Jail is generally a bad place to be (particularly for polygamists)...why break in?

Sheesh, what a week! Glad it’s behind me. Feeling much better this morning. Went down to the road yesterday to grab the mail out of the box after the psycho rural delivery guy dropped it off. 

There was a notice among the usual crap addressed to Hellkat One from Oklahoma Tax Commission. It was originally addressed to the Palace in Oklahoma City, but someone had crossed through that address and wrote in the address for the Compound. 

I caught myself doing a quick look around, scanning for postal service ninjas hiding behind the sage brush before opening the envelope. It contained a notice that the tags on her trailer are coming due…by the end of December. I guess Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin figures that stupid trailer is never leaving the Compound. 

About that time, the door of the trailer flew open and Cousin Fred stepped out followed by Lassie, the barking goat. I showed him the notice from OTC and asked if he thought we should pay it. 

Cousin Fred looked at the notice and then looked off to the west where Lassie had taken up grazing. 

He looked back at me and said, “Well, Cousin, I don’t think we should have to pay this. After all, it is addressed to Hellkat One. It’s her problem, ain’t it?

I considered that for a time and thought, what’s the worst that could happen? The OTC seizes the trailer for failure to pay? I’m not out any cash. Course, that leaves Cousin Fred and Lassie with no place to live. Guess that means trying to move the two of them back into the house. That means I have to deal with the Wife.

I’ll pay the fee.

Besides, any time you get the state government involved in anything there’s a decent chance that a stint in jail is involved unless of course you’re an Oklahoma Corporation Commission commissioner in which case you can get away with anything.
I’m still too young and far too pretty for jail.
 
Speaking of which, I’ve come across a couple of incidents that happened in/around jails that serve as good evidence that jail is a bad place to be.
 
The first is from Huffington Post and describes a dumbass in Florida who decided it was the holidays and he needed to reconnect with his pals locked up in the county jail. Isn’t he a nice guy…thinking of his incarcerated pals over the holidays. Most of us would wait for visitors hours…check-in with the jailers…and then sit politely waiting for your friends to come out individually so you could wish them the best. 

That’s most of us. Not this guy.
 
He gets himself hopped up Flakka, a synthetic drug similar to bath salts. He then drives to the county jail compound in the middle of the night where he rammed the front gate and then tried to climb the fence surrounding the place.  

He got caught in the razor wire strewn across the top of the fence and was easily captured. 

See, now this is what the William S. Key Country Club needs…a fence with razor wire. I wonder if it would be easier to break-in there. It’s certainly easy to break-out of there…you just walk off. 

He said he just wanted to visit his friends who were in jail there.

He’s charged with assault on a law enforcement officer (for spitting), three counts of felony criminal mischief (ramming, climbing, mess up the razor wire), leaving the scene of a crash with property damage (attempting to climb), and DUI. 

The irony here is that he is now being held without bond, so I guess he was successful.

Our next example of how being in jail can be bad for you comes to us from the Richmond Times-Dispatch in Virginia. 

It seems our jailed dude, we’ll call him Lothario, got two visitors at the same time, namely his second and third wives.
The problem here is that he didn’t divorce wife 2 before marrying wife 3. Upon investigation, the police also discovered he married wife 2 before his divorce from wife 1 was finalized. 

He was in court for the bigamy charges this past Tuesday where he pleaded no contest. He was sentenced to an additional five years of incarceration with 3.5 years suspended. 

Well, that was quite a rundown of holiday lock-up stories. Let’s review what we’ve learned:
 
1. Stay away from bath salts.

2. If you just can’t stay away from bath salts, throw your car keys into a lake somewhere before you start smoking.
3. Be careful what you wish for, you may just get it.
4. Stay the hell out of Virginia, particularly if you’re married to more than one person at the same time.
5. Why would you be married to more than one person at the same time? Who the hell needs that kind of aggravation?