So friends, here we are. Day six of the latest escape/walk-off/got lost from William S. Keyless Country Club in Ft. Supply and the dude is still on the lam (or is it lamb? English just doesn’t make sense sometimes). O’ the humanities, when will this madness end?
Seriously, we’re all doomed. I’m guessing the authorities figure he’s moved out of the area. I suppose that’s entirely possible, but chances are he’s just hiding out in plain sight. Bet he’s taken a part-time job at the Crystal Beach golf course as a ball washer. Who will volunteer to go undercover to have their balls washed at Crystal Beach? But, I have bigger worries now. Cousin Fred has been toying with the idea of us writing for television. Specifically, writing and selling an idea for a new reality show. Precisely what that reality show will be remains to be determined. Perhaps we should simply face the reality that we’re incapable of writing a reality show…how’s that for keeping it real? At any rate, Cousin Fred found a web site that lays out the steps for getting your idea in front of the right people in Hollywood, at least I think it’s Hollywood, but who knows? Maybe it’s Sunnyvale, CA the city with the least attractive men in America. Step 1 is to create an idea. Well, that’s a start I guess. Says you should be able to explain your idea in 30 words or less. When I was enslaved to corporate America, agonizing over profit and loss, that was called an elevator pitch – the time it would take to go from the ground floor to the CEO’s luxurious penthouse office on an express elevator before he fired you. In the television world, it’s called a logline (see, you’re learning something new already). But, your 30 words have to lay out the premise and agenda of the show. So far, we have nothing that will actually roll. Oh, sure, we kicked around a few ideas while trying to find the worm in a bottle of mezcal…there was one we tentatively called Art in Pubic (sic) Places Race in which contestants race naked between the 13 different artsy statues that have been randomly placed around Cosmic City. Racers would be required to pose for a time-stamped selfie at each statue. We figure we could use drones to tape the action from above. Each week would be a different team and the season ender would be a compilation of the highlights of all the teams (well, okay, mostly low-lights) and a determination as to who had the best time. Course, all of the racers would have to dodge Cosmic City PD who are always offended by naked people running through the streets of Cosmic City. Oh, and then there will be the attorney for the Arts Commission chasing along with the racers trying to serve a subpoena. Hmmm…this is great television, I’m tellin’ ya! Oh my…that was more than 30 words. Let me try again: Art in Pubic Places Race with naked racers racing (it’s what racers do) between 13 random acts of art. New team every week. Winner is best time. Okay, that got it under 30 words, but left out the angry police and the determined subpoena-slapping attorney…oh, and the selfies and the drones. Back to the drawing board. Well, in the middle of those deliberations, I came across an article about a study done by an infamous UN organization, known as the World Health Organization (WHO, who, who?) which places bacon (yes, sweet delicious can’t turn it down bacon, the best part of the pig) in the same danger category as smoking (ummmm, well they do smoke bacon to give it that hickory flavor) and asbestos in terms of being a cancer causing thing. WHAT?! Oh, it gets worse brothers and sisters, it gets much worse. In fact, the study also derides any processed meats including…dare I say it…sausage and salami! AND THEY DON’T STOP THERE! The study also points a finger at ALL red meat as being carcinogenic. It actually says that one hot dog a day is enough to cause cancer. What are these people? Chicken farmers? Oh, wait…it seems the study was done in France. That explains a lot. Bet they want us to all start eating snails. Hey, I tried smoking a snail once, it just shrivels up! Okay, a quick survey. Who among you will stop eating luscious red and processed meats because of this study? I don’t see any raised hands. Non! I say to the jack-booted UN thugs of France! Ah…wait. Maybe this is why the escapee/walk-off/got lost from Ft. Supply hasn’t returned. He was concerned about the peanut butter and bologna sandwiches served three times a day at William S. Keyless. Who could blame him? Comments are closed.
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