the local channels does mean that much to me! Okay, in the words of Buddy from “Night Court” – I’m feeling much better now. Things are getting back to normal here at The Compound now that Cousin Fred and I are finished traveling for conventions and the associated nonsense. Southern Living magazine has offered me the opportunity to freelance stuff for them, without any guarantees of publication. Consequently, I decided I’d better be staying up with the latest news from the campaign trail. My goodness, it’s depressing. Let’s see, The Trump has backed himself into a corner over the comments made during the Democratic National Convention by the parents of a Muslim U.S. soldier killed in Iraq. The best thing The Trump could have done is kept his mouth shut, gone on and let the controversy die down. But, that’s not The Trump’s style now is it? He’s taken a campfire and turned it into a 26,000 acre wildfire, taking swings at Sen. John McCain and anyone else who raises the question. Then there’s the “scandal” that The Trump’s current wife posed nude with another naked woman for a photo shoot. On this, I’m with The Trump…who cares? It has only VERY marginal relevance and was before she even married him. Who cares? One of the headlines this morning quotes The Trump as saying that the Queen of the Unindicted is Satan and that the Curmudgeon sold his soul to Clinton by endorsing her. Well, isn’t that uplifting? But, wait there’s more! There are charges that the Queen of the Unindicted has undermined national security by her ties to the Russians. Again, with the Russian ties. Oh, and The Trump says he can tie Her Majesty to ISIS, apparently through donations made to the Clinton Foundation by companies with ties to the radical Islamic group. It doesn’t help her case that she refuses to even discuss the contributions. But, wait there’s still more! So, now there’s a theory going ‘round that The Trump’s candidacy exists solely in order for him to avoid the 1,000 lawsuits he has stacked up against him. Apparently, you can’t sue a sitting president. Really? Will have to look into that one. It seems that the really big news last night was that The Trump was photographed on his private jet eating KFC from a bucket using a fork and knife. Huh? Please tell me, who among you cares. Or, in the words of my former traveling colleague NATO Harry…WGAS (Whisky Gas)? I can’t stand it. I’m going down into my hidey hole (storm cellar for those outside of OK) for the remainder of this presidential election cycle. Hmmmm…wonder if I can get broadband down there. So, instead let’s turn our utter attention to something really important. Warning: you may be sorry that you read on. You know, I’ve declared before in these posts that the world is full of stupid people. You’ve heard that, you know it to be true. I would also add that world is full of lazy people constantly in search of those hacks that make life altogether too easy. It seems that someone in Japan got to thinking that strapping their smartphone onto a vibrator, would make the Pokémon GO eggs hatch faster. The idea here is that the vibrations trick the game into thinking you’re walking when truthfully you’re lying on your couch watching Gilligan’s Island reruns and wondering why you didn’t buy the quieter version of vibrator. Critics say that it doesn’t do much. Even the best of the vibrators only fooled the game into thinking the user had walked 400 meters in 10 minutes. According to an actual scientific study looking into this, the average human can walk 800 meters in 10 minutes, so there’s nothing gained. Ah, but maybe there is. If you figure that the average human is only good for maybe four or five hours tops of running out in front of cars or through church services chasing frigging Pokémons, then imagine the ground you’d gain running that vibe for 24-hours. (Hint: buy lots of batteries). All of this scientific study got us at CCB to thinking about other uses for attaching electronic devices to vibrators. We formed a special scientific study committee that we call the CCB Special Scientific Study Committee for the Use of Vibrators in Reducing the Amount of Exercise You Have to Endure (CCBSSSCUVRAEYHE)…you’ll thank me later. One of the top ideas to emerge…stay with me here…let’s say your employer gets on a health kick and decides to create a challenge among employees to take up walking. Said employer turns it into a competition. Now, let’s say that you’re a non-exercise type. But, your employer shames everyone into participating by offering free Fitbit devices to keep track of employees’ steps over the course of a week. You want the prize at the end of the competition, but don’t want to have to walk. What to do? What to do? Why, thanks to the Japanese (they think of everything), you simply attach your Fitbit to your vibrator and suddenly you’re Mr./Ms. Fitness USA! See, now that’s the kind of thing that makes life worth living. You suppose the Queen of the Unindicted has a vibrator? Just askin… Comments are closed.
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