It's Dumbass Outlaws Thursday!

Friends, welcome to the Thursday Dumbass Outlaws edition of Cosmic City Blog.

Let’s start this properly by cueing the Theme from Dragnet.

What is it with people that they feel compelled to steal from others? Are things that bad? I mean we’re seeing a huge spike in crime in/around Cosmic City alone. It’s even worse elsewhere.

Take, for example, Dumbass #1, in Philadelphia. We’ll call him Evil Snatcher (you’ll see why in a second), who is in a convenience store on S. Broad St in the heart of Philly, seemingly shopping. Evil Snatcher spots a Buddhist monk standing at a lottery machine with a wad of cash in his hand.

Yes, I said Buddhist monk…orange robes and all…a Holy Man. Evil Snatcher walks up to our Naïve Holy Man and grabs the cash out of his hand ($350) and runs out the door.

Naïve Holy Man to his credit got into a scuffle with Evil Snatcher in the parking lot, but was no match for the South Philly brute.

I’m guessing Naïve Holy Man wasn’t a Shaolin monk otherwise Evil Snatcher may have found himself getting kung fu’d straight up the ass.

Now, here’s the weird part of this story…as if a Buddhist monk buying lottery tickets in downtown Philadelphia isn’t weird enough. Haha…sound like the start of a bad bar joke, huh? “Soooo…this Buddhist monk in south Philly goes into a convenience store to buy lottery tickets…”

Apparently, someone in the store got a description of the car (very nice Mustang GT) and the car’s LICENSE PLATE NUMBER and passed it the police. Oh, and they also got a great image of him on store surveillance (suitable for framing – nyuk nyuk). For whatever reason, the cops can’t find it or him. WTF Philadelphia PD? Eh, maybe Evil Snatcher will turn himself in…hrrrrmph. Just sayin’…

Robbing a Buddhist monk? Seriously? Why not kick the Dalai Lama in the nuts and get it over with? Obviously, Evil Snatcher has never heard of Karma…he’s got a mountain of it about to roll down on him, me thinks.

But, I still can’t get my head wrapped around a Buddhist monk buying lottery tickets. Suppose that $350 was alms given to him for the poor? Talk about turning virtue into vice.

But then again, why is this a surprise to cynical ol’ me? History is replete with Holy Men Gone Bad or at least doing really unexpected crap.
 
More Dragnet Theme!

Dumbass Outlaw #2 comes to us from Port Richey, FL where our next dummy, we’ll call him Captain Deposit, goes into a Bank of America and inquires with a teller about opening a checking account.

Captain Deposit produces his ID (dumbass!) for opening the account, but things go off the rails when he is unable to come up with the $25 minimum deposit to open an account.

Dang! What’s a criminal in training to do?

He leaves. No harm, no foul, right? Not so fast.

He comes back an hour later, goes up to the same teller, who likely is still holding Captain Deposit’s account application, but now Captain Deposit changes into Captain Withdrawal (stay with me people, this doesn’t happen very often).

He announces that he’s robbing the joint and the altogether too cooperative teller (Captain Withdrawal had no gun) hands over a fistful of cash.

Captain Withdrawal leaves said bank…frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t just go out and come back in as Captain Deposit and open that account.

He’s walking down the street counting his dough – cuz that’s what you do when you make a large withdrawal to ensure the teller didn’t accidentally drop any of your cash. A cop sees a guy walking along counting a huge wad of money and wearing a Captain Withdrawal uniform.

The cop stops him to have a chat. He figures out that the wad of cash is exactly the amount taken from the bank (cops in Florida are smart that way – anyplace else the officer would likely have offered the crook a ride home, it’s a bad neighborhood after all). In the end, I’ll bet it was the Captain Withdrawal uni that tipped off our clever crime fighter as to what he really had there. He was charged with robbery WITHOUT a weapon.

Oh…AND, he was hauled off to Land O’ Lakes Detention Center…where I’m guessing the bars are made of non-salted butter!

Okay, boys and girls…what have we learned today?

1.     The outlaw life is tough. The cops are always looking for you. Oh sure, you may think you’re smarter than Officer Seemingly Friendly, but they have lots of electronic gear they can rely on to bring you down – not the least of which is a Taser. Give it up…go work at Arby’s. There’s no Tasering and at least you get all the leftover meat you can eat.

2.     Robbing Buddhist monks is a bad idea. It would be your luck to get a Shaolin foot up your ass and then have him drive away in your car running over your sorry self still lying in the parking lot holding your ass. A little old fashioned Karma coming down!

3.     If you’re going to use the old case a bank by pretending you’re going to make a deposit bit, for Pete’s sake, don’t show the teller your ID. Simply ask if they charge a monthly service charge and when the teller says they do (they ALL do), tell them your credit union doesn’t and then walk out in a huff.

4.     The only place better to be incarcerated than a joint with buttery bars is maybe the Willy Wonka Correctional Center where no one actually eats their way out without getting a serious case of the diabetes.

5.     Stay the hell out of South Philly and South Florida!

Be safe citizens!
 

---