It's a fine mess urine in now! Happy Monday!

Happy Monday morning everybody! Hope you’re well and made it through the weekend without any major mishaps. They happen, you know. And, sometimes in the most unusual ways and with weird, unintended consequences…particularly if you’re a frigging idiot!

Take for instance the woman in Colorado, who while trying to game the system, managed to get herself in hot water…well, hot urine actually…with police.

Let’s say you live in a state where recreational marijuana use is allowed but are seeking a job for which there is mandatory drug testing. Then let’s say (lots of hypotheticals in today’s post, eh?) you find out that the testing place does an immediate quality test when you hand the sample off to the lab tech. The quality test involves taking the sample’s temperature which must fall into a certain range before the lab will accept the sample.

Now, let’s say that because you’ve been smoking legal dope in your home to the point that potted (see what I did there?) cacti in your home that don’t normally flower begin flowering. You know you’ll need clean urine, right?

So, let’s say you go to your sister who is a virginal wallflower and beg her to pee into a sealable (very important!) baggie for you. But, let’s say that virginal wallflower sister doesn’t really get what you’re trying to do and pees into the baggie an hour or so before you arrive to take possession of the “fresh” sample.

So you arrive at your virginal wallflower sister’s house and gratefully accept the bag not thinking about how long ago it was filled. You depart for the screening lab immediately, the bag of virginal urine carefully placed on the seat next to you as you roll down the freeway.

Now let’s say (again with the hypotheticals) you’re on the phone with your BFF who is telling you how to carefully place the sample inside the sample jar to be handed off to the lab tech. You mention that you’re starving and are pulling off the freeway to get something at McDonalds. BFF tells you that you need to go to the lab first and then enlightens you about the whole sample-has-to-fall-in-a-certain-range-temperature-wise thing to be accepted.

You begin to panic. You put your hand on the bag on the seat next to you and realize it feels cool to the touch. Now what do you do?

What, indeed. You see a 7-Eleven next to the McDonalds. An idea begins to form in your THC-clouded brain. You pull up in front of the store. You carefully conceal the bag of urine beneath your jacket and enter.

You see the object of your brilliant(?) idea in front of you, near the condiment counter. One of those ubiquitous stainless-steel microwaves that all 7-Elevens have for heating burritos to the temperature of molten lava.

You must wait behind a couple of guys dressed in safety orange who have dropped in on their break from the road crew to heat trays of nacho chips with melted cheese.

You don’t mind waiting, do you? Of course not, the answer to your problem is directly in front of you. A smug smile forms on your face. The bag of urine is secure beneath your jacket. You congratulate yourself on your brilliance.

Finally, the two dudes are done with the nachos. You step forward and carefully place the bag inside the microwave. You note that the controls are specific to whatever 7-Eleven entrée you’re trying to heat. There’s a button for nachos. A button for half smokes. A button for pizza. The last temperature button setting is for burrito. You decide to use the burrito setting since you still have a drive before you get to the lab. It will allow the urine to cool on route and ensure it’s at just the right temp when you arrive, right? Brilliant!

As the microwave is having its way with your virginal wallflower sister’s urine, you remember you’re hungry and begin nibbling from the condiment. You scoop up some diced onions. Sample the sliced jalapenos.

Suddenly, there’s a loud bang. The guy behind the counter heard it too and is now looking your direction.

Foolishly, you open the door of the microwave. Hot rancid urine spills forth across the counter and down onto the floor.
You leave the store and drive to the lab figuring you’ll take your chances, but the cops catch up to you there and arrest you for destruction of property and generally being stupid.

The arresting officer scolds you for doing what you did where people (particularly hungry cops) prepare their food. You tell the officer that it wasn’t real urine (huh?) as he snaps the cuffs on you.

I have nothing to add to that…you can’t make this crap up! P.S., she didn’t get the job.
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That is all!
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