Advice for Jim Acosta (leave snark to the pros); defendants facing legal proceedings (leave the supply at home); and, those who claim just about anything as a support animal (yeesh).

Yea! It’s Friday again. We’ve survived another week despite the best efforts of a dysfunctional, couch-potato, gasping, and wheezing government.

Today is probably the day that we’ll hear Fearless Leader declare a national emergency (in the interest of national security – cough) and move forward with his rob-Peter-to-pay-Paul scheme of taking money from DoD to kickstart the funding for the Great Wall of America.

I mean after all, what the hell does DoD have to do with national security anyway? They don’t need no stinking funding! Am I right?

In the big picture, it’s the perfect way for Fearless Leader to save face. He’ll take the money away from DoD, start building a portion of wall, and then over the course of a few months for one reason or another, it will all fail. He’ll most likely blame contractors for the failure, but hey, his hands are clean. In the meantime, the Federal government will have reopened, 800,000 Fed employees will be back to work and will be getting paid. It’s probably win-win for Trump.  

Plus, we’ll have the add-on benefit of not having to listen to the Chuck and Nancy Show or watch some shameless CNN reporter utterly fail while trying to make a case against the wall. Dear Jim Acosta, you’re a rank amateur. Call me if you want to employ snark in your reporting. I’ve been there and done that!

Other than that, it’s a great day to be an American, I guess.

Things are kind of quiet right now, so we thought that today we’d return to our more usual practice of highlighting just how bizarre, not to mention stupid, people can be!

Our first stop is Ohio, which ranks a very close second to Florida for people doing really dumb stuff.

Take, for example, the 31-year-old woman in Minerva (southeast of Canton, if you’re playing along at home). The woman, we’ll call her Backpack Femme (that’s her on the left in the photo above), showed up for a court date on drug-related charges. Hey, give her some credit, at least she showed for her court date.

But, darn her bad luck, local law enforcement had the nerve to search bags and purses to ensure no one coming in for hearings is caring a weapon. Inside Backpack Femme’s backpack, the cops find it stuffed full of meth, MDMA, marijuana, prescription pills, and drug paraphernalia.

Now, I know, you dedicated followers (at last count, we’re up to five) of this stupid blog are asking yourselves, “Gee, Mr. Robin, if Backpack Femme was already facing drug charges why would she show up at her hearing carrying a bag full of contraband drugs?”

Good question, dedicated followers, good question.

Unfortunately, the newsfeed report of Backpack Femme’s exploit contained insufficient information to make that determination. But that’s never stopped CCB from reach its own and often erroneous conclusion. Oh no.

While we have zero information as to Backpack Femme’s home life, we can make the defensible statement that things are probably not good. So much so that she feels compelled to carry her backpack of supply with her wherever she goes to ensure its security. Cousin Fred speculated that she is perhaps vying for Mother of the Year and wants to keep the drugs out of the hands of her children at home. Bravo Backpack Femme, bravo!

Next, we zoom across the country to San Francisco where a homeless man (we’ll call him Varmint Dude) walked into a McDonald’s cradling an apparently dead raccoon in his arms. Witnesses said he was screaming for someone to help him as he walked up to the counter still carrying the raccoon in his arms and dripping a trail of blood behind him.

The manager promptly told the man he had to leave the restaurant, but Varmint Dude simply walked over to a table where he set the dead raccoon on top and sat down. So now the dead raccoon is leaking blood all over the table. The manager then forces Varmint Dude out of the restaurant. Most interesting is that a customer (brave soul) in the restaurant removed the raccoon from the table and deposited in a trash can (in the restaurant).

Cousin Fred pointed out that the raccoon could have been a support animal for the homeless fellow. Stranger cases of support animals have been reported after all. It may also be worth noting that the raccoon may not have been quite dead when Varmint Dude came in with it. If it was still bleeding it may have still been alive, albeit barely.

The cops show up and promptly haul Varmint Dude off for a psych exam, where he was determined not to be crazy.

Hmmm.

What have we learned here today?

• The Great Wall of America is coming. It’s the only way Fearless Leader can save face at this point while declaring himself the greatest wall builder in the known universe.
  
• Carrying a bag of drugs into a courthouse when you’re there for a hearing on drug charges is almost never a good idea.
  
• Can we get a grip on the whole support animals thing? Dogs and cats are fine, we here at CCB draw the line at rattlesnakes, tarantulas, rabid skunks, and raccoons excreting bodily fluids.
  
• Get your food to-go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and then drive away at speed.
  
• And, stay the hell out of California and Ohio.

​That is all!