Welcome to the Wednesday edition of CCB. I’m back after a bout of whatever the heck sinister virus is going around outside the compound. Stop breathing on me, people! And, they wonder why I live in a fortified Compound on the western edge of Woodward County?
I considered watching the GOP debates last night on CNN…figured it would give me fodder for today’s posting. Instead, I watched old reruns of the Drew Carey Show and Spin City. Gotta believe the episodes were from the final seasons of both shows. The writing sucked and most of the regulars had moved on. It was kind of pathetic, like I would imagine most of the GOP debates were. Will someone please explain to me how it is that Ted Cruz is even running for president? Seriously, I don’t get it. The dude was born in Canada. The constitution says you have to have be a U.S. natural born. I figure someone must have figured out an angle, otherwise the rest of that Republican mob would be on him like a pack of hungry wolves on a weak doe. But, like I said. I didn’t watch. Though I did manage to catch a segment on the KFOR three-hour-news called Holiday Etiquette…really? Are the media outlets in OKC so hard up for news that they turn to fluff like this? The segment featured a woman named Carey Sue Vega (whom we’ll hereafter refer to as CSV), who claims to be an etiquette expert. Wow. Truth be told she’s a blogger…just like me. Though she’s found a way to make some $$$ at it (she offers etiquette webinars to companies who want their employees to behave more civilly…I think). Me…I just keep giving it away for free. Guiding the segment along was Kevin Ogle, who will simply have to appear as the monster in my remake of Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein. So, the segment played out with Brother Ogle reading questions sent in by surprisingly articulate and well-meaning viewers. Uh huh. I’ll bet Linda Cavanaugh and a gang of interns thought up the questions. So here’s a rundown of the questions, CSV’s response, Ogle’s insipid color commentary, and the official CCB untimely, unseemly, and generally cruelly sarcastic commentary which has become our stock in trade. Feel free to play along at home. Ready? The first question came from someone we’ll call “Scroogish Boozehog” who said she had been invited to three holiday parties this year and was expected to bring a secret Santa gift to each at $20 or under. Scroogish Boozehog indicated she can’t afford that and asked what she should do. CSV’s first response was to try re-gifting something someone gave you last year or to simply not participate in the gift exchange. Young Frankenstein threw in that you could just spend the party hanging out by the punchbowl of spiked eggnog. Good advice, Young Frankenstein, good advice…keep your day job. CCB’s untimely, unseemly, and sarcastic response: Look, Scroo-Boo, you’ve been invited to these parties. Not participating is not an option. You get free food, free booze (woohoo) and if all goes well, people will be scanning their privates on the multifunction printer in the home office (nothing says Holiday Fun like a full-color pic of someone’s junk as your desktop wallpaper). All of that, and you aren’t going to participate in the gift exchange? Look…go to Dollar Tree…run through the store grab some stuff, wrap it up…bada bing. You’ve done your part. Re-gifting seldom works because inevitably it goes right back to the person who gave it to you last year. Frankly, Young Frankenstein had the best advice for that question. Next up, we have Holiday Fussyass who asked what to do with annual holiday dinner party guests who drag their fork through their teeth within hearing of the hostess? What? CSV offered two options: 1) Pointed out that you can’t make people feel bad about weird stuff they do, but said to put them at the far end of the table where you don’t have to hear it; 2) Just let it go. Young Frankenstein weighed in with “Hahaha…let it snow, let it go, right?” Huh? CCB: Okay, Holifuss, look if it bothers you that much, maybe CSV’s advice to put them down at the far end of the table seems pretty good. This is especially good advice if your husband is down at that end and you’re not feeling particularly benevolent toward him at the time. Chances are, it’s his slobbery old Aunt Esther anyway. Honestly, I don’t know what they’re talking about here…dragging their fork through their teeth…what is that? I tried it just now and chipped a tooth. My best advice is to point out their flaws, humiliate them, and then throw them out of the house and into the cold. And, keep their damned gifts for yourself. Typical holiday at the Compound. Finally, there was a question from someone we’ll call Grumpy Ol’ Bastard, who said that his neighbor puts up tacky Christmas lights and decorations that block his driveway. GO’B asked, “What should I do?” CSV offered that GO’B would only create more problems for himself if he addressed his malevolent neighbor’s seeming need to identify with Clark Griswold and run up his electric bills every December. She said that Griswold will only add more lights and make it even bigger next year. She also offered that GO’B could always move. Young Frankenstein had nothing. CCB: Move, schmoove…go on the offensive GO’B! A pair of insulated wire cutters in the middle of the night (snip, snip, snip) problem solved. And GO’B says the decorations are blocking his driveway? Back over the sh*t! And then sue him for damaging your car. What are you, a man or an inflatable Frosty the Snowman with a pinhole and a defective inflator motor? Okay, kids, that’s enough for today. Tune in tomorrow when I’ll instruct you on how to cook up a turkey that’s way past its expiration date (spoiler alert: no one will notice…at least until the EMTs show up). Again, a typical holiday at the Compound. Comments are closed.
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