Is That a Rib-Eye Steak in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Busy morning here at the compound.  Trying to the get the 50-foot speaker towers erected before the winds set in tomorrow.  Admittedly, I’m no engineer, but I think the towers will stand okay once they’re finished.  Well, as long as the speakers aren’t too heavy.  Fortunately, one of the great things about living out in the country is that there is no permitting process.  I figure to paint a circle with a radius of 50’ from the tower base.  So when you’re at the festival in August, be sure to stand outside the painted line. 

If you aren’t a regular reader of CCB and wonder what the hell I’m babbling about, I’ll tell you.  We’re holding the first ever CCB Thrash Metal Jam Festival out here near the compound in August.  The band line-up is still in progress though I have reached out to bands that include: Department of Municipal Waste; Blood Fest; Legion of the Rammed; Endemic; Morbidly Obtuse; Bodily Fluids; Social Disease; Texas Grapefruit Lies; and, Xeronix.  So far, none has responded positively, though I have received four no-contact orders and five cease-desist demands…bunch of pansies hiding behind their attorneys, if you ask me. 

Still, I’ll not be deterred.  We’re still looking for local talent, so if you have a thrash metal jam band and pay your own way here, we’ll give you a set.  Cousin Fred from Western Arkansas tried to get his band on the bill, but I’m having none of it.  His group, the Grateful Fred, may appeal to that bunch in/near Little Rock and Ft. Smith, but I’m thinking the tastes of Western Oklahoma are far too refined.  Besides, I need Fred’s talents to work the merchandising for the festival.

Oh, how I long for the good ol’ days of rock when bands were bands…real bands that played real music fronted by singers with Italian sausage stuffed down the front of their pants for women to ogle from the front row (worked great until the second hour of the show when the blood and grease began oozing from the casings).

But, I digress…

Speaking of people with meat stuffed in their pants, I came across an article from the Daytona Beach New-Journal (whose motto translated from the Latin is “hahaha you don’t live here”). 

It seems that a woman and her male “accomplice” drove themselves 26 miles (note to budding criminal types, don’t perpetrate in your own backyard) to a Winn-Dixie store in DeLand, Florida where the alleged woman was caught by the store manager stuffing meat and other items into her pants.

When the manager confronted the woman at the front of the store, she began hitting him in the neck.  Interesting tactic.  No one is expecting a woman laden with raw meat to attack the neck, right?  In the melee, the woman dropped a pack of pork ribs (a sin for pork ribs to hit the floor), two packs of detergent (how else you going to get the smell of raw meat out of your pants?), and three water filters (bet there’s fracking going on in their neighborhood).  She continued outside and DOVE through the open window of the getaway car driven by her unwitting accomplice.  Mr. Unwitting sped away

Now, according to the supposedly unwitting accomplice, the alleged female perp (we’ll call her Babe o’ Meat – BoM for short) came to his house and asked him to drive her to the store.  He couldn’t explain to officers why she wanted to go to a store 26 miles away.  He acted like he had no idea what she was up to. 

Somehow, I don’t think the cops bought it (they have smart cops in Florida), he was arrested along with BoM.

When she was arrested the police found five rib-eye steaks; six pounds of ground beef; four packs of bacon; an additional two packs of pork ribs (remember, she left one behind in the store); and, a gallon of bleach (how the hell else are you going to the tough blood stains out of your pants?). 

Both have been charged with grand theft and robbery…go figure.

The article failed to mention the really important stuff.  Like…was she wearing extra-large pants so there was room to hide stuff?  I mean, with a gallon jug of bleach in the mix, I would hope there was room to accommodate.

HA!  Success!  I just got our first act to sign for the Festival.  Wiley Piemore and His Prairie Dawgs will be there.  Okay, so they aren’t Thrash Metal, but Wiley tells me they play anything.  Back onto the towers!